Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Insane In The Ukraine!

I realized I hadn’t done a post for the year 2012 yet and decided it was time to remedy that situation. And what better way to start the new year off then by paying respect to my fans with another Country Appreciation Post? I get views from different countries here and there but most of them come from the U.S. Though recently a new juggernaut had been climbing up the rankings of my stat board that I look at every day like a huge nerd. For awhile #2 and #3 belonged to Germany and United Kingdom respectively. Not any more. Not since I started getting views from Ukraine! First it started off as an innocent love affair. A view here. A view there. But then it escalated. Six views on Tuesday. Nine on Wednesday. And the weekend, forget about it! It was like I told America I was going on a fishing trip but really I was just getting some Ukraine love from Saturday afternoon all the way to the break a break a dawn!

I had no idea what it was but I loved it! Still love it! I still get views all the time from Ukraine! Like I said they passed Germany and United Kingdom (where I actually know people who look at my blog) and are standing confidently in second place. I’ve even seen the U.S. looking over it’s shoulder a few times. So, what is it? I don’t know anyone in Ukraine. I don’t even know much about it. What’s going on over there? Things are just Insane In The Ukraine!

So, I decided to learn more about it. Right off the bat I wondered why I often call it “The Ukraine” as opposed to just “Ukraine”. Well, I read that many people argue that saying “The Ukraine” is incorrect yet it’s perfectly correct. Hell, I wouldn’t complain. I’d embrace it. Putting “The” in front of things makes them seem that much more important and epic. For instance, when I talk about legendary actor, Kevin Bacon, I often refer to him as “The Bacon” to show my respect for him. “Yo, you’ve never seen The Bacon kill those giant worm weiners in Tremors? You crazy, bitch!” (Then we broke up.) Or another instance. Another legend. James Franco. “The Franco”. “Two arms, one arm, no arms, I don’t care. I’ll watch anything with The Franco!” And that’s true. The man gives my funny bone a boner. Don’t think it gross. Getting a boner due to someone’s actions is one of the best signs of appreciation you can give to them. Even if it comes from another body part. Getting back on track, I say embrace “The Ukraine”! I also call it, The U.S. I do it with The UK as well. Maybe it’s just things that start with a U. Not sure, but I know it sounds The Ultimately bad ass.


So, what else did I learn about The Ukraine? I learned that it’s the 44th largest country. That’s pretty big man. Oh and I learned a fun word that they use. The country is separated into several “oblasts” which are like provinces, and contrary to popular belief, not exclamations you use when your evil plans are foiled. I discovered my favorite oblast. Shout out to the Zakarpattia oblast! Yeah-er! Ain’t no party like a Zakarpattia party! It’s the west-most and the best-most oblast! Actually, I don’t know too much about it except it has a sweet ass flag with a crazy red bear sleep walking or something and it is the only region in the former Soviet Union to have had an American governor. Gregory Zatkovich, represent! Can’t tell you how many house parties I’ve thrown themed around that gangster. My homey! I’m gonna pour out some Horilka for my homey. Whoa, straight up, you don’t know about horilka? It’s a Ukrainian alcoholic beverage, and the only alcoholic beverage I’ve ever heard of that has a specific type made with chili peppers! Yeah, that’s right! You want a spicy, drunk night? Get yourself hooked up with pertsivka! I haven’t tried it, but I assume it’s amazing! They speak highly of it on wikipedia.

What else? I read about the animals typically found in Ukraine. I read, amongst other animals, that they have minks, lynx, gophers, and hamsters. Lynx, minks, but no sphinx? That stinks! Though sphinxes are pretty hard to come by in modern day. And a run in with one is guaranteed to make you poop your trousers. A person head on a giant, cat body. No thank you. I’d rather watch those YouTube videos of that two-headed baby piglet. At least that makes sense to me. It’s two-headed but it’s only one animal. And gophers and hamsters? Those are pets over here. That makes me laugh thinking about those things existing in the wild. I wonder if they have their own little wheels in the forest.

So, have I figured out this deep, connection between me and Ukraine? They have some great animals! I love animals! They had a bad ass American gangster governor in my favorite oblast of Zakarpattia. They got spicy alcohol, which are two of my favorite things. It’s comparable to The Bacon and The Franco. Is that it? Is that how the Ukrainians have found me? Or is it my absolute love of Mila Kunis who I recently just found out is from Ukraine originally?! I talk about her nonstop, I bet it’s that! Ukraine loves Mila, I love Mila, Ukraine loves me, I love Ukraine? Yes. That’s the answer. And all this time I thought I, Stephen Avitabile, was next in line to rule Ukraine as high sultan, with my extensive knowledge and deeper than physical connections with the land! Oblast! Next time! You haven’t seen the last of me!

And on a serious note, thank you to all the people of Ukraine who have viewed my blog. Much appreciated. Hope you like it. And same to anybody from any country. Thank you for taking time to read.

And Mila. I know Mila Avitabile sounds silly, but it just feels so right. Think about it?

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