Monday, March 5, 2012

Italian Toes

Hi. How you doing? I’m Steve. I’m Italian. Well, half Italian. The other half is other Euro Trash. You may already know this. Anyway, the point is that I’m mainly Italian. So every part of me is mainly Italian. It was a warm day today so I had sandals on. Or flip flops. Same thing. You all know what I’m talking about. My mom calls them Zorees sometimes. I think that was some cheap brand of sandals and she got in the habit of referring to the objects as their brand name. Like when people call all storage bags, Ziploc. Or all bandages, Band-Aids. Or all black comedy, Tyler Perry. Anyway, I had sandals on. Got home, slid them off, and looked down at my mainly Italian feet. I started staring at them for awhile. Then, I realized my toes are each mainly Italian. It’s like a bunch of little Italian guys all hanging out together. All different sizes and shapes. Different personalities. Different names. Take a look.

Let’s start on the right and work our way to the left, like a true Hebrew would. And yes, a Hebrew is the name of a person who reads Hebrew. Don’t even bother questioning it. Getting back to the important matter at hand, starting all the way to the right we have little Paul Sorvino. Little Paul Sorvino originally wanted to be an opera singer, with that stout body he has quite the baritone voice. It’s powerful and authoritative. But he instead decided this voice should be used to direct and manage his employees at his frozen dessert shop, Sorvino’s Sorbet. He does quite well for himself.

Next to the left we have little Ray Liotta. Don’t let his skinny stature and almost-shrill voice calling Karen’s name all day fool you. He may not be a baritone but he’ll still mess you up. He’s tall and much more powerful than he looks. Some people don’t realize this but he’s the real muscle of the group. That lean stature is attained by hitting Toe Gym (Not Toe Jam) on the regs. That is the exact body type he wanted. Not an ounce of fat on him. Keeps him quick. In a street fight he can juke and spin and move and dive and jab with the best of em. Little Ray Liotta also plays in canasta tournaments on the weekend. Weird, right? Doesn’t really fit with everything else I told you.

Moving one more toe to our left we have reached the middle toe, little Robert DeNiro or little Bobby D! Little Bobby D is a scrappy little toe. You never know what he’s going to pull out in a bar fight, but you do know he’s going to be in a bar fight! Because it’s a day of the week, so of course he’s in a bar and of course he’s getting rowdy. Once I saw little Bobby D smash a beer bottle over a guy’s head for sitting too close to him. He drank the rest of the beer out of the broken bottle and spit broken glass on the guy’s face. Another time he shanked a guy with a shiv he made out of a chop stick because the guy was drinking a fuzzy navel. That guy kind of deserved it though. What business does a toe have with a navel? None! That’s how much! Little Bobby D is Capricorn...and still doesn’t know it! one tell him...he might punch you!

On to the 4th toe from the right. Know who this guy is? Little Al Pacino. And don’t say anything like, “Ah, you were doing all guys from “Goodfellas” and now all of a sudden it’s Al Pacino!” Shut up. It’s little Al Pacino and that’s that. Look at him. You can tell. He’s the brains of this whole operation here. Sitting there, seemingly lacking in any personality. The silent type. No one expects anything from him, he just seems to blend in with the crowd. But what you don’t know is he’s calling the shots, he’s telling these chess pieces what to do, when to do it, and who’s mom to do it to. He also has a reputation of nailing his enemy’s moms right before he has them whacked. He takes pictures and shows them off right before the “whacking”. Using the term “whacking” is always very ironic at this point and he always makes sure to tell a good joke here.

Which brings us to the very last toe. The toe all the way to the left. The funny toe! The toe that writes all of little Al Pacino’s material! Little Joe Pesci! He’s most certainly the jokester of the group. Sometimes he switches the sugar with salt. Everyone always gets real upset because they all love their coffee (naturally, they’re toes) but he’s so much smaller than everyone that they can’t beat him up. It would be like beating a child. He knows this, that’s why he pulls so many pranks, he knows he can get away with them. If you look closely you can see he has the least amount of neck out of all the toes and the tiniest nail at the top of his toe body. This puts him least at risk of breaking any bones ever because of his stout nature. None of the other toes know this, if they did all Hell would probably break loose. However, always standing on the end there puts him at the largest risk of getting stubbed on a door or any other pesky, large object. He developed his sense of humor after all the times being banged around on doors and feeling unloved. Also, he never knew his father. It’s hiis way of coping. He is funny as Hell though.

Those are the toes! All of them! Did you read this entire thing? Do you feel stupid because you just spent all that time reading about what I named my toes? That’s OK. I spent way more time writing it.

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