Saturday, March 3, 2012

Let The Actors Act!

There’s a lot of shows and movies where actors play instruments in them and a good amount of time the actors actually don’t know how to play the instruments. At this point some of you may be saying, “Yeah OK.” However, others are saying, “That’s bullshit!” And I want to know, why are you pissed? Some people get pissed when actors can’t play an instrument but ACT as if they can in a movie/TV show. Are people getting mad that these actors are doing their jobs? Sure if they can play the instrument that’s a plus but they don’t have to know how! And boy are we in luck if they don’t know how because they are a trained actor...and can ACT AS IF THEY CAN!

I’ve never understood this. Do you not believe the movie anymore since you know this actor cannot play guitar in real life? Does it ruin the experience for you? Does it ruin “300” for you if I tell you Gerard Butler has actually never killed a man with a spear or a sword or anything? He’s never even come close to killing a man! And thank Fuck! He seems like a pretty cool guy, and he makes some good movies here and there. We don’t want him to kill someone. He’ll go to jail and then we won’t have sweet action movies and a few shitty rom coms with some dying stars. (”Knocked Up” was awesome but what else have you done?) But you’ll still watch “300”! Because that shit gets you pumped up! Doesn’t that one guy shoot a charging rhino with an arrow? That is crazy! And the thing dies and falls and slides and ALMOST crashes into the guys but doesn’t. Yeah, maybe that guy learned how to shoot an arrow for the movie but not at MOBILE PACHYDERMS! That guy can’t do that! Sorry!

And what about all the awesome movies where Robert DeNiro shoots tons of people dead? Bobby D is pretty bad ass but he cannot kill a man with a gun. He doesn’t have it in him. And he has too much money to do something silly like that. Adam Sandler can’t smash a golf ball 400 yards! Keanu Reeves can’t throw a football 50 yards nor can he fly through a city and beat up a thousand ugly identical Brits. (Sorry Hugo, but I’m glad you grew that beard. You really need it for that face.)


So, what’s everyone’s fucking deal with the instruments? Do instruments of torture and pain not count in your weird, imaginary handbook? Also, how do we explain that recent Navy SEALs movie “Avt Of Valor”? What’s that shit about? Everyone’s tired of watching actors do everything now? Hey, I know! Why don’t we get actual Navy SEALs to portray Navy SEALs in this movie? Oh, you mean ones with absolutely no acting experience? Yeah! Brilliant! Don’t these guys have anything better to do? Aren’t they “active duty” Navy SEALs? Shouldn’t they actively be doing duty? And why not just get fucking actors for this movie?! You know who’s a better actor than someone with NO acting experience? AN ACTOR! And they act like they’re as tough and knowledgeable as a Navy SEAL and then the parts where they need to deliver lines genuinely and show emotion...no problem! As opposed to these directors trying to explain to these dudes for the first time how to convey emotion. I’m sorry to anyone who thinks that’s a good idea for a movie, mainly because your brain must have hit a kink. Why would you think that? I refuse to go see that movie. I am not UnAmerican. I am not an Asshole. I’m just someone who feels it’s no one’s business to act other than actors. And yes, I stand firmly beside that point when it comes to rappers and athletes acting, the ones who have not taken one damn lesson in their whole life, which is about 90% of them. Minus “Space Jam”, because Bugs can carry Jordan’s performance if need be. And also, I think anyone who supports this movie is probably more UnAmerican than me. You watch this movie, you support it, the directors and writers and everyone now think it was a fantastic idea. Now, they write more of these things and they decide more “Active Duty” Navy SEALs must star in them. Our forces are depleting more and more and now when something happens and it is critical for us to react, we cannot, because 50% of our Navy and our Army and our Coast Guard are busy getting manicures looking over their lines for their collabo action-movie project with Bow Wow and Dwight Howard.

Whoo! Glad I got that off my chest. And you are more than welcome to disagree with me on any of these topics I have discussed. That’s what’s great about this country. (Not that our Navy SEALs try to act. Our country sucks compared to all other countries for that.) However, if you disagree with me you are wrong. You can do it, you won’t be criticized or ostracized too much, but you will be wrong. Because I’m right on this one. Actors act. They can’t do everything in the world. They don’t have every single fucking talent. But they sure can pretend they do! And also, Katherine Heigl, stop making movies! No one wants you to anymore! What is this shit! I’m a reporter! I’m the girlfriend of an assassin! I’m blah blah blah! These half-ass written jokes delivered half-assed by me are so funny! No they are not! They are quarter-of-an-ass if you care to do your math! That’s half a cheek! And no ones pays to see half a cheek! Ask any avid porn watcher! You can see full ass for free sometimes, you sure as shit ain’t gonna pay for less than that!

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