Friday, March 9, 2012

Blood City - Episode 2

Blood City is a tough place. No drive thru Starbucks, only the walk in ones. Not a single Applebee’s. And absolutely no public transportation. Fun fact: all the bus drivers and taxt drivers were killed lung cancer. Blood City has always had problems with emissions tests and all of the public transportation vehicles have never had proper smog tests. It’s really the vehicle pollution, but once again it’s the pollution in Blood City that’s the killer.

But you already knew this was a tough place. You learned it first hand watching Zaron wander these mean streets. Watching him battle Luke with his sinister plot to get money. Hell no! It will be Zaron making that dime off Blood City’s richest. He continues his journey down the lonely, purplish street in search of Luke’s goons. Luke was near here, so most likely his goons would be close by. The purple snow starts to fall. (Cue a good Prince song here. I don't even care which one. But I feel like there's one in particular that almost perfectly fits.)

Just then, he spots them! Luke’s left and right hand men, Fred and Butter. He’s astonished to have found them so quickly! Wow, it’s awesome how easily things work out in this town sometimes. He doesn’t have to walk through like 7 pointless, yet more realistic, panels to find them. OK, this time Zaron will be more sly. Get the information on where they’re holding Princess Una Mae before killing them or turning them into commonly consumed birds.

“Hey! You two!” Zaron calls out to them. “You tell me where Luke is holding Princess Una Mae right now and I won’t break your smile bones!” Fred looks at him with his stupid looking sadly, pursed lips. “He didn’t tell us where he is hiding her because we’re just goons.” Fred responded. “But he did tell us he wrote the answer inside this peanut butter and fluff grape jelly.”

“Inside this sandwich that’s circled?” Asks Zaron. “Of course dummy!” Retorts Butter. “Too bad I’m gonna smash it before you can get the grape truth out of it!”

“Not so fast!” Zaron screams as he kicks into action! Well, really he just kicks Butter in the knee. Still...that’s kicking. “The truth will be preserved!”

“Not preserves!” Screams Butter. “Jelly, you fool!”

The ground starts to tremble and quake as if it’s having it’s first orgasm. Everyone gets real uncomfortable as random things starts to shoot out of Butter. Plus, the earth having an orgasm metaphor also put everyone on edge. I mean, it’s gotta be the oldest virgin ever, plus who knows what’s gonna shoot out of where.

And just like that Butter is gone. Who knew his knee was his weak spot. What a bitch! I mean, it was a solid kick by Zaron, but once to the knee and he explodes? I know some cats that get shot in the head and don’t even die until the second bullet hits their cranium. Unless of course the gun is golden. Then, all rules fall to the wayside and it’s one hit kill.

Zaron doesn’t stop for a second. He grabs Fred in a super awkward position. It’s one of those weird grabs you might see a bouncer do at a night club when they are shoving a drunk mess of a guy out of a club. Or one where two friends are fooling around, wrestling, but it looks like at any moment they mighrip their clothes off and start french kissing each other’s genitals simultaneously. One of those.

He flips him up into the air and over his back! OK, this is more like a wrestling move than it is a porn star move! We have clarification what his intentions are with this one eighth nelson.

Damn, the random text inside the explosion says it all. Fred got his world rocked with that flip! Zaron owned him and probably made him feel like if he voted in any upcoming elections that his vote would only count as 3/5 of a person, seeing as how he, and all women, only count as 3/5 of a person. (Before you call me sexist, google what that is in reference to. Also, if you are a lady, make me a sandwich, please.)

Well, Fred is injured. We can tell he’s all banged up by the scratches and bruises and immediately-applied bandages on his face. Yeah, that dude is wrecked from that one flip Zaron. Go ahead and read the note in the sandwich.

“Oh my God!” Exclaims Zaron to no one in particular. Maybe it was to the many remains of the one guy who exploded it maybe it’s to the guy who’s fully unconscious. “This is astounding!”

Zaron has opened the sandwich and noticed that Luke didn’t even put any peanut butter on this sandwich! It’s just fluff! And the note, written in jelly! IN MY CAR. That must be where he’s keeping Princess Una Mae. “I better get her before she dies of a car sickness!”

Find out what happens next Blood City!

Mike Razon.......................Zaron
Julian Doan......................Fred
Ian Hensley......................Butter
Both Kevin & Julian’s Sandwich...Sandwich

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