Monday, December 31, 2012

How To Get The Most Out Of Your Beer Pong Game

Most people believe in the philosophy that if you are playing a drinking game, you’re better if you’ve already been drinking. Sober Sallys are the rookies in the games and the vets are past a few deep. But how deep is too deep? Once asked by a famous pornographer...and now by me. You can definitely get too sloshed and lose your magic touch. When it comes to the most popular drinking game of beer pong, I’ve always been fairly certain of how my skills progressed. I finalized my research and rolled it up into a scientific sweatervest. I’m hoping my conclusion to my hypothesis can help you...The Average Party-Goer.

Observe.


Now, as you see, my skill-set is around decent when sober. I am your average-skilled-at-games human being. My athletic and competitive ability are in the mean the mode the medium and every other type of average you could imagine. My graph is for my personal skills, yet will be extremely close to the average Johnny Walker. Now look at what happens the more beers I drink. The better I get! It’s like a video game! The power ups (beer) increase my  basic attack ability (ping pong ball shot). We won’t get into magic attacks because I don’t play with tequila anymore. No more sorcery here, muchacho.

Get me to 6 beers and oh boy! I’m at 100 in those mystery units. That’s as good as I can humanly be! But look at what happens after 6 beers! At 7 and even 8 beers I somehow go above what is humanly possible. My special attack is kicking in and I am of God-In-Training Status. The 7-8 beer range is where I want to be and where I want to stay. But you can never stay there that long. Because all you want to do is keep drinking. And keep drinking is what I do. However, past 8 beers is too many beers. As you can see just that next sip is dangerous as my skills drop as quickly as anyone’s pants would at that same beer level. And just when you think it can’t get any worse once you’ve hit double digit brews...I crank an 11th one back and somehow do worse than if I were just standing still, handing my turn over to a piece of lint.

So, there’s my beer pong story. I hope it helps you. If you’re anything like me, try to nurse those 7th and 8th beers. Hope you can finish up the tournament before number 9. If it’s a small division and few teams, go for beers. Down em bud. But if it’s double elimination, every team in the playoffs, you’re better off with a water cup and staying sober. If you’re like me anyway. So, practice safe beer ponging this New Year’s and for all events moving forward. Want to play your first game of 2013 at the crack of midnight? Try it while celebrating the new calendar year properly, CHAMPONG!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Unbelievable Home Alone Genetics

So, you've seen Home Alone, right? Great movie. One in which, no matter what ridiculous and unbelievable things happen, I accept them since the movie is so amazing. I'm sure many of you do the same. Certain things you may overlook due to the sheer awesomeness of the movie...

The iron falling on Marv's face and not breaking or bloodying his nose...just leaving a mark.

The blowtorch lighting Harry's head on fire and him standing still for a good 4 seconds before deciding he isn't a cartoon and running away to pile drive himself into the snow.

Kevin sledding from the top of the stairs all the way down, out the front door and into the front yard without crashing into anything even though the stairs are clearly not perfectly aligned with the front door.

10 pizzas costing $122.50 in 1990. (What were their toppings, lobster and platinum?)

The pizza boy not calling the cops after being "shot at".

Whatever it may be that you notice that makes you go, "Um, I don't know if THAT would really happen" it's OK. It's all good. Because the movie is all good. For me, I'll come across a new one of these every once in awhile but then it just takes another viewing to smooth things out. Just one more viewing for me to say, "It's alright. It's Home Alone! The movie is basically perfection!" And I've seen the movie more times than an adult should have. More times than the average adult male has seen boobs. Every time I see a new thing, Home Alone manages to make it all better by being viewed just one more time. But here's the latest thing I noticed. The newest part of the movie I'm really having a problem with.

This...


Plus this...


Equals this???


You really dropped the ball on this one, Biology! How did that one happen?

While you all ponder how the above is possible in this current world we live in I'm going to watch the movie one more time so that I don't have to continue to join you all in intense cerebral paralysis.

Friday, December 21, 2012

My Date With Milla Jovovich

It's a blog post published on December 21st 2012 and it's NOT about the end of the world?! Yeah, I hope you guys aren't looking for that cause I'm not talking about that. It's not happening. I realized looking back, I was so confident it wouldn't happen I should have bet on it. Either way, it's the safest bet you could make. "I bet you $100 the world won't end on the 21st." Either you get your money, or by some chance you lose but you don't have to worry about paying up. But this isn't what we're talking about here! Although, briefly Milla Jovovich did give her answer to a fan who asked if she thought the world would end as the Mayans predicted it. Her answer was basically...even if it did she'd just be hanging out with good company eating good food so it'd be fine, but that she didn't think it would be ending.

That's a perfect example of how laid back and nice she was in this live chat show I got to join in with her. Most of the movies I know her from are the Resident Evil movies or The Fifth Element, movies such as that where she plays a very strong character. Or just a very strong personality of a character. It was great to see how she was in normal life since I don't think I'd ever seen an interview with her. Not that I thought she'd be all Alice from Resident Evil, guns at her hips, mean-mugging, black latex outfit (maybe I hoped for that last one) but she was so opposite that. She was laughing a lot, she was very funny and charming and was actually quite inspirational at times. I don't know if this is a quote from someone else, but I don't care because it came out of her so naturally and organically, but she said to one guy (and everyone) "Who are you when no one's looking?" It was at the tail end of talking about doing what you like and what keeps you interested and things in that nature. But I really liked that last part. I guess it's time for me to be really weird in public, if I am to be that person when no one is looking all the time!

Anyway, this live chat show was promoting the video release of the newest of the Resident Evil movies, Resident Evil: Retribution. My cam showed up on the feed somewhere in the middle of the show and she immediately greeted me and asked me who I was and where I was. I told her my name and that I was in Los Angeles (and dropped the name of my blog, Kaboom!) and she was instantly taken aback. She told me she really thought I was about to start speaking Spanish. I ended up laughing pretty hard since I was so surprised by that comment, very few times has someone looked at me and thought I'd speak Spanish (my Spanish teacher, girls I told I spoke Spanish to impress them, that's about it). I asked her why and she went on to explain, and I wish I had the video to prove this, hopefully I'll get it soon and I can put it up here. But she told me, she wasn't quite sure, maybe it was because she saw a tall, dark, handsome man and he just looked like he might speak Spanish. Yeah, I got to do a live chat with Milla Jovovich  and she called ME handsome.


Check it out, I do look a little Latin I suppose. I used to lie and tell people I was part Argentinian so maybe I passed for that in Milla's eyes. And as for handsome, I don't know, you're looking at the same feed she was looking at. Her husband was right there in the room (off camera) but I hope it didn't hurt his ego too much. He wins, he goes home with her every night. I get complimented by her in front of thousands of people all over the world. (In my world that's still winning though.)


Oh, there we go. That's the face she saw that made her decide to use the word "handsome". It's my sexy-face. Anyway, after we had a good laugh, and I tried to collect myself and pull my jaw back up into the non-shocked-human range, I asked her my question. I was most curious that since most of the Resident Evil movies were a few years apart and she did a couple projects in between each if it was ever hard for her to get back into the role of Alice. If there were any breaks in between movies that proved to be more difficult. And since she's a professional, her answer is basically that, once taking the amount of time necessary to prep oneself you can get back into the character. Though she did admit that sometimes after spending months away from a project once it's completed filming and she has to come back to do voice work...that can be difficult. She even did an example of a line she might say in the movie a few times, the process of trying to get it right. Saying it first as Milla, trying it again as the mother of her children, still not getting it, then finally.....Yes. She did the Alice voice for me. Which was pretty fun to hear a line spoken by her, twice with little meaning because of how it was spoken. And then a third time, perfectly done as Alice, and it had all that much more impact.

