Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Drunk And Watching TV

There’s some commercials where the people in it breathe and you can see their breath. Sometimes it’s bad breath and it looks like gross beige fart clouds. Ew, what have they been eating? Why are they even breathing? They should hold their breath until they faint or die because their breath is the worst thing in the world for a person with a nose. Which is upwards of 99.5% Of the world. Then, some of them breathe and it’s an appealing whitish blue color and usually when they have had the gum that is being advertised in the commercial. And everyone else is pumped about the smell and the look of the breath.

I am never pumped about seeing someone’s breath. That either means, Ew, I can see your breath for some gross reason or, Wow it’s too cold. Give me a blanket and mittens and redirect me to my bed. I’m going back to bed.

And maybe give me a beer to make me think it’s warming me up. It’s really not going to warm me up, it’s going to have the opposite effect. But I am already drunk so I think the alcohol is keeping me warm. The alcohol is making me think many things.

Know how when you get drunk and some people seem more attractive? People who are normally Meh can suddenly become Meh-able and then that quickly turns to Bed-Buddy. Know Jennifer Garner? No matter how drunk I get she always seems plain to me. Just saw a commercial with her in it, and like I said I am currently drunk, and I still said, Meh. Sometimes I’m actually thinking, she’s ugly. But that’s probably too far. But she never looks good. She’s too plain. Just...I don’t know...I get she’s a lady, but that’s about it. Maybe it’s her ears, or the rest of her face, but it makes me go...well yeah that looks like a human I drew in 4th grade. I am not very good at drawing but I can draw well enough so people can identify what I am sketching. If I drew an elk lots of people would guess elk or deer or moose or rhino. That’s the level my skill is at. So, if I try to draw a pretty lady you will understand she is a human lady but that is about it. That’s how Jennifer Garner looks to me. No offense to her. I’m sure she’s nice and you know what, she makes lots more money than me and is way more successful than me. She wins over me. No skin off her plain face if she hears I think she’s Meh. But I still think she looks like a rough draft drawing of a regular human lady.

And if she were breathing in a commercial I’d bank on it’s color being closer to gross beige than to whitish blue. The hue might not be so dark but it would be around a tope. Mine would be better and I have been drinking beer since 2 p.m. And some of the beers are hoppy. And they all have been strong. And I have also been eating fried chicken, and tater tots. And I brushed my teeth for probably 20 seconds less than normal today. So, this is an off day. And my breath cloud is still better than Jennifer Garner’s. No offense to her! She isn’t known for her breath clouds. She’s known for her....what?...her acting or something? Make-up commercials?

Look, I like Juno a lot and Elektra is...well that’s another movie but let’s leave the being hot and wearing make up to Halle Berry. She’s already on both of those. And her breath seems like it would permanently be that blue color. Or maybe a light pink. Something pretty. Oh man. Time to freshen up my tater tot, fried chicken, beer colored breath. I got to match clouds with Miss Berry. Maybe I should chew some of that gum that was advertised earlier. What was it again? Fart color? Gross Beige? Gothika? I don’t know, some dumb name.

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