Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day For Porn Stars

What do you think it’s like for a porn star on Valentine’s Day? What do they do? Do they have to work? Is it not nearly as bad working on Valentine’s Day as it is for the rest of us? Obviously, it’s already not as bad working any given day compared to the rest of us. But what if they actually have a Valentine? For the sake of simplicity let’s name out porn star Candy Lane. I know that’s a popular street name but come on, that’s a good porn name too. Travel down this lane for a sweet time...OK getting off topic. (But you know that would work).

So, Candy Lane has a Valentine. A guy she’s been seeing for 4 months now. Things have been getting pretty heated as of lately. Not in the sex department, she not only gave it up on the first date, she had his breadstick in hand before the soups made it to the table. No, no. I mean, he took her home to meet his family. And he met her family. Things are getting intense. Candy Lane really likes Ben Entermy. That’s his name. Swedish or something. Anyway, she has to work February 14th. Ben says that they’ll do something afterwards. He has the day off. He’s going to spend all day setting up his apartment while she’s at work.

He’s getting in romantic mode and she’s off boinking three other guys while one watches and films. And by the way, real quick, you ever see these porns where the camera man talks? First off, ruins the illusion! Now, I am fully aware I am watching something some other perv taped. Not something I want to be thinking of. Also, don’t talk to her! She doesn’t want to talk to you! If she wants to talk to anyone it’s the guys she’s working directly with. Not the guy who’s not good enough to have sex for money and also not good enough to film something real...of actual substance. And these camera guys always make the dumbest jokes. “Oh yeah. We got a real BIG surprise for you.” Ah, so clever. I see what you did there! Yeah, talk about how BIG the guy’s member is who’s going to be plowing her. That makes you seem real funny. Then, she’s totally going to want to date you! Your plan is working perfectly! Why are these guys always trying to impress the porn stars? Sometimes they even do it while the girl is having sex! Are you serious?! What about this seems like it’s going to work? And why can’t you hold the camera still? That’s your one job and you cannot even do it! Besides all this, Candy has Ben to go home to!


Which is where I need to get back to. Sorry, went off on a tangent. So Candy Lane has had a tiresome day. She heads to Ben’s and is surprised by all the decorations he has put up. What a great boyfriend! She’s excited for the Chicken Marsala he’s prepared. It looks lovely. And it’s better than the food on set. No one wants frankfurters in between takes. That’s just dumb. Who ordered this food? Was it the fucking camera guy? This guy is pissing me off! He’s all over the place and he keeps ruining everything! He almost ruined Candy and Ben’s great night. But luckily, these two lovers are still inseparable. But after dinner, is Candy going to be up for it? The horizontal mamba? The carpenter’s spiral staircase? The knotted frog? The devil’s backwards hat? The double French pastry? The sex? (Did you figure out what I’m talking about yet?) Well, of course she is! She’s trained for this! This is her job! That’s like wondering if you’re marathon running wife is going to be up for a jog. Or if your doctor girlfriend is willing to diagnose you. Or if your actress girlfriend is...willing to do stuff to you for a part in your movie. No worries Ben. It’s going to happen!

So, the three juiced up, shaved to shit, tan mounds of testosterone didn’t spoil Candy! Neither did the film school drop out, no good joke having, mother fucking lousy excuse for a camera man! Their love is too pure, Candy and Ben. And Ben had been planning something since that special Valentine’s Night. He wanted to do it then, but he’s so romantic, he didn’t want the anniversary of this special moment to coincide with Valentine’s Day. That way they will have two separate special days to celebrate. He waited exactly one month. March 14th, he proposed. Candy said yes, of course. They started on the arrangements of the wedding right away. The two were happy as could be. So, I guess Valentine’s Day is no different for a porn star. In some ways, it may even be better than for you an I. At least in this particular case we know it was extra sweet and special. Be on the lookout for your invite to the EnterMy-Lane Wedding. From Candy and Ben. They’re honeymooning in New Zealand. So beautiful there. I hear they’re staying in the Dildo Baggins Hotel. If you want to get them something they’re registered at one of those new age, super modern, we’re so Green type places where the slogan is also part of the name; Cordless Kitchen: Butt Plugs Are Also Nice. (Stretch for a joke? I don’t care.)

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

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