Monday, February 27, 2012

All Star Oscar Extravaganza

The Oscars was this past weekend! And so was All-Star Weekend! Man oh man! People winning tiny statue awards. Poorer people complaining about the winners. People dunking over everyone in the universe. Poorer people complaining Kevin Hart isn't that tall and who cares if anybody can jump over him. Ah, it was a fantastic weekend. Watching rich ass people show off. Making me feel under appreciated and like my wallet is a hungry, tiny pipsqueak. Best moment of the weekend was probably Chris Rock letting everyone know how easy line reading is. He saved the day, for real. And Bret McKenzie winning an award. One half of Flight of the Conchords has an Oscar. That's respectable. That would be the second best moment of the weekend. I got some other "Best Moments" but they're in picture form. Let's take a look.

For one person this won Most Intimate Dunk.

Loved this movie. I was as surprised as Kermit though I must say.

How long had they been planning this?

Oh Lord. They did it. Yuck.

Haha. The Gos. Killing it. Still haven't seen this one. I'll see it for that line though.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Blood City - Episode 1

Welcome to a city that never sleeps. Except between the hours of 10 P.M. & 6 A.M. And maybe even with an extension to 10 A.M. for those who have the luxury of sleeping in.

This is a city like any other. A city with doctors, lawyers, mechanics, and killers! A little heavy on the killers in fact! That’s why this city is named Blood City! Actually, the early settlers here were all blood related and they decided that would be a clever name back in 1886. But it works out just swell for all the killing that goes on here!

This story starts off like any other basic Italian Plumber Folklore. A princess has been kidnapped! And yes this civilized, modern society still has princesses! It’s no big deal!

One man contemplates the pros and cons of attempting to rescue this princess who comes from a wealthy family. Pro - Big cash reward. Con - Have to use that vacation time he’s worked so hard to accrue. That’s OK. He decides to do it anyway. Now, this fella, Zaron (typical modern name), is not necessarily a good guy. But he’s a guy trying to get that paper, dog!

He consults the local wizard/veterinarian for help. After getting the medicine for Coco’s bowel problems, he asks who might have kidnapped the princess. The wizard consults his Slinky Of Truth. He’s all like, “I don’t know but that Luke character was acting pretty suspicious around here the other day with his band of goons talking about trying to make a quick buck.”

It hits Zaron all at once like the weight hit Christina Aguilera. “Looking for a quick buck!” He exclaimed. “Of course! He kidnapped the princess and is holding her for ransom! I’m off to find that goon, Luke!”

To make matters real simple and quick, Luke was just outside the Wizard’s temple with his tabby cat ready for their routine teeth cleaning. Yeah, both of them. It’s one of those cheap family package deals. Luke was ready to fight. “I heard the whole thing. Looks like someone’s already onto my plan.”

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Million Dollar Question

Here’s a story I’m going to tell you. Pay close attention. I’m going to ask you a question at the end of it all.

Rob is a claustrophobic. He has been ever since the age of 8 when his classmates locked him in a suitcase. He kind of had it coming when he locked them out of the suitcase store that had all the free candy bars that one afternoon after school. Oh irony. You strike us all at some point in life, don’t you? Anyway, Rob was locked in that suitcase for about 12 seconds, which for anyone who’s never been locked in a suitcase, that’s about 11.75 Seconds longer than the human soul can tolerate. Them things are dark and scary and don’t have much stretching room. Being folded up like a pretzel isn’t fun especially if you’ve been kneeling on smelly fingerpaint all day in arts and crafts class. It’s the only thing you can smell. Knees in the nose!

Rob still grew up and lived a fairly normal life. Aside from the Ballerina Bully Incident and the Face Forward In The Campfire Fiasco. Rob got married to Laura at 24. They would have married earlier but he wanted the skin grafts to set in and be less noticeable before they had to take any wedding photos. They were madly in love. They had two kids. They moved into a two story house right down the street from Laura’s parents. The kids loved having Gam Gam and Poppa 2 right down the street. That’s what the kids called them. Crazy kids and their crazy names for older people. They often went seven houses down the street to 18 Elm to play with their grandparents. Especially when Rob and Laura were at work. Rob was a doctor, doctor of feet. Laura redecorated people’s closets, mainly to give them more room. Rob hated her job. Closets freaked him out. Large suitcases he called them. OK, maybe Rob does have some issues. But he has a pretty great life! What else could he ask for?

OK, that’s the end of the story. Were you paying attention? I hope so. Now tell me, what color was the house Rob and his family lived in? There is no right answer. I didn’t tell you what color it was. But when you read the story, you probably pictured the house to be a certain color. The color you pictured that house to be means something about you as a person. This is one of those tests. So, remember what color the house was in your head and scroll down to find out what this means about you.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Awesome Explosion Has Excellent Debris

Here are some rarely seen images. With captions. These are basically all real. So don’t even question the integrity of this post.

You got to learn when and when not to boast Rex.

Matt Damon is so helpful.

Looking for hip music and fingernail accessories in the same location? You must be at Wal Mart.

Matt Damon is so trusting.

