Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Peyton Manning: A Fucking Bucking Bronco

Big news in the sports world! I’m sure you already heard it, Peyton Manning is going to the Denver Broncos! After a bathousand years with the Colts he has actually moved on to another team. In addition to him leaving the Colts a bunch of other key players have left the team. All the good people in Tennessee, Houston and Jacksonville screamed “Yippee!” in unison (time zone differences do not apply) as he has left their division. A collective “Damn!” was heard from the mountain tops in Kansas City. A surfer style “Shit Bro!” was heard down by the oceans in San Diego. And in Oakland they all screamed “Fuck!” and then lead the league in penalties every god damn year. What’s with those guys? Team motto? “19 penalties a game, hoo-rah!”

So, Peyton entered the AFC West, and everyone over there is pissed. Except in Denver of course. The team’s season passing yards is about to increase 90 times. God will be less prominent, but goofy Louisiana accents and commercials with members of N Sync will be aplenty. Now, that I’ve covered all the unimportant stuff, let’s get to the real shit. The shit everyone should be talking about when they hear news like this. No, not “Oh my God! I’ve only ever seen him in white and blue! What will he look like in orange and a darker blue?” As interesting looking as that will be, not what I’m talking about.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Blood City - Episode 2

Blood City is a tough place. No drive thru Starbucks, only the walk in ones. Not a single Applebee’s. And absolutely no public transportation. Fun fact: all the bus drivers and taxt drivers were killed lung cancer. Blood City has always had problems with emissions tests and all of the public transportation vehicles have never had proper smog tests. It’s really the vehicle pollution, but once again it’s the pollution in Blood City that’s the killer.

But you already knew this was a tough place. You learned it first hand watching Zaron wander these mean streets. Watching him battle Luke with his sinister plot to get money. Hell no! It will be Zaron making that dime off Blood City’s richest. He continues his journey down the lonely, purplish street in search of Luke’s goons. Luke was near here, so most likely his goons would be close by. The purple snow starts to fall. (Cue a good Prince song here. I don't even care which one. But I feel like there's one in particular that almost perfectly fits.)

Just then, he spots them! Luke’s left and right hand men, Fred and Butter. He’s astonished to have found them so quickly! Wow, it’s awesome how easily things work out in this town sometimes. He doesn’t have to walk through like 7 pointless, yet more realistic, panels to find them. OK, this time Zaron will be more sly. Get the information on where they’re holding Princess Una Mae before killing them or turning them into commonly consumed birds.

“Hey! You two!” Zaron calls out to them. “You tell me where Luke is holding Princess Una Mae right now and I won’t break your smile bones!” Fred looks at him with his stupid looking sadly, pursed lips. “He didn’t tell us where he is hiding her because we’re just goons.” Fred responded. “But he did tell us he wrote the answer inside this peanut butter and fluff grape jelly.”

“Inside this sandwich that’s circled?” Asks Zaron. “Of course dummy!” Retorts Butter. “Too bad I’m gonna smash it before you can get the grape truth out of it!”

Monday, March 5, 2012

Italian Toes

Hi. How you doing? I’m Steve. I’m Italian. Well, half Italian. The other half is other Euro Trash. You may already know this. Anyway, the point is that I’m mainly Italian. So every part of me is mainly Italian. It was a warm day today so I had sandals on. Or flip flops. Same thing. You all know what I’m talking about. My mom calls them Zorees sometimes. I think that was some cheap brand of sandals and she got in the habit of referring to the objects as their brand name. Like when people call all storage bags, Ziploc. Or all bandages, Band-Aids. Or all black comedy, Tyler Perry. Anyway, I had sandals on. Got home, slid them off, and looked down at my mainly Italian feet. I started staring at them for awhile. Then, I realized my toes are each mainly Italian. It’s like a bunch of little Italian guys all hanging out together. All different sizes and shapes. Different personalities. Different names. Take a look.

Let’s start on the right and work our way to the left, like a true Hebrew would. And yes, a Hebrew is the name of a person who reads Hebrew. Don’t even bother questioning it. Getting back to the important matter at hand, starting all the way to the right we have little Paul Sorvino. Little Paul Sorvino originally wanted to be an opera singer, with that stout body he has quite the baritone voice. It’s powerful and authoritative. But he instead decided this voice should be used to direct and manage his employees at his frozen dessert shop, Sorvino’s Sorbet. He does quite well for himself.

Next to the left we have little Ray Liotta. Don’t let his skinny stature and almost-shrill voice calling Karen’s name all day fool you. He may not be a baritone but he’ll still mess you up. He’s tall and much more powerful than he looks. Some people don’t realize this but he’s the real muscle of the group. That lean stature is attained by hitting Toe Gym (Not Toe Jam) on the regs. That is the exact body type he wanted. Not an ounce of fat on him. Keeps him quick. In a street fight he can juke and spin and move and dive and jab with the best of em. Little Ray Liotta also plays in canasta tournaments on the weekend. Weird, right? Doesn’t really fit with everything else I told you.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Let The Actors Act!

There’s a lot of shows and movies where actors play instruments in them and a good amount of time the actors actually don’t know how to play the instruments. At this point some of you may be saying, “Yeah OK.” However, others are saying, “That’s bullshit!” And I want to know, why are you pissed? Some people get pissed when actors can’t play an instrument but ACT as if they can in a movie/TV show. Are people getting mad that these actors are doing their jobs? Sure if they can play the instrument that’s a plus but they don’t have to know how! And boy are we in luck if they don’t know how because they are a trained actor...and can ACT AS IF THEY CAN!

I’ve never understood this. Do you not believe the movie anymore since you know this actor cannot play guitar in real life? Does it ruin the experience for you? Does it ruin “300” for you if I tell you Gerard Butler has actually never killed a man with a spear or a sword or anything? He’s never even come close to killing a man! And thank Fuck! He seems like a pretty cool guy, and he makes some good movies here and there. We don’t want him to kill someone. He’ll go to jail and then we won’t have sweet action movies and a few shitty rom coms with some dying stars. (”Knocked Up” was awesome but what else have you done?) But you’ll still watch “300”! Because that shit gets you pumped up! Doesn’t that one guy shoot a charging rhino with an arrow? That is crazy! And the thing dies and falls and slides and ALMOST crashes into the guys but doesn’t. Yeah, maybe that guy learned how to shoot an arrow for the movie but not at MOBILE PACHYDERMS! That guy can’t do that! Sorry!

And what about all the awesome movies where Robert DeNiro shoots tons of people dead? Bobby D is pretty bad ass but he cannot kill a man with a gun. He doesn’t have it in him. And he has too much money to do something silly like that. Adam Sandler can’t smash a golf ball 400 yards! Keanu Reeves can’t throw a football 50 yards nor can he fly through a city and beat up a thousand ugly identical Brits. (Sorry Hugo, but I’m glad you grew that beard. You really need it for that face.)