To the guy working at the Chevron gas station this morning. When I said I wanted Triple A batteries you were right with me. You showed me the 2 pack of Triple A batteries you had to offer. I found the 2 pack to hold an insufficient amount of batteries, which would be 2. So, I said, I'll have 2. But then you moved your hand from the Triple A batteries to the Double A batteries. No, that did not mean I wanted a battery with only two A's. It meant I wanted 2 packs of the Triple A batteries I already asked for. Did you think people ordered their batteries in A's? "Give me 2 A's on my battery!" Is this your world? Is this how people ask you for batteries. No. You're just being dumb. And it was really hard to not make you feel stupid when I had to tell you, "No, no. Still want Triple A batteries. But give me 2 packs." I mean, how did you not feel like a dummy at that point?
To the gentleman with boundary issues at the gym. When I am standing 4 feet away from the mirror with weights in my hands, it is not a coincidence. I am there so I can work out and watch myself. Yes, I watch myself. Everybody does. Everybody in the room is doing this! It's very obvious! You would probably claim to know this fact if somebody asked you about it! Then, why did you grab your weights and position yourself directly between me and the mirror and begin working out?! There was literally only room for one human being to fit in that space and you squeezed your tight sweatpants wearing ass right into it! Seriously? This doesn't seem odd to you? Do you think I'd rather see your reflection? Or your back? And the sweat stain trickling down the center of it? Move!
To the man exiting the airplane bathroom. Yes, I see you exiting as I am here waiting for the bathroom to open. I am grabbing the door as you are exiting, to make it easier for you to exit this tight ass space. And also so that I will already be holding the door open for myself once you are out of my way. Me holding the door open actually helps both of us out. Then, why did you grab the door from me and slam it shut while peering into my soul with hatred aflame in your eyes? Do you have something against me? Or yourself? Or both of us? I have done nothing wrong to you. I don't know what you've done to yourself. Maybe something horrible. But let's not fuck me over as well, as I am a man with a bladder needing to be emptied, and the sooner I can perform this action, the better. Also, I prefer not to pee while having a stare-bomb planted in my brain. That was an icy glare. Stayed with me for days. Work on your manners please. And your assessment of airplane situations as it is currently at a shit level.
To Seal. Maybe Heidi Klum and you are divorcing because she finally got that astigmatism fixed and saw your face for the first time. This may sound harsh but this isn't me being superficial. I love your music. That one song. Pretty good. But she was a model. How is she not superficial? And how is she with you looking the way you do? Really, I have nothing against the way you look. But you assume she must. She must only be into looks. She must have finally just saw you. Or maybe she heard about how couples are supposed to start looking like each other eventually, and she said, "Fuck that noise!" I don't know. But congrats for staying with her that long. I think you win all the money in the pot as nobody was banking on you two staying together longer than 8 hours (maximum amount of time it takes for the alcohol to fully wear off).
To anyone who enjoys wrestling. I'm watching it right now. New development. It's fake! And it doesn't even look real! And it has more monologues than a soap opera. It's 2% fighting and 98% shitty dialogue. And you, as an audience, are not people who watch anything for snappy dialogue or anything clever for the most part. Why are you watching this? Watch UFC. All that is, is fighting. That has to be more your cup of Monster Drink. No thinking involved. I think you just keep forgetting to change the channel.
To the waitress at Islands. When I order chicken fingers...you know what I'm talking about. Or if you don't, then you got ranch for brains. Chicken fingers! It's universally known! Oh, they're called Tiki Tenders on your menu. I see. Well, when I say chicken fingers you should still know what the fuck I'm talking about! How did you get confused!? It's not like I called it a name that was not obvious what it was. I said chicken! Your menu has a dumber name for them! Tiki Tenders. That does not even say anything about what it is! Why can you decode that but not my TOUGH SECRET CODE!? Come on lady! Use your brain. There's no need for me to point it out on the menu for you. And there's no need for you to correct me and say, "Oh those are actually called Tiki Tenders sir. We don't have chicken fingers." No they're not. And yes you do. Bring me breaded chicken and shut your mouth, moron! And when I asked for a refill you did not need to ask if I wanted a free refill. This restaurant only has free refills for sodas. And why would I ever want to pay for one when I am given the option of a free one? Does your brain proofread your mouths documents or just let them fly out all day with no set of eyes for a peer edit? You need a new process for this "talking" thing you do. The current situation you got is pretty fucking horrible.