Monday, February 20, 2012

The Million Dollar Question

Here’s a story I’m going to tell you. Pay close attention. I’m going to ask you a question at the end of it all.

Rob is a claustrophobic. He has been ever since the age of 8 when his classmates locked him in a suitcase. He kind of had it coming when he locked them out of the suitcase store that had all the free candy bars that one afternoon after school. Oh irony. You strike us all at some point in life, don’t you? Anyway, Rob was locked in that suitcase for about 12 seconds, which for anyone who’s never been locked in a suitcase, that’s about 11.75 Seconds longer than the human soul can tolerate. Them things are dark and scary and don’t have much stretching room. Being folded up like a pretzel isn’t fun especially if you’ve been kneeling on smelly fingerpaint all day in arts and crafts class. It’s the only thing you can smell. Knees in the nose!

Rob still grew up and lived a fairly normal life. Aside from the Ballerina Bully Incident and the Face Forward In The Campfire Fiasco. Rob got married to Laura at 24. They would have married earlier but he wanted the skin grafts to set in and be less noticeable before they had to take any wedding photos. They were madly in love. They had two kids. They moved into a two story house right down the street from Laura’s parents. The kids loved having Gam Gam and Poppa 2 right down the street. That’s what the kids called them. Crazy kids and their crazy names for older people. They often went seven houses down the street to 18 Elm to play with their grandparents. Especially when Rob and Laura were at work. Rob was a doctor, doctor of feet. Laura redecorated people’s closets, mainly to give them more room. Rob hated her job. Closets freaked him out. Large suitcases he called them. OK, maybe Rob does have some issues. But he has a pretty great life! What else could he ask for?

OK, that’s the end of the story. Were you paying attention? I hope so. Now tell me, what color was the house Rob and his family lived in? There is no right answer. I didn’t tell you what color it was. But when you read the story, you probably pictured the house to be a certain color. The color you pictured that house to be means something about you as a person. This is one of those tests. So, remember what color the house was in your head and scroll down to find out what this means about you.

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Figure it out yet? Don’t just scroll down and see which color has the best result and pretend like you picked that one. Actually think of what color that house was. Don’t you want to learn something about yourself?!

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You’re getting real close to learning about yourself. Isn’t this exciting? I feel like we’re all going to grow. Well, not me. I’m already huge. Emotionally.

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One step away! Keep that color in your mind! Lockdown! Don’t let it escape your cerebellum prison! Hire more guards! The job economy sucks anyway! I’m sure unemployed people would be willing to patrol the inner workings of your brain!

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OK. Let’s run through these colors. If you picked...

White - You’re boring. That’s the color of most houses. You probably never cook with spices. Not even salt. How bland.

Yellow - You must have a secret lust for Big Bird or some weird shit like that.

Orange - I bet you cry at the end of Planes, Trains & Automobiles when they welcome John Candy into their home for Thanksgiving dinner. Puss.

Red - You’re hateful and you hold a grudge way too long.

Purple - I bet you’re a hippie. Some people say “Being a hippie isn’t that bad” when called a hippie. Yes it is. You think I should have the same amount of money as you when I actually work for my money and you do nothing. And you eat weird things.

Blue - Oh real original! I bet you thought you got by with that color! Nope! You’re a sad person, you want to be sad, and when you aren’t sad you come up with an excuse to be sad. And you smell like nachos. Yeah. Nachos smell good when they’re nachos. When people smell like nachos, ew!

Green - Depends on what shade. Light green - you suck. Dark green - you suck even worse! Kelly green - Really? Were you waiting for that one? Who actually refers to things as kelly green? No one who’s not pretentious. That’s who! That’s you! Pretentious!

Brown - Oh the color of poop. Funny how similar to poop you are when picking a poopy color. You’re a SHITTY friend and your hair looks like CRAP. I’m sorry but it’s my DUTY to tell you the truth.

Black - Get over yourself. You think you’re way cooler than you are. And you take too many pictures of yourself.

Any other colors that weren’t mentioned, gray, pink, tope, etc. - Well we don’t even need to focus on you because you don’t matter for having picked one of these colors. Really? What made you think of any of these?

Now, for anyone still reading this and who hasn’t cursed my name too many times, I’m just kidding! Ah, I thought this would be a good laugh. I hope some of you were really thinking I knew what the fuck it meant when you picked a certain color. I don’t! Why would I know that?! You know what? It probably doesn’t even mean anything. You probably just picked your favorite color. Or the color of the house you grew up in. Or the color of the house you are currently in and it was just the last house you saw. I don’t know. Any of you feel jipped? I’ll cheer you up with some lies. Red probably means you’re passionate or some bullshit. Green means you’re smart. Yellow is energetic. Orange romantic. Blue means you’re wise. And brown...well come on who picked brown? It’s seriously the color of poop! I might stick by my answer for brown.

1 comment:

  1. The person in the suitcase was you. And what your mean brothers did to you.

    ReplyDelete