Anywho, the show was great. I had a lot of fun. I sincerely did feel honored to be able to ask this amazing and successful actress a question and get such an honest answer from her. And it was great seeing her interact with all the other fans from all over the world and hearing her responses to them. And let's not forget, she called me handsome. That's really all I needed for Christmas. Thank you Milla Jovovich. Sorry I didn't get you anything. But if I might try here...you're very lady-handsome...or beautiful as I've heard it called in some circles. Merry Christmas to you and to Sony as well! Thanks for letting me hop in this show. Alright, time to head to work and brag about my new girlfriend...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My Date With Looper

Just yesterday I had the amazing honor of getting to ask Looper writer/director Rian Johnson a question on a live cam show! Spreecast be it's name! I'd never been on there before but it's pretty fantastic. Chase Whale was the awesome guy running the whole show. He asked some great questions, asked some of the fans questions for them, and a lucky few of us got to ask Rian ourselves (look at me on a first name basis with him) via webcam.

I luckily had a webcam which, no joke, I've NEVER used. I bought it once for something, nothing sex related, and then decided not to do it. I honestly can't remember which just makes me think, I thought of a "funny" idea involving having a webcam, bought one spur of the moment, woke up the next morning and realized it wasn't a good idea at all, and never returned the webcam since I'm so lazy. But, it was lucky I still had it, so I got to ask Rian myself! I'll post the link to most of the show at the end of this post if you want to watch it. It was literally Rian Johnson's birthday, he did the show anyway, and went longer because he had the time and he's so cool like that! I didn't post the whole thing, there's around 20-25 minutes of content beforehand, but the clip is starting with my question and then all the other questions afterwards.

I'm not trying to be cocky or anything and start it off with myself...I was trying to be mega-cocky and make a clip that was only my question but somehow messed it up and made it run to the very end. Oh well, it's still an hour of amazingness and beauty and cinematic...well let's not get ahead of ourselves, it was webcam quality. The best webcam quality you could have though! But in all honesty Rian had some amazing answers to, what I think were, some pretty damn good questions. And him and Chase were just pretty funny and apparently kind of have a thing for each other, which was fun to watch play out on camera! It was like watching the B story (the love story, you guys) as all the very important stuff was happening simultaneously.

Here's a screenshot I took of a pivotal moment in the show, where Rian is answering my question and at the same time, in the chat window to the right, my hair is being complimented by people I don't even know. Something I experience every day.


Shout out to Alistair! Thanks bud. But yeah, Rian was really great and super nice to everyone, very informative. I was pretty damn honored to be able to ask him a question, get his detailed answer and be on the screen with him at the same time in which I had plenty moments to print screen and get the best images from to make millions with! I haven't decided how that will work yet but I'm sure it will somehow! And Chase did a fantastic job as the moderator and I really couldn't ask for a better first Spreecast! So, without further adieu (Really? It took me 4 times to get it right and THAT'S the correct spelling?) here is the clip! I hope you all enjoy as much as I did!

Questions For Mr. Looper

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Friends All-Star Team

Imagine if there was like a Greatest Hits of Friends. Or better yet, an All-Star Team for Friends. It would go a little something like this.

Season 2 Chandler when he was at his funniest.

Season 5 Ross when he was at his funniest, due to that time of his life he was at his craziest.

Season 4 Monica when she was at her hottest, also she’s naked the entire time.

Season 1 Rachel at her hottest, also gets to be perma-naked.

Season 9 Phoebe when she got to her hottest. What is she like a wine? Gets better with age? So weird, the other two were hotter when younger but she was the opposite. Oh also she’s naked because duh, she’s a girl.

And Joey from any season because I really don’t think he has a best or worst season.

Alternates...

I don’t know, Gunther from Season 1 when he was only an extra. Because that’s funny.

Carol from the first episode she was in because she was that one actress then they got rid of her for the less attractive one. And don’t think that I’m gross when I say, also naked, because she had only just found out she was pregnant and she wasn’t even close to showing yet so it isn’t sick!

And Paul Rudd from the finale because he too gets better with age.

Done. My All-Star Team has been assembled. This seems to be problematic that my brain thinks of these things. I think it’s a direct result of seeing too much Friends and seeing Not Enough Naked Ladies In My Bedroom. Naked Ladies - please help. Bring your box set of all the Friends episodes too.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Sunday Night Football Player Intro Template

You ever watch Sunday Night Football and see the player intros of themselves? You ever get a giggle when someone says something comical? You ever get sad when you miss one? Well, here’s the template for the offensive and defensive player intros if you ever need your fill.

OFFENSE

“Quarterback’s Name, Notable College You’ve Actually Heard Of, Enunciated Well”

“Halfback’s Name, College Name You Don’t Quite Catch The Name Of Due To The Thick Southern Accent It’s Said In”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some High School”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some Middle School”

“Tight End’s Name, Joke College, Joke Most Likely Written By The Kicker Or Punter”

“Tight End’s Name, College Name Pronounced In Just Under 1 Minute”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Forged His Grades So He Could Win Games For Them”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Did Him No Favors By Passing Him Along Regardless Of The Fact That He Made It To The NFL Because After His 8-12 Year Career He Will Be So Banged Up And Bruised On The Brain And He Will Have No Skills Learned In College To Use In The Real World That He Will Not Be Able To Get A Job Post-NFL And Sure You Say, “So What, He Made Millions?!” But You Forget He Probably Also Has A Gambling Problem And He’s Careless With His Money And Spends It On Sports Cars And Escalades And Mansions And Will Eventually Run Out Of Money And Will Declare Bankruptcy Like Antoine Walker And Hundreds Of Other Professional Sports Players”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Alabama”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Nickname For A College You’ve Never Heard So Now You’re Confused”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Somewhere Else In The South”

DEFENSE

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Cow Country State College”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Some Country You Aren’t Quite Sure Where It’s Located”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Over Enthusiastic Shouting Of A School Known For Pumping Out Football Players And Almost Football Players”

“Linebacker’s Name, College In One Of Those States That May As Well Be In Canada If It Weren’t For The U.S. Wanting The Oil Deposits There”

“Linebacker’s Name, College Name Said In A Will Ferrell Character Impersonation”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere In Texas”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere Else In Texas”

“Cornerback’s Name, College Location, Team Name, Slogan, And Several Other Things That Hardly Have Anything To Do With The College Because This Highly Paid Athlete Feels Due To His Higher Skillset That He Deserves More Air Time And Should Be Allowed To Shout Nonsense At A Camera For An Hour”

“Safety’s Name, Unintentionally Funny Pronunciation Of A College With A Name Oddly Similar To An Organ Of The Human Body”

“Safety’s Name, That One College You Almost Got Into With Your Perfect Grades And Hours Of Voluntary Community Service But Lack Of Any Athletic Ability”

“Cornerback’s Name, Not Even The Name Of A College, Just A Slang Word Often Used In Rap Songs”

And there you have it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Jacksonville Hopefuls

Some football fans are so dedicated and hopeful that every play, every drive, every game, they think in their mind, “If we just get this one, we’re still in it! We got this! We can do this!” Some people, even when it’s almost humanly impossible, still believe their team can score 3 touchdowns in less than a minute. Ever been there? “I mean technically they could. They just need to score in one play, onside kick recovery, score in one play, onside kick recovery, score in one play. It can be done! Go team!” You have trouble letting go of the inevitable loss. Then there are the people who still hope something marvelous will happen that has never happened before in the history of the NFL and their losing team will march into the playoffs after every one counted them out. After analysts said it was impossible!

I’m here to help that last group. You can’t help but to be a big fan of your team. You can’t let go when every one is telling you to. When everyone is already looking to next season and “that great pick in the draft next year”. Well, don’t worry! You should always stay hopeful! There is always hope!

Jacksonville hopefuls, sad that the roar of your Jaguars has been lulled to a quiet purr as the season has progressed? Depressed that everyone has told you they’re out of the playoff run? Well, they aren’t quite out of it yet! I have figured out a way in which the Jaguars can make the playoffs. Follow me with this one.

- First, they need to win out. An obvious factor. Win those last 4 games and finish with a strong 6-10 record. One of those is a division game. IMPORTANT!

- Secondly, you need some important division rivalries to go your way. You’re going for a Wild Card here. There’s no chance of clinching the division so forget about that. Buffalo and Miami are both 5-7 which means when they play each other Week 16 one of them will have to have at least 6 wins, just like you. You want it to be Miami who you will still beat on your win streak to the playoffs and not Buffalo who has a tiebreaker over you...cause they just beat you remember? OK, along with that, some other division rivalries need to go your way. It’s fine, they will.

