Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Mild Apocalypse

Today’s complaints from peers.

- Man, what’s up with the weather today?

- It was sunny before, now there’s clouds!

- It was nice out before. Pretty hot. Now, it’s all cold!

- Whoa! All of a sudden it’s raining now!

- It wasn’t this windy before!

- All these changes in the weather, it’s like the Apocalypse!

At first I agreed with these complaints, then I realized, it was about 71 degrees in the afternoon. Several hours later it had dropped maybe 15 degrees. It went from partially sunny to partially cloudy. There was no precipitation, then there was. A change of Slight-Breeze-To-No-Wind to Slight-Breeze-To-Slightly-Windy has occurred. If this is the Apocalypse, this is the most Mild Apocalypse anyone could ever imagine!

I further reviewed the complaints I had heard all day and came to the conclusion that....well....people just complain a lot. About everything. A 15 degree drop in the temperature...over the course of 4 hours? We have trouble dealing with that? And rain after no rain? Well, it has to come after something. Rain can’t come after rain. It’s going to have to occur after none other than, NO RAIN! That’s not anything to complain about. That’s just what happens. And quite often! And clouds, well guess what, those fuckers just exist! And they move around all the time! Sometimes we see them, sometimes we don’t. Wind...yeah it’s always different! These were the most mild climate changes I can remember for awhile and yet people are still gawking over how “tremendous” they are. Have we just run out of things to talk about? And do we complain too much? Yes. And YES!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Breakfast For Dinner

Setting - The Arctic. Or The Antarctic. Whatever it is. Some place that’s cold as shit. Cold and unforgiving. Like, think of the most beautiful weather you can think of. Super sunny, bright, not too humid, not too warm, green grass, a light breeze just at the right time all the time. That’s basically like L.A. Or Greece. Now think of that as being the vagina of the world. The warmest, nicest place you want to be. Now think of the asshole, the last spot you want to inhabit. The asshole of the world. That’s where this is. Barren. Unkind. Yet something manages to live in this desolate hellhole. Or asshole. Something beautiful.

A wonderful polar bear. And what’s that he’s headed towards? Is that breakfast for dinner? Looks like it! His favorite! I mean, who doesn’t love breakfast for dinner? It’s night time. Your nose detects breakfast smells. Your nose buds get all confused but in a good way like when you find $20 in your shoe and you don’t know why. It’s an exciting time! Breakfast for dinner, you guys! Bacon and eggs, sunny side up! And your favorite evening programming is on. You can even have a night time beer with your breakfast! Go on, dig in!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Bruno Mars Is A Masochist

Bruno Mars is a masochist. Let’s rewind this a little, he’s a great singer. That guy has got an amazing voice and the first song I heard by him was “Just The Way You Are” and I honestly love it. That being said, the dude slowly revealed after that song that he has a thing for pain. Let’s review.

Next we hear “Grenade”. OK, this song is dumb. I get he really loves this girl and she doesn’t love him back nearly as much, MESSAGE RECEIVED, but these analogies are stupid unless you are currently serving in the most fucked up, primitive world war to date! “I’d catch a grenade for ya” he exclaims. Bruno, when the hell are you ever going to have to catch a grenade for a woman? Explain to me that situation. “Well, Steve. I was thinking like, what if we were trying to save the world, me and this girl? And we’re on a moving train, and the bad guy and his band of minions have us surrounded, and the girl is putting in the password to stop the rocket, but while she’s doing so the bad guy throws a live grenade at her! So, I catch it for her, to save her, so she can save the world!” Well, Bruno, you just sort of described a scene from “Broken Arrow” so no. Also, the government is never sending you out on a mission like that or else we’re all fucked because you’ll be catching grenades for every pretty woman you see and holding onto them and blowing your damn hands off. So nix that situation. Also, in that situation you’re just saving her to save the world. That doesn’t prove you love her. No one’s ever going to throw a grenade at a woman you love so you’ll never have to catch a grenade. You’re just into pain. Masochist.