Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Peyton Manning: A Fucking Bucking Bronco

Big news in the sports world! I’m sure you already heard it, Peyton Manning is going to the Denver Broncos! After a bathousand years with the Colts he has actually moved on to another team. In addition to him leaving the Colts a bunch of other key players have left the team. All the good people in Tennessee, Houston and Jacksonville screamed “Yippee!” in unison (time zone differences do not apply) as he has left their division. A collective “Damn!” was heard from the mountain tops in Kansas City. A surfer style “Shit Bro!” was heard down by the oceans in San Diego. And in Oakland they all screamed “Fuck!” and then lead the league in penalties every god damn year. What’s with those guys? Team motto? “19 penalties a game, hoo-rah!”

So, Peyton entered the AFC West, and everyone over there is pissed. Except in Denver of course. The team’s season passing yards is about to increase 90 times. God will be less prominent, but goofy Louisiana accents and commercials with members of N Sync will be aplenty. Now, that I’ve covered all the unimportant stuff, let’s get to the real shit. The shit everyone should be talking about when they hear news like this. No, not “Oh my God! I’ve only ever seen him in white and blue! What will he look like in orange and a darker blue?” As interesting looking as that will be, not what I’m talking about.


I’m talking about the fact that he went from being a Colt to a Bronco. First off, those are the only two horse teams in the league. Secondly, by definition, a Colt is a male horse under the age of 4. And a Bronco is just an untamed adult horse. Peyton went from being a baby horse to an adult horse! He finally grew up! This move was the move he needed to make to finally take that last step into manhood! Congratulations are in order, this boy just became a man right in front of our eyes! Now, it’s time for you to have sex Peyton! You can finally have sex! You can have your first beer, blaze a fat one, have another beer, throw up, pass out, take your first morning after pill, realize that the woman is supposed to take it, freak out wondering if you’re going to grow boobs or other lady things, you know, all the things men do when they finally become men!

These are exciting times! L’chayim! You are a man. And not just a man. By definition, an untamed man! That boy didn’t become a man so he could settle down and raise a family. He became a man so he could go around bucking every mare he could find. No fillies though, we don’t need any statutory rape scenarios. This boy ain’t been saddled yet. He’s going to reign in every babe he can find, stick it to em like glue, and ride til they whinny. OK, enough with the horse jokes? Tell me if you can count them all. I tried real hard on them. Anyway, we all know what Peyton is up to.

It’s become clear why you moved to Denver. Got outta that sausage-cart of a town Indy and moved to the city that’s notoriously known for being littered with ladies. Denver, piled Mile-High with babes. Did you know that’s why they call it that? I mean, why else would he move there? They had a perfectly good quarterback who could pass for over 40 yards a game. How’s the saying go? If it don’t exist, don’t fix it? You can’t fix a passing game that isn’t there. Whatever, Peyton can sow his bayou oats if he wants to. I’m fine with it. I think he should. But keep it in Denver. Don’t you go creeping into the wrong divisions. You stay there. We don’t need you in the AFC East or anything. And you don’t want to move to any of those cities. The only booty you can score in Miami is covered in beach sand. That’ll scratch you up. New York, fughettabout it! If you don’t have 18 pounds of gel in your hair and 3 hours put into your t-shirt decision no girl will touch you. Buffalo, the women are as hot as the wings yes. But they burn as much coming out. Yeah, imagine that. And New England, OK I’m from New England, and I love the people there, but there is nothing less attractive than a woman who cannot pronounce her R’s. “You want me to ride ya hahd? Pahk it ovah here, Southie! I’m more bahk than bite! Unless you want a little nibble. I’ll act just like my dog. Cept without all the fahtin!” That’s how they dirty talk. It’s like listening to any normal person try to talk with a mouthful of peanut butter. Think about it Peyton. You chose a good city. Stay there!

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