- Third, you need 212 players in the NFL to test positive for steroids and to react horribly to the news, throwing a fit and tossing chairs at visiting ambassadors from respected ally countries. This will surely get them from suspended for the rest of the 2012 season and playoffs.

- Fourth, you need those 212 players to fully comprise 4 separate NFL teams. 4 specific teams in the AFC Wild Card hunt that have records you cannot achieve this season. With completely empty rosters they would either be forced to pick up replacement players or forfeit. Have you seen “The Replacements”? The replacement players consist of actors such as Keanu Reeves, busy with a movie called “Man Of Tai Chi”, Faizon Love, busy with a “Friday” reunion, Jon Favreau, busy with a whole bunch of “Iron Man” shit, Rhys Ifans, busy fighting his skin mutation and also Peter Parker, and several others who are also not available. With no replacement players available, these teams will have to forfeit and will be counted out for the season and the playoffs!

With all four of these important and decently likely events taking place, you will glide into the playoffs, spots and fur in place and teeth bared ready to maul the competition. Just take care of your end, winning out, and the rest will come to you. You’re basically an AFC Wild Card winner already. Just stay hopeful Jacksonville. Like a true fan. Don’t let anyone tell you, you’re crazy. And root for those Jaguars until the bitter end...er... I mean... the sweet, sweet end!

Monday, December 3, 2012

McDonald's: Pollution For Your Face

This incident happened to me last week but I think I’m finally ready to talk about it now. I was pretty heated over all this. It’s time to get it out there to the world now.

So, I left work really late. Later than originally intended. I was going to make dinner when I got home but I was so tired I said, “Fuck that!” To no one in particular and pulled into a nearby McDonald’s drive-thru. Now, if you don’t know me, you don’t know how tired I have to be or how much I have to have given up on my life at that particular moment to have McDonald’s. Like anyone else, I give in often enough. But it’s never with a smile on my face.

Anyway, I pull into the drive-thru, so unhappy with my choice. My insides can sense the grease and start to rumble in preparation for the violence they will ensue. Or maybe they were trying to tell me how it wasn’t worth it and to drive away. When I finally get up to the window me and the man behind the speaker have a convo that goes like this.

SPEAKER GUY - Can I help you?
ME - Yeah, how much is the 10 piece nugget?
SPEAKER GUY - You want the 10 piece?
ME - Wait, how much is it?
SPEAKER GUY - It comes with 10 nuggets. Do you want it?
ME - Uh...yeah sure.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Can I also get a medium Hi-C?
There is a silence so long I literally had time to open Instagram, find a picture I happened to like, like it and comment on it. Speaker Guy returns from taking a shit in the middle of the floor most probably.
SPEAKER GUY - So, is that it?
ME - Did you get the Hi-C?
SPEAKER GUY - You want Iced Tea? Sweetened or Unsweetened?
ME - No. Hi-C.
SPEAKER GUY - Hi-C. OK, you got it. Is that it?
ME - Just the Hi-C and the nuggets, yeah.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Ummm...yeah!
SPEAKER GUY - Drive around to the second window.

Already I am hating myself but I’ve already ordered. It will all be over soon. Just got to drive around and get my food. I pull up and there are two cars waiting in front of me. No biggie. SO YOU’D THINK! I end up waiting forever! I have no idea what is happening! I take to social media again and manage to comment on 2 different Facebook statuses, retweet some tweets, go back on Instagram and like 3 more photos that have since been updated! And I am still waiting! It’s to the point where I want to leave. Just say, “Fuck it” again and drive off. I haven’t paid yet. But I’ve already waited so long. I’ve already invested so much time. I gotta stick it out at this point. But we are not moving at all and there is no sign of life from the McDonald’s window. No joke, the car behind me literally starts spewing smoke from the hood. It’s billowing everywhere, so much to the point that I can’t even see the car behind me anymore.

Just as I’m thinking that maybe the car behind me is on fire the line starts moving. The two cars in front of me get their food at snail-like pace and I reach the window. The guy trudges through a fry-lined-kitchen-floor towards me, not at all worried that the vehicle behind me is probably ready to explode in just a few moments. He tells me my total is 7 whatever. I give him my card.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Oh a card?

He then walks off with my card. Oh a card?! Yeah, that is one common form of payment, troll! Let’s hurry it up! I cannot believe I waited so long in this line for fucking McDonald’s as it is! But also the fire department is about to get an urgent call for a car combusting whilst waiting too long in a drive-thru, probably longer than any car’s ever waited...ever! I can clearly see him go stand in front of a computer, stare at the screen, not touch anything, hold my card the whole time, then trudge back.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - We currently cannot accept credit cards. Our machine isn’t working.

He hands me my card back. I explain to him that nobody told me I couldn’t use a card when I ordered and I have waited in line for a tremendously long time and I only have five dollars cash on me...as nicely as I can. I do not remember the exact wording, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even that nice at all.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Well, if you don’t have enough money...
ME - I have enough money on my card.
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Um. Well, let’s see, the burger and the fries...
ME - I didn’t get a burger. I got nuggets. And a drink.

He then disappears. Apparently he wasn’t done with taking a shit earlier. Or he forgot to wipe. He returns with a bag. Free of shit, don’t worry, I checked.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - These are the nuggets. And here’s the drink. I’ll only charge you for the nuggets. It’s 4.32.

I give him my five dollars.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - OK, you’re all set. Bye bye.
ME - (As he is walking away) - What about my change?
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Yeah, you’re all set.
He disappears.

OK, I get that I was getting everything for cheaper than what it cost but did I not deserve my change? If he wasn’t going to give me any change why didn’t he just tell me it was 5 dollars even? I still felt I deserved my change and/or the last 25 minutes of my life back but I decide it is time to put this behind me and just leave. Fucking peel out even.

Oh my Lord! This is the problem with McDonald’s! Not only is it sad for your insides and eating it is basically a sign that says, “I gave up” but they kill your brain too! They waste your time and put you in mind-boggling situations like this! I am in no way trying to discredit them and tell people to stay away from them. They discredit themselves. And people will still go, no matter what. But I think, besides being healthier and in an initiative to pollute my body less, I also just want to pollute my life less. And that was a polluting experience. I need to stay off the McDonald’s for at least 52 weeks. I’m going to do my very best. Want to follow my progress? I’ll be live tweeting my weekly McDonald’s detox. @SteveInevitable

Friday, November 30, 2012

SteveInevitable Trivia: Round 1

Hello everybody! We here at SteveInevitable (Yes, it's only me) were wondering if you were interested in winning some free prizes! I've never done a giveaway before, this is my first time! You caught me! I wanted to save it up, you know, for that special......anyway! Some of you may remember that recently I got to go to a press event for Men In Black 3. The agency that arranged that for me, Momentum Worldwide, also told me I could do a giveaway for my readers. And since I truly appreciate everyone who reads my blog, I thought this would be a nice way to show some appreciation. Their client is Sony, so they have a few different prizes from them that I get to give away. The prizes are, 1) The Amazing Spider-Man DVD 2) Rec 3 DVD 3) Arthur Christmas DVD 4) Sparkle DVD 5) Men In Black 3 DVD and 6) The Amazing Spider-Man poster with a certificate of authenticity.

