Monday, April 2, 2012

Bruno Mars Is A Masochist

Bruno Mars is a masochist. Let’s rewind this a little, he’s a great singer. That guy has got an amazing voice and the first song I heard by him was “Just The Way You Are” and I honestly love it. That being said, the dude slowly revealed after that song that he has a thing for pain. Let’s review.

Next we hear “Grenade”. OK, this song is dumb. I get he really loves this girl and she doesn’t love him back nearly as much, MESSAGE RECEIVED, but these analogies are stupid unless you are currently serving in the most fucked up, primitive world war to date! “I’d catch a grenade for ya” he exclaims. Bruno, when the hell are you ever going to have to catch a grenade for a woman? Explain to me that situation. “Well, Steve. I was thinking like, what if we were trying to save the world, me and this girl? And we’re on a moving train, and the bad guy and his band of minions have us surrounded, and the girl is putting in the password to stop the rocket, but while she’s doing so the bad guy throws a live grenade at her! So, I catch it for her, to save her, so she can save the world!” Well, Bruno, you just sort of described a scene from “Broken Arrow” so no. Also, the government is never sending you out on a mission like that or else we’re all fucked because you’ll be catching grenades for every pretty woman you see and holding onto them and blowing your damn hands off. So nix that situation. Also, in that situation you’re just saving her to save the world. That doesn’t prove you love her. No one’s ever going to throw a grenade at a woman you love so you’ll never have to catch a grenade. You’re just into pain. Masochist.


Moving on. “It Will Rain” I believe is a popular song in some mildly successful teen-wolf-meets-teen-vampire type movie. The first two lines of this song, “If you ever leave me, baby, Leave some morphine at my door.” OK right away, what’s with this “if you ever leave me” scenario? Why do you have to think like that? You’re with this girl it seems, just be happy to be with her. Why think about the “what if” of her possibly leaving you? Fucking weird, dude. Next, so if she leaves you, you’re apparently going to be in so much pain the only way to treat it will be with morphine. A strong ass drug! And where the hell is your girlfriend supposed to get this morphine? Not a common drug to come across, unless you’re a wounded soldier in a world war! OK, it’s apparent Bruno Mars always thinks he’s serving his country in some fucking war. He thinks grenades and morphine are common things to find in this society. Readily available for you and I. And why are you thinking about this scenario where your girlfriend leaves you and you’re in a ton of pain? Is it because you’re into pain? Yes. Masochist!

Next! “Billionaire” with that other guy. Not worth mentioning because that song is garbage. Let’s talk about the trash that it is first. First lines of this song, “I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad. Buy all of the things I never had.” OK, know how else you can buy all of the things you never had? By being just a millionaire. Which you probably are! You have all these major (shit) songs, you probably rake in so much cash! You whiny bitch! I’m only a millionaire, but I wanna be a billionaire, so frickin bad (radio version). Are you really complaining? I’m not even a thousandaire all the time Bruno! Not right after rent week I’m not! I hover that hundredaire-thousandaire line most of my life. I have no trouble discussing my finances either because I’m not a greedy little bitch! What are all the things you never had that you need A BILLION DOLLARS to buy? A god damn fucking helicopter? Can you just be happy with your millions and buy all the expensive cars and clothes and nice places to live and vacation that you never had? Is that not enough? Oh and what’s the next line? “I wanna be on the cover of Forbes Magazine”. Know how people get on the cover of Forbes Magazine? Usually with profitable businesses! Savvy business plans! Hard work, determination, education! Not shitty ass songs! Michael Jordan didn’t make it to the NBA by whining to his basketball hoop about how he wanted to play ball! You can’t become a billionaire by whining about how you want to be a billionaire! Doesn’t make any sense! Smarten up! Now, I’m sure you people are reading this paragraph thinking, how does this prove he’s into pain? It doesn’t. But it proves that in addition to receiving pain he’s into giving pain. Why else would he create this song that hurts my ear holes so bad? Sadist!

OK, so Bruno Mars is 1 part Sadist, 2 parts Masochist. We discovered along our journey that sometimes he prefers to inflict the pain. Usually with a horrible song that makes your ears stab your brain in it’s mind-nuts. But mainly he wants the pain. And every once in awhile, like the first thing I ever knew of him doing, he makes a good song. Why don’t you just go back to that? A working formula. Love song. No weird shit. No war antics. Don’t write me, “My Love For You Is Stronger Than Mustard Gas” or “You Rocket Launch My Heart”. Just give me “Guy Loves Girl” and call it a night. And stop trying to become a billionaire. You don’t need that much money. We’re all very scared to see what you might do with it. Probably buy a country and trade out all their weapons for sex toys. However, it’s not a terrible motto to live by the phrase, “There would be no war if we were all busy orgasming.” - JFK. Yeah. John Fucking Kennedy. Get it?

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