Yeah, Roseanne is pretty gross. And has a horrible voice. At least Fran Drescher was pretty good-looking in her day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day For Porn Stars

What do you think it’s like for a porn star on Valentine’s Day? What do they do? Do they have to work? Is it not nearly as bad working on Valentine’s Day as it is for the rest of us? Obviously, it’s already not as bad working any given day compared to the rest of us. But what if they actually have a Valentine? For the sake of simplicity let’s name out porn star Candy Lane. I know that’s a popular street name but come on, that’s a good porn name too. Travel down this lane for a sweet time...OK getting off topic. (But you know that would work).

So, Candy Lane has a Valentine. A guy she’s been seeing for 4 months now. Things have been getting pretty heated as of lately. Not in the sex department, she not only gave it up on the first date, she had his breadstick in hand before the soups made it to the table. No, no. I mean, he took her home to meet his family. And he met her family. Things are getting intense. Candy Lane really likes Ben Entermy. That’s his name. Swedish or something. Anyway, she has to work February 14th. Ben says that they’ll do something afterwards. He has the day off. He’s going to spend all day setting up his apartment while she’s at work.

He’s getting in romantic mode and she’s off boinking three other guys while one watches and films. And by the way, real quick, you ever see these porns where the camera man talks? First off, ruins the illusion! Now, I am fully aware I am watching something some other perv taped. Not something I want to be thinking of. Also, don’t talk to her! She doesn’t want to talk to you! If she wants to talk to anyone it’s the guys she’s working directly with. Not the guy who’s not good enough to have sex for money and also not good enough to film something real...of actual substance. And these camera guys always make the dumbest jokes. “Oh yeah. We got a real BIG surprise for you.” Ah, so clever. I see what you did there! Yeah, talk about how BIG the guy’s member is who’s going to be plowing her. That makes you seem real funny. Then, she’s totally going to want to date you! Your plan is working perfectly! Why are these guys always trying to impress the porn stars? Sometimes they even do it while the girl is having sex! Are you serious?! What about this seems like it’s going to work? And why can’t you hold the camera still? That’s your one job and you cannot even do it! Besides all this, Candy has Ben to go home to!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Drunk And Watching TV

There’s some commercials where the people in it breathe and you can see their breath. Sometimes it’s bad breath and it looks like gross beige fart clouds. Ew, what have they been eating? Why are they even breathing? They should hold their breath until they faint or die because their breath is the worst thing in the world for a person with a nose. Which is upwards of 99.5% Of the world. Then, some of them breathe and it’s an appealing whitish blue color and usually when they have had the gum that is being advertised in the commercial. And everyone else is pumped about the smell and the look of the breath.

I am never pumped about seeing someone’s breath. That either means, Ew, I can see your breath for some gross reason or, Wow it’s too cold. Give me a blanket and mittens and redirect me to my bed. I’m going back to bed.

And maybe give me a beer to make me think it’s warming me up. It’s really not going to warm me up, it’s going to have the opposite effect. But I am already drunk so I think the alcohol is keeping me warm. The alcohol is making me think many things.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

To All The People

To the guy working at the Chevron gas station this morning. When I said I wanted Triple A batteries you were right with me. You showed me the 2 pack of Triple A batteries you had to offer. I found the 2 pack to hold an insufficient amount of batteries, which would be 2. So, I said, I'll have 2. But then you moved your hand from the Triple A batteries to the Double A batteries. No, that did not mean I wanted a battery with only two A's. It meant I wanted 2 packs of the Triple A batteries I already asked for. Did you think people ordered their batteries in A's? "Give me 2 A's on my battery!" Is this your world? Is this how people ask you for batteries. No. You're just being dumb. And it was really hard to not make you feel stupid when I had to tell you, "No, no. Still want Triple A batteries. But give me 2 packs." I mean, how did you not feel like a dummy at that point?

To the gentleman with boundary issues at the gym. When I am standing 4 feet away from the mirror with weights in my hands, it is not a coincidence. I am there so I can work out and watch myself. Yes, I watch myself. Everybody does. Everybody in the room is doing this! It's very obvious! You would probably claim to know this fact if somebody asked you about it! Then, why did you grab your weights and position yourself directly between me and the mirror and begin working out?! There was literally only room for one human being to fit in that space and you squeezed your tight sweatpants wearing ass right into it! Seriously? This doesn't seem odd to you? Do you think I'd rather see your reflection? Or your back? And the sweat stain trickling down the center of it? Move!

To the man exiting the airplane bathroom. Yes, I see you exiting as I am here waiting for the bathroom to open. I am grabbing the door as you are exiting, to make it easier for you to exit this tight ass space. And also so that I will already be holding the door open for myself once you are out of my way. Me holding the door open actually helps both of us out. Then, why did you grab the door from me and slam it shut while peering into my soul with hatred aflame in your eyes? Do you have something against me? Or yourself? Or both of us? I have done nothing wrong to you. I don't know what you've done to yourself. Maybe something horrible. But let's not fuck me over as well, as I am a man with a bladder needing to be emptied, and the sooner I can perform this action, the better. Also, I prefer not to pee while having a stare-bomb planted in my brain. That was an icy glare. Stayed with me for days. Work on your manners please. And your assessment of airplane situations as it is currently at a shit level.