Pretty awesome huh? They seem like neat people over there at Momentum. They sent me to a fun event so I like them. I'm easy enough like that. OK, so there are 6 different prizes so there will be 6 different winners. The winners will randomly get one of those prizes mentioned. I'm all for fun trivia so I decided that would be the best way to pick the winners. Here's how it will go. 10 questions. The 6 best scores are the winners. If 3 get 9 answers right and 3 get 8 answers right and the rest score 7 or below...well guess what...I got my winners picked easy as pizza pie. Let's say some geniuses stroll onto this web site and score some perfect scores. For instance, 10 people could score a 10. Well then from those 10 I'll just randomly pick 6. Draw names out of a hat or some other type of head wear. Fair enough? Well, it will have to be, I'm making the rules and I never get to do this and it will surely go to my head soon enough. So, to answer the multiple choice questions (that's right, it's coming at you SAT style) just add a comment under the post with your ten answers, in order and in English. I'd like to say I very much appreciate all the views I get from other countries that don't speak English as their first language, but my hopes are you will answer in English as that's the only language I know. I don't think my ability to say "Hurry, tell me where the bathroom is" in Spanish and "I am a very little girl" in French qualify me as a bilingual individual. But oh boy have they helped me out in many an awkward situation! Anyway, in English please. And then underneath that leave your email that I can reach you at so I can get your address if you are one of the winners. Some great people from Momentum Worldwide will ship the prize right to you. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your email right in the comments section, email me at stavitabile@gmail.com and let me know which fancy commenter you were.

Alright, this post is up as of Friday 11/30/12 and I will give people until Sunday 12/2/2012 11:59:59 P.M. Pacific Standard Time. Or as we call it in LA, high moon! So you got until Sunday, high moon to answer. I will be figuring out winners soon after and it will be announced and there will be a parade (most likely somewhere in the universe a parade will be happening) and you'll collect your winnings! Ready? Oh wait! What's the trivia about?! Whatever I want to make it about, I make the rules. But it will mainly be about some of these great Sony movies and then also some about me because...yeah...you guessed it...it's my blog and I make the rules. Also, it will be harder for the internet savvy people to find answers to questions about myself. OK, let's do it.

1) In The Amazing Spider-Man Peter Parker is American. Peter Parker is played by Andrew Garfield who was born in...
A) America! Just like Peter Parker!
B) The U.K.
C) France
D) South Africa

2) Emma Stone also stars in this movie and is tremendously attractive. That has nothing to do with the question but is SO TRUE. She probably doesn't realize it but she was in a movie that I was an extra in. So, we're basically co-stars. What movie is that?
A) Crazy, Stupid, Love
B) Zombieland
C) The House Bunny
D) Superbad

3) The Lizard/ Dr. Curt Connors is played by Rhys Ifans. Rhys also appears in one of my favorite movies ever as a football player on an NFL team for just about 4 games. In this mystery movie, what position does he play?
A) Quarterback
B) Kicker
C) Wide Receiver
D) Safety

4) In Men In Black 3, who is the main bad guy played by?
A) Jemaine Clement
B) Josh Brolin
C) Johnny Knoxville
D) Vincent D'Onofrio

5) In the movie, the main bad guy, Boris, has a sort of girlfriend in the beginning. What actress played his tonsil hockey teammate? (That's what they call make out buddies in space, you guys.)
A) Emma Thompson
B) Alice Eve
C) Lil Kim
D) Nicole Scherzinger

6) When Agent J (Will Smith) goes back in time he is pulled over by the police. He tells them he plays starting forward for what team?
A) The Boston Celtics
B) The Detroit Darkees
C) The Los Angeles Lakers
D) The Minneapolis Lakers

7) Arthur Christmas features many voice actors. One of which has practiced medicine for many years on TV. Which actor dabbles in medicine yet still makes time to do some voice acting in Arthur Christmas?
A) Hugh Laurie
B) George Clooney
C) Katherine Heigl
D) Eriq La Salle

8) Rick Baker did the alien make-up effects on Men In Black 3. The first year that Best Make-Up was a category for The Oscars he won it. What movie was it for?
A) Men In Black
B) Harry And The Hendersons
C) An American Werewolf In London
D) Avatar

9) Rick Baker has also been nominated for Best Make-Up on 3 different Eddie Murphy movies, 1 of which he won. Which movie is that?
A) Norbit
B) Shrek
C) The Nutty Professor
D) Coming To America

10) I started this blog on June 22nd 2011 and have done 187 posts including this one. How many did I do in the first 100 days?
A) 10
B) 25
C) 50
D) 100

There they are. Answer away. Thanks for playing and good luck!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Tips For All Screenwriters

Sure, I've never sold a script. But that doesn't mean I can't help you. We can all help each other write scripts, no matter how much experience we have.

Here are some basic tips for ALL SCREENWRITERS.

- If your script is NOT about any kind of storm, immediately discard any lines of dialogue reading "Storm's coming." Because guess what, no it's not.

- If your bad guy is pointing a gun at someone, make him pull the trigger. Guess what real bad guys never do with a loaded gun in their hand. Give a poetic monologue about where the rockets are.

- Don't write a part suitable for Paul Walker. This way, we'll stop seeing him in things. (Don't worry, he'll most likely find a way to muscle his blank stare in anyway
and there's nothing you can do about it.)

- Work on some awesome original material so I can stop seeing movies that are reboots, remakes, redo's, remixes and titles ending with numbers. Seriously, I'm all sequeled and re'd out. Do your part. Help end the madness.


Here are some basic tips for OLDER SCREENWRITERS WRITING FOR A YOUNGER DEMOGRAPHIC

- If any of your young characters ever say "What gives?" trust me as a younger person, we don't say that anymore. Don't even just delete that from your saved draft. Print out that page. Cut out that line of dialogue with scissors. And then proceed to burn it in a fire. That way you'll learn to never do it again. (I honestly heard that in a movie that came out within the last year.)

- Yes the kids are still going to "the rock shows" no it's nothing you've ever heard of, so don't try to write "cool, young, hip lyrics"

- Following that last tip, "hip" "hippie" and "hipster" are all different things. Cannot be used interchangeably.


And finally here are some basic tips for TYLER PERRY

- Don't put your name on everything. No one cares if it's Tyler Perry's Act One or Tyler Perry's Climax or Tyler Perry's Expositional Dialogue.

- Following that last tip, exposition, it's not like money and the more of it there is the better things are. When people sit around and talk with their friends in real life, they usually don't recap their exact professions and when it was they all started working at these professions and how good of friends they all have been since 1989. And if they do...they're not exciting enough to make a movie about.

- Maybe every protagonist in your script shouldn't be white or gay or both. Try to open up your audience appeal. You can reach more demographics and more people all over the country will enjoy your movies. Currently, a map showing where Tyler Perry movies make the most money looks like this. (Red being the areas of highest revenue, then in descending order the colors proceed as orange, light orange, yellow, yellow-green, green, aqua, light blue, dark blue, indigo, purple, and black.)


- And finally, if Tyler Perry wanted to ignore all the above tips, that's fine. So long as he follows this next tip. Don't write screenplays.

Well, that felt helpful. I really want to help everyone better their skills and maybe people will be kind enough to help me better my skills. I'm not the best screenwriter and maybe I don't know what sells in Atlanta but only in Atlanta, but I got some good tips, you guys!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Day At The Men In Black 3 Press Event

“When you think of garbage, think of Akeem!” And when you think of make-up, think Of Rick Baker! Or you should anyway. Including his makeup effects on Eddie Murphy’s many characters in “Coming To America” he’s worked on plenty of other movies. To name a few, “Harry And The Hendersons”, “Gorillas In The Mist”, “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” and more recently “Men In Black 3”. When you think of “Men In Black 3”...you probably don’t think of the people I got to meet yesterday, but I think you should. Rick Baker was one of them. And the others were visual effects supervisors Jay Redd and Ken Ralston and animation director Spencer Cook. Without these guys the movie probably would have just been Will Smith against a green screen having a stand-still-punching-battle with Jemaine Clement with his regular face. OK, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea. For the record, if that were a movie, I’d still watch it.

Anyway, I was invited to this press event with these 4 amazing people present who I got the chance to interview! To get an opportunity such as this just because of this blog, pretty sure I didn’t deserve it but oh boy will I take the opportunity! Before the interviews Sony had some great new apps to show everyone though. The Movie Touch App and the Second Screen App. The Second Screen App was modeled to us with “The Amazing Spider-Man”. It’s available for the Tablet and the iPad and syncs up with the Blu-ray, so while you’re watching this movie you can move around on the App and check all this Behind-The-Scenes footage relevant to your spot in the movie. They got interviews and all that good stuff. They let me test it out and it was so new and fun I realized I stopped testing all the features and just started using the ones I wanted to use. I caught myself reading about the director for probably longer than I should have and had to stop myself. Oh right, I’m here to learn about this. Not just walk into Sony and started playing with gadgets. So, I could see myself loving having this guy seeing as how easily I got wrapped up in it.

The Movie Touch App, modeled to us with “Men In Black 3”, was similar in which it had some behind the scenes footage found throughout it’s timeline as you watched the movie. It also has the ability to share to social medias. Nowadays, who doesn’t need to share every moment and action of your life to Facebook, right? It’s OK I do it too. Anyway, there were some designated areas of the movie where you could edit it down as much as you want and then share the clip, straight up! Holy whoa! The wannabe video editor in me would trim a chunk of video down to the part where Boris says, “You Complete Me” and cut it right there! That’s because I’m a nerd and think that is funny and would play it over and over and over on my couch. But I could share an even longer clip if I wanted and was a normal human being. Another fantastic feature was that you could click on any actor’s face on the iPad and it would pull up their character name, bio, actor name, basically a small imdb profile. Real handy! We even tapped on The Worm Guys faces and it brought up their profiles! Did you know they each have unique names? And my favorite feature was probably the searching capability. Not only can you search keywords and be suggested scenes that relate to that, but it can also search dialogue and bring you to scenes where they actually say the keyword. Again, if it’s me, I search a swear word and find all the scenes where they say it, because I’m mature like that. And then maybe I just share all those scenes like a 5 year old. Regardless of how you use it, it’s useful!

Again, I’d like to point out how great this event was. And how great they treated me. Free breakfast when I showed up, including coffee. Dudes dressed like MIB agents cleaning up after me and telling me to eat as much food as possible. They showed us the apps, a few other things, we did a Q&A, in which I raised my hand to ask a question and the lady picking me referred to me as, The Man In Black. (Thankfully someone noticed I wore a black jacket and tie! I did it for the event!) I noticed most of the other people invited had camera equipment or microphones or fancy, expensive audio equipment or mortgages and were basically all more professional and adult than I. Here I am with just my little blog but they treated me just the same! (I think they just didn’t know) But it was great that people at all levels were invited to come and experience the same thing. They then treated us to lunch in which I was encouraged to eat a bunch and I am definitely someone who listens to suggestions. Little sample of what I dined on?


OK and now to the interview portion! My first ever! I didn’t get to do a 1 on 1 but I did get to do a lengthy interview with all 4 of these fantastic guys alongside a couple other bloggers. Let’s dive in. Mario and Sherice were the two other bloggers interviewing with me. So, we did our little introduction with Ken Ralston, Jay Redd and Spencer Cook and Rick Baker joined us part way through. (WARNING: If you haven’t seen MIB3 yet and don’t want anything ruined you may not want to read this yet. Also, this is basically 4 interviews with 4 people rolled into one...so it’s long.)

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Perks Of Being A Zombie

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you died a horrible death. Probably pretty violent. Like you got bitten real bad by a zombie-dude and then you got the sweats, a crazy fever, you started confessing all your worst sins in life like you'd just been injected with truth serum, you probably lose control of your bowels, and it's slow and tortuous before you pass. And yeah sure, you'll probably die a second time after becoming a zombie. Most likely from several poorly aimed gunshots or multiple stab wounds. But that's the worst of it! After that it's pretty easy!

Ah man! It's so tough cooking your steak just right! You want the flavor to be full but you want to make sure it's cooked thoroughly enough so you don't get sick. No need to worry any more bud, you're a zombie! Just eat that flesh raw. It's when it has the most flavor and you'll never get sick. Your stomach is like an iron tank now. Eat it right off the bone! While it's running away from you...

I have to pay rent every damn month! What a hassle! No, you don't. You're a zombie! Do you even own a house? Nope. You wonder around outside looking for tasty humans. Sometimes you even kill and/or eat some in their own home and then can camp out there for a while...rent free! It's like camping mixed with...knowing some very rich, very generous friends that always want you to vacation with them. Sweet deal!

Taxes on every single thing I buy! Then they make me do all this paperwork in April too! As if the extra pennies and nickels every day wasn't enough?! Although, I can't quite remember, what's the tax again on Roaming-Around-Mindlessly-Biting-Off-People's-Necks-And-Hands? That's right. 0% And that's all you do. Welcome to tax free living Zombie-Guy!

Dating is so hard these days. And where do I even meet someone to date? Once you're a zombie, you do not care about that anymore. The average male human thinks about sex every 8 seconds. The average male zombie thinks about sex whenever it isn't thinking about human flesh. Additionally, the average male zombie thinks about human flesh 100% of the time. Lady-Zombies, you have it about the same.

My cable package just cancelled my favorite station without warning! And when I call them to complain they put me on hold for hours and hours! Who cares? Meander on down to their headquarters and bite the guy's face off who screwed you over. And whoever else crosses your path. As slow as you are...85% of people still won't be able to get away from you for some reason. So, don't worry, the Face-Bite is basically in the bag. And those are the perks of being a zombie.

Monday, November 12, 2012

A Breakdown Of Orianthi's "According To You"

I've seen many a song broken down lyric by lyric. I've never felt so compelled to do so with a song myself until I heard Orianthi's "According To You". Here's my interpretation of the song.

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right

These are harsh accusations for someone to make without evidence. Stupid is one thing. Useless. This guy must have some reason for throwing that bomb in the field. Let's see if you can rebuttle it.

According to you I'm difficult, hard to please
Forever changing my mind

OK these too are accusations one would not make without a reason. Time for you to make your argument back.

I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life

OK, maybe not. You want to give us more insults from your ex. Gotchya. Making a strong case. Let's see, also this guy thinks you can't dress nicely...you know some people really can't. Have you ever thought he might be right? Also, tardiness is not expressed through opinion. That's just a factual thing. If you are really always late you really just are always late.

According to you, according to you

No, no trust me, tardiness isn't something that is opinion or belief of people. It's cold, hard facts. If someone tells you to get somewhere at 7 P.M. and you show up at 7:20 P.M. looking like a wreck in your fancy dress then you are tardy! And a mess in a dress! Don't you realize your life is on the line and all you have to do is show up on time?!

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head

Finally we've gotten to the part where you come back at us with reasons why you don't suck. As told through the story of the "new guy". So the ex, probably was with you for awhile and knew you quite well. When he says you're always late and stupid, I mean we see that he has credibility in this case. The guy's been with you. You obviously want to get back at your ex by telling him all about your brand new boyfriend. Brand new. This guy who's been with you all of what? 3 days? So far his opinion of you is that you're beautiful, a compliment to your physical appearance, and incredible, too vague of a compliment. Those are supposed to prove to us you're not stupid? You know how many beautiful girls there are who are stupid?! Plenty! You probably are beautiful and this guy who has been with you for a couple days can only say that about you. He hardly knows you. He doesn't know how stupid you are yet. And the fact that he can't get you out of his head also doesn't prove you to not be stupid or useless. He's probably just pumped you already showed him your boobs so early in the relationship and has a constant boner.

According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Again, not proving you are punctual, useful, intelligent or a lady who can be taken to the Hilton in a strapless number. Some funny people are dumb. Or maybe you said something in all sincerity and he thought you were making a joke. And if he knew you were serious he'd think you were a dummy but he's all like, "No way, she's gotta be telling a joke. No one is THAT stupid! Especially not someone who is this beautiful!" Also...everything he ever wanted? And he knows this after 3 days? Wow, we found a guy who rushes in and doesn't know you can't learn everything you need to know about a person in 72 hours. He sounds like a winner too.

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose

What's opposite? His opinions of you? No. He complimented your physical appearance and your ex said your IQ is that of a table napkin. And not even a fancy one. Again...those two qualities can and do exist in one human being. You don't feel like stopping what? Are you just saying things that rhyme now? I don't know...what would you have to lose? Who's making the accusations that there are things to lose? Nobody...why even bring that up?

He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you

Yeah I don't know. I'm starting to really side with the ex. But who knows, we've only gone through the first verse and the first appearance of the chorus. We still got more ground to cover here.

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody
And you can't take me any place

Back to the ex. A.K.A. My possible new best friend. Well...boring people suck. Especially when they have mood swings. Unless you swing from boring to full of life and happy then it's a bad combo. Maybe he can't take you any place because of the whole dress-fiasco. Seriously, just learn how to dress up once in awhile and maybe your awesome boyfriend would have taken you to great dining spots.

According to you I suck at telling jokes
"Cause I always give it away


Well, yeah. If you give away the punchline of a joke...then you suck at telling jokes! Plain and simple! You have to master the art of telling jokes, that's your own fault. Your ex is totally right. Now, I don't believe the new guy who thinks you're funny. Has that guy ever heard a proper joke been told or is he one of those people who just thinks other people are funny when they repeat Family Guy jokes?


I'm the girl with the worst attention span;

Well then fucking pay attention!

You're the boy who puts up with that

I think this guy is a saint

According to you, according to you

Maybe you think all these instances are "according to him" because you just aren't paying attention! If you listened to him long enough you'd see his complaints have reasons behind him. And really, totally honestly, not paying attention to someone you're close to, friend, boyfriend, whoever, that's like one of the worst qualities ever! I have to listen to this song over and over to make sure I get the shit right and you can't even listen to your boyfriend explain to you the proper shade of lipstick to accompany your dress with and the etiquette of telling knock knock jokes. Yeah the knocking always comes first. Not the person's full name! Yeah!

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head

Here we go with this again. Yeah, a guy who you just met thinks you're hot and a guy who put up with your non-paying attention ass for a couple years says you're dumb and don't help him with chores and are always late. It's all true!

According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Maybe he means funny in an ironic sense. Also, many men find Paris Hilton irresistible you know. And no one's mentioned how she's a part of MENSA nor have any of her comedy specials gone well with critics. Maybe this guy has low standards. Hot girl with heartbeat...check!

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose

OK, I seriously think you're just making all the same points that didn't work the first time...all over again! And they aren't going to work here either! They mean nothing! And who are you calling baby? This whole song is addressed to the ex, right? According to you...refers to the ex. So, now you're calling him baby? Oh I bet the new guy wouldn't appreciate you showing the feelings you still have for your awesome ex who just invited me to the Kings game this weekend. He and I are sitting right next to the glass and we're going clubbing later to pick up girls with large attention spans and moist, sexy usefulness. Maybe one of them will help me with the siding on my house. For hours!

He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you

Get over your ex already! He's over you! He found a girl at the club, actually the twin of the girl I found. We're both very happy. Can't you just be happy for us Orianthi?!

I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated

OK so stop talking to your ex already because he hates you. Seriously, though. You initiated this whole song-conversation. He wasn't even trying to talk to you via shit-ass-pop-song.

oh no

What happened? Did you step in a dog shit or something?

Why can't you see me through his eyes?


OK, I suppose we'll just gloss right over your random scream of "oh no" like it didn't happen. Um maybe he can't see you through the other guy's eyes because his eyes have already seen you at your very worst...wearing a flannel to that restaurant in Beverly Hills, asking the waiter if the bread is vegan and if the halibut tastes fishy. Also, get over him! I thought you were happy with the new guy. Why do you care how your ex sees you?

It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

What? I'm seriously so confused. Are you drunk? Have you turned to drugs? You're making minimal sense. You sound high.

Then after a "sweet" guitar riff for what feels like an hour she finally comes back with

But according to me you're stupid, you're useless
You can't do anything right

Whoa really? You just went first grade on him and pulled an advanced, "I know you are but what am I?"? All you did was just turn his insults on you around on him. The exact same ones! How immature and not creative. And then all she does is go on to state the same points made by the new guy who obviously doesn't know as much as me and my buddy the ex do. Let's see how he feels about this whole situation in a month. I bet he'll be begging to join us at the King's game by then. But by then me and the ex won't be going to King's games. We'll be too busy with our new project in the suburbs that helps senior citizens learn to tell jokes and put up siding on various domeciles. We're gonna be a hit. Wish us luck Orianthi!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Is That A Semen Plant?

You've just stepped outside. You're walking down to the coffee shop or you're about to go for a run or whatever it is. You're out on the sidewalk. It's a nice, sunny day out and you inhale, taking a deep breath through your nose and then...you smell it! Ah! What smells like semen?!

Is there a nearby sperm donation happening? Why does it smell like a teenager's trashcan all of a sudden? Nope. There is just some sort of tree or plant that smells exactly like semen! And it's in bloom! Stankin up the outside like it's a room commonly used for orgies with poor ventilation. It's so strong. The smell doesn't just linger, it stains the insides of your nostrils. Until you feel like you'll never smell anything else.

It's unmistakeable yet it's unidentifiable. Well, I'm sure there's some botanists that know what the sperm plant really is but why haven't they told us common folk? So that we can find them and tear them out of the soil and plant them in our enemy's turf? Or at least just get them the hell away from us! Baby's breath. There's a plant people like to smell. Babies being created. There's one people don't want to smell. See the difference Mother Nature? Get your shit together. No one like smelling the jizzum tree. It's awful.

I wanted to know what this thing looked like since I had just smelled it the other day and was once again taken aback by the cum flower or whatever it is. It seriously hits you hard, like right in the face...and maybe a little on the chest. What does Julianne Moore say in Boogie Nights? On her stomach and her....anyway...getting off topic...it hit me! And I hated it as usual! So, I look it up on a Google Image Search. But the way I worded what I was looking for was a bit off. And the results showed.

All I can say is, you have to look it up yourself. But be careful when searching for the plant that smells like semen. Word your search carefully. Or you'll get some interesting results. Well, you will regardless. I think Planet Earth knew this in advance. Planet Earth - "Hey, let's create a plant that smells like semen so billions and trillions of years later when search engines are created on the internet, people will look it up and find other funny results." Chuck Norris - "Yes. Good idea." Yeah, I know...big surprise. Chuck Norris helped create the earth and was behind the whole semen-plant scandal. But it's true.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Douchebag For Halloween

I don't know if this guy was supposed to be a mega-douchebag for Halloween and he was fully acting the part...that could explain this whole situation. However, I don't think that's the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm at the Sony Commissary and I go over to the section that has the healthy specials as I usually do. Now, let me tell you something awesome about the healthy specials here...not only is it the healthiest and cheapest food, but in my opinion it's the best too. Maybe not everyone thinks so, but it's good food and they always have different stuff. It's revolutionary to say the least.

Now, I walk up to that section after my workout and usually the line is to the right of the section. It seems as though there are people in a line to the left of it, but there is also a guy and a lady in their forties to the right of it where the line would normally form. I couldn't tell if they were in line and talking out their orders or something, as they were having some dull sounding conversation. I definitely heard the words "finance" and "escrow". Anyway, I walk up and ask, "Are you guys in line here?" The guy looks at me and pompously responds, "I wouldn't eat that food." What the fuck? OK, I don't give a shit what food you will and will not eat. I'm asking a simple yes or no question, which you technically didn't answer. All you told me was that you wouldn't eat that food and from that I am to decipher that, no you are not in line. But I'm obviously asking because I want to get in line and don't want to cut ahead of anyone, so that's a dickhole of a response. You know I want to be in this line and get this food, so you, a complete stranger, feel the need to tell me you wouldn't eat this food

Seriously, like are you trying to make me feel stupid about choosing this food? "Well, I, a forty something douchebag with my hair parted to the side as if I never got the memo that disco died, wouldn't eat that food. Anyone who does eat that food, is below me." That's honestly what I got from his response...verbatim. This guy looks like an exec at Sony or something, dressed up all nice, stick up his ass stance, but I don't give a shit what he eats. I responded laughing, "Pfff! OK!" And walked past to get in line. Then, he seemed to get mad.

As I was in waiting in line I notice he is just staring me down. Head turned to the side, pointed directly at me, eyes piercing through me. So, I turn my whole body to face him and stare right back at him. I feel when the whole body faces someone it says a lot more. It says, "No, I do not give a fuck if you'll eat this food, I'm still going to eat it, I don't care who you are here at Sony, yes I laughed in your face." That's what I was trying to project anyway. Anyway, I won the staring contest because he eventually looked away. He retrieves his food from the line next to mine and vanishes. Now, the best part comes later. We almost run into each other in line. We're right next to each other. And we are paying at the same time. The cashier looks at my food and declares, "Five dollars." As I'm paying his cashier looks at his greasy, dripping burger and says, "Ten dollars." He exclaims, "Ten dollars?! I thought this was five!" The cashier responds, "No the healthy special is the one that's five dollars. That was the line next to you. See, what that gentleman there has is the healthy special." She is obviously pointing to me, with my giant smile plastered on my face.

But wait, the very best part. The guy opens his wallet and says, "Crap I only have five dollars on me." And at this point there is a variety of closing statements I could use to perfectly end this encounter. I'm sure some of you have already thought up some of your own. You've come up with what you would like to say in that situation. Some people think silence is golden. Some people think a fist pump would suffice. Whether I planned it or not, whether I wanted to say it or not, this was what came out. Me - "Haha!" And believe me, it felt so perfect.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Beyond The Twilight Zone: Rocawear Edition

Some hip-looking dude smothered in Rocawear just made a contingency plan joke. Where the hell am I?! The Twilight Zone Blog just took at my blog and went, "What the fuck dude? That's fucked up." Are you serious, man? You look so cool and slightly intimidating with your confidence that circles around you mysteriously. You look like someone that if you made fun of me in front of a large group of people and they all laughed I'd just agree as well in order to avoid looking stupid. And here you are in Starbuck's making contingency plan jokes. To me. And some old guy, who apparently gets your joke.

I'll be honest, I don't know at all what a contingency plan is...but neither should anyone wearing that much Rocawear. Even the guy who wears the most Rocawear, Mr. Jay-Z himself, a smart guy, has not yet released a song starting with, "Hov! Dynasty! The Roc! Contingency Plans, ya'mean?" Because what the fuck is that song about and who would listen to it?

So, Young Steve The King just looked it up. I realize now, I've heard of contingency plans and just didn't realize this is what they were called. Instead of trying to redefine it, I'll give you the best example I know of. If a company needs to send many important employees somewhere on business and they all need to fly there, imagine if the plane that they were all on crashed. First off, that would be horrible regardless of who's on it, but the company would then be in dire straits. They would have lost many employees that are of extreme importance because of one crash. So, companies sometimes have contingency plans that make it so that if many important employees are all traveling to one given location they must take separate planes, so that in the event of a disaster, the company is not so horribly off.

OK. Here's how hip-cat used it. Setup: We were at Starbuck's and there was a long line. Roca-Face - "Man, when I see long lines like that know what words come to my mind? Contingency Plan."

I don't know, maybe I'm an idiot, but I still don't get it. Not that it always has to apply to flying...but how does it apply here? Also, even if he did use it correctly and cleverly and I'm the idiot in this story thus far, he then commented on my sugar intake. Mind your own business, dude! So, he still sucks. Wrapping up...in closing...I hate that guy.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Parking Wars: Steve VS. The Idiots

My name is Stephen Avitabile and I am only human. I make mistakes. I hate admitting when I make a mistake or am wrong but for the sake of the greater good and for battles I must win, I will admit some instances that I have been wrong in the past. This is going to be incredibly hard for me. (Deep breath...here we go.)

- One time I bet my friend $20 that a straight beats a flush in poker. I was so sure I was right. Then we looked it up and it turns out I was wrong. Out twenty and embarrassed in front of all my friends. I didn’t argue it any further, I knew I was wrong. So yeah, that sucked.

- One time I argued for about 5 minutes with someone that both Water type and Ice type are super effective on Fire type in Pokemon. If you knew anything about Pokemon you’d know how ridiculous that accusation is that I’m making, of course Ice is not very effective on Fire. And if you don’t know anything about Pokemon you’d still think it’s ridiculous I argued that long about Pokemon. But again, I was wrong. And once I realized it, I dropped it.

- Another time I insisted the capital of North Carolina was Charlotte when obviously, obviously, it’s Raleigh. Again, when proved wrong, I did not insist further.

I brought up these three horrible, demeaning, gut-wrenching experiences of mine to let you all know...I know I’m not always right. I’m wrong often enough. And when I realize it, I drop it! That is important to know, because when I am right, I will not let it go! As annoying of a quality some people may think that is, I think it’s necessary some people in the world possess this quality. If no one ever insisted slavery was wrong, the world was not flat, women should have equal rights...if no one ever pushed for these important subjects even knowing they were right in their views, how would we have ever made any progress? We wouldn’t. We need people to be persistent when they are right. When I am right, I will not stand “corrected” because there is nothing to correct!

Now, here’s the rundown. I live in LA. Parking is shitty in about 85% of the places you’re going to try to park. You just deal with it. Some places are shittier than others. My friend lives in one of those neighborhoods. Way too many driveways, too many fire hydrants and other reasons for “Red Curb”, and too many people needing to park in these neighborhoods. I am always careful when finding a spot anywhere, especially in this neighborhood! I’ve gotten enough parking tickets, I don’t want anymore of those mother fuckers! I also wish to never be towed because I’m pretty close to broke and can’t afford some nonsense like that. And I am a courteous driver and parker, so I always make sure that if I park somewhere...my car fits in that spot. In this particular instance I parked behind a car against a gray curb. There was just enough room for my car to fit, I even got out and checked to make sure I wasn’t poking out blocking the driveway behind me and moved my car up as much as I possibly could. After getting out and checking, moving up more, double checking, moving up a tiny bit more and triple checking AND QUADRUPLE CHECKING, I decided I was good. My car did not block the driveway behind it. It was just at the edge of the curb, so yeah I was close to the driveway, but I was not blocking it. I was legally parked. Fast forward to the next morning because I stayed at my friend’s house. I walk to my car and find TWO SEPARATE NOTES on it. Here’s one.


Thank you for complimenting me on my ability to “KNOW HOW TO PARK” but why am I a “FUCKING ASSHOLE”? Don’t worry, I get it. This abusive moron with his weapon belt equipped PEN and PAPER meant to say “I don’t know how to park”. I get it. He forgot a word. An important word though. OK, grumpy-sack, I got a few tips for you.

1) When writing a note expressing your anger with someone, make sure you write everything exactly the way you mean it. When forgetting a word, especially one like “doesn’t”, you completely change the meaning of your note. In this case, you expressed the exact opposite opinion you meant to. I am actually somebody who does know how to park, so thanks, but I can tell that’s not what your dumb ass meant.

2) If you’re going to insult me do it in a way that makes sense. Fucking Asshole implies I’m mean-spirited and then you back that up with how you think I don’t know how to do something. Those don’t go together. Perhaps you meant Fucking Dumbass? I’d try that one next time, it plays with your reasoning (or attempt at reasoning) a little better.

3) Next time check the curb before you lash out on your legal pad at a complete stranger. I was legally parked. My car did not spill past the curb and DID NOT block the driveway at all! I bet you probably had a hard time pulling out of your driveway this morning, but do you know why that is? Because you live on a narrow ass street, with a crowded ass parking situation and it’s real hard to maneuver around, EVEN WHEN EVERYONE IS PARKED LEGALLY ON THE STREET! As the situation was. You shouldn’t be mad at me because I am parked close to your driveway, legally, you should be mad at the city for making this street so narrow or for making your driveway so narrow, or be mad at your 4th grade teacher for giving up on you when you couldn’t pass the Problem Solving Section on your test. Problem - can’t pull out of narrow driveway. Reason - “Must be fault of nearby car, right?” Wrong, dickhole! Your driveway sucks and that’s unfortunate, but you’re going to have to deal with it. Leave me out of it. Moving on...let’s take a look at the next note.


Well, Miss Marker here was much more polite...but sadly still wrong wrong wrong. Now before going on, I know what some of you may be thinking. “If you got TWO notes, don’t you start to wonder if maybe the majority is correct and YOU, STEVE, are wrong?” I did. I did start to wonder. But then after realizing I had quadruple checked the night before, and after checking YET AGAIN I realized...I’m still not in the way of the MOTHERFUCKING DRIVEWAY! The earth hath not shifted, thus leaving my car inched over and blocking the driveway. My car still remains snug to the curb and no part of it’s beautiful body, juts out past the curb. And if I realized I were wrong I would have dropped it! I would not have written this post! I would have driven away in shame! But I'm not wrong! I am close to the driveway but that is all.

Yes, in a more tolerable world, driving would be easier and cars would always be miles away when we pull out of our driveways so we don’t have to worry about hitting them and pulling out could be completed in one swift turn. But in that perfect, tolerable world, these people would also live on a wider street with wider driveways. But you don’t. And I also have to go pee like 11 times a day because I have a tiny bladder. But I don’t cry and write ridiculous notes and leave them on the janitor’s car who cleans the bathroom at my work. I deal with it. Because I know this world isn’t perfect. And I know he has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY INTERNAL ORGANS! So, now here’s what you should do. You should stop sticking notes on my car! I DID pay attention to your tiny ass driveway! Hardcore! And I ain’t in front of the damn thing! Also, no. Next time I will not be towed! Because the city does not tow LEGALLY PARKED CARS! Idiot! If I really was illegally parked and blocking your driveway, you would have called to get me towed this time! You wouldn’t wait until next time! You didn’t call because you know nobody would tow me!

Upon further review, the only thing I was blocking was your walkway from the front door of your building! So, in closing, unless if you were planning on pulling a Kevin McCallister from Home Alone and sledding down the staircase and out the front door into the street, then there is no way I was blocking any “vehicles” you may use for transportation! And also, if you are planning on doing that, don’t...because it just looks dangerous. And I will continue to LEGALLY PARK because it is THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO PARK! You cannot hide behind your ugly, yellow-lined paper and threaten me! But if you choose to do so, then I will let you know this...in the words of the concerned father in the alternate present time in Back To The Future Part 2 that lives in the house that Marty lives in, in the regular present, “We ain’t gonna be terrorized!” And of course when I say “we” I mean “I”.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Gotta Get Back In Time!

I'm sure if I went to the future with Doc Brown I'd see I made plenty of decent choices. My life would have turned out well and I'd have no regrets. Doc would warn me not to go to the past and make any changes as it would effect the future and could throw things off more than I could understand. And I'd agree. I wouldn't change anything major.

But if I had some shit-ass children I'd go back in time and warn the past me that heavy Mountain Dew consumption enhances boner strength and makes you more likely to be rich. Then past me would drink it way more, kill my sperm count and I'd never have to worry about lousy children being created.

But if the kids were amazing and musically inclined I'd alert past me to write some more sheet music for the possible family band. Because now it's a reality that WILL HAPPEN. Just gotta make sure we're more ready than the Jackson 5 when that time arrives. Oh and I'd also warn myself about the Puke Seat Incident on that Southwest flight in October of 2012. Just take the first window seat you find. Don't worry about how the surrounding passengers look. As annoying as they appear to potentially be...can't be worse than day old puke.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

To Those Who Don't Know About Me

TO THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME

My steeze is the shit, my dance moves legit. Haters roll out or they wigs get split. Chicks feel my style, Steve get them wild. My money’s so young, my bank pedophile.

TO THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME AND AREN’T TOO INTO HIP-HOP AND/OR DON’T KNOW MUCH MODERN SLANG

My style is very good and my dance moves are comparatively good. Anybody who disagrees with either or both of these things is not my friend and they better not talk to me or I’ll probably strike them or use weapons on them that I am most certainly hiding in my over-sized clothing. Again, on my style, it’s very good and it particularly quells the interest of the female gender. My name is Steve by the way, if I haven’t mentioned it before and in addition to my clothes and the way I carry myself, other attributes I possess make girls very pleased to be in my general area. I’m rich but it is not through inheritance or family money. The money in my name is very new and I earned it all myself. It’s so new, you might even say (now this is only pretending that money and organizations that deal with money, such as banks, have genitals and are human) that it is below the legal age limit in which to participate in consensual sex. So, if an organization that were around for awhile, were to start holding my money, you could make the connection that said organization could be viewed as someone who has an unhealthy brain that is very attracted to others who are very young.

TO THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME AND THINK A HIP-HOP IS WHAT SENT THEIR FRIEND MILES BACK TO THE HOME FOR THE THIRD TIME AND WHO DON’T KNOW A THING ABOUT MODERN SLANG AND HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN ONE SINGLE PROGRAM ON MTV SINCE IT BECAME “MEDIA” TELEVISION

Consarn it, the chicky babies think I’m the most and I can dance almost as good as the fella with the hair in that Grease movie. Anyone who disagrees, well I’ll just have to pretend you’re one of the PRs and I’m one of the Jets and we can rumble in the alley if it’s going to come down to brass tacks. Conflab it, if you didn’t hear me the first time well then get the wax out of your ears and listen up! Girls think I’m swell! They like the keen clothes I wear. They go nutso when they see me! Pleased to meet you, I’m Steve. I got a quarter. This should get me a cherry coke and a cheeseburger, right? Damn hippies...

Monday, September 24, 2012

How I Spell Success

I spell SUCCESS - Finally beating that level of Angry Birds I've been working on.

I spell EFFICIENCY - Finally beating that level of Angry Birds I've been working on while taking a #2.

I spell BREAKTIME - Finally beating that level of Angry Birds I've been working on while taking a #2 in the bathroom at work.

And with that I'd like to say - Welcome to Steve's Monday, 4:00 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Steve's Club Etiquette: A Flow Chart

SETTING - My Place.

WHO'S THERE? - My Friends. They just showed up and want to go to boujee Hollywood Club.

ENTER - My Brain.


I don't need to tip a guy to pump my soap and pull my paper towels for me! I can do that myself! Dickhole!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Come Get Your Haircut At "Tits, Snips And Singleback Trips!"

The most awkward part about getting your haircut is not knowing where to look. For the most part you’re facing a giant mirror. You don’t want to appear so vain as to make the hairdresser think this haircut is about you, don’t you? Right Carly Simon? I’m not gonna spend the whole time checking out my chiseled self while she services my head. I can only spend 5 minutes total looking at my reflection just to make sure she ain’t fucking shit up like adding Miracle Grow to my scalp. So, what do I do? Where do I look? I can’t look at her/gay him. I’ll appear to be a perv/gay-guy-hornball. This is a problem almost everyone deals with (minus the sightless and the bald) and I have finally come up with the solution.

A new establishment needs to be created. So far, I have only catered this establishment to men. If enough women complain about their situation I can alter the blueprints. Currently, it goes like this. You walk into this place to get your haircut and as you are walking to the station you will be sitting at you notice lots of TV’s everywhere playing football and lots of naked women dancing to shitty music you wouldn’t ever listen to if there weren’t naked women dancing to it! That’s right! A hair salon/strip club/sports bar! No more feeling awkward because you don’t know where to look. Now - feel awkward because you are looking exactly where you should be looking and you are pitching a tent in your little hair cape. No worries, your hands are still underneath it and cannot be seen just as always. No one knows what you’re doing with them down there.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Fantasy Football Criminals

Fantasy Football is weird. It makes you root hardcore for Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, his retarded little brother, and a bunch of people who would be in prison if it wasn’t for their amazing ability to run fast, catch a ball, throw a ball, or tackle a guy who has a ball.

I still do it, but it’s weird. I have never rooted for this many Should-Be-Criminals ever! I feel so anti-police and anti-law when I do it. Like I’m an accomplice to their crimes.

If you were to write down all the players on your fantasy team and hand it to a police officer who did not follow football at all, he’d probably think you just handed him a list of suspects to the most recent crime he’s been solving. "Let me just enter this into our database. Yup, we have all repeat offenders...and one guy who supposedly dumped Jessica Simpson on her birthday."

Still don’t know if that’s true. Whatever. Go Romo! And Go People-Who-Happen-To-Stay-Out-Of-Jail-Because-They-Have-Enough-Money-And-Free-Tickets-To-Slip-The-Judge!

Friday, September 14, 2012

No One Ever Wants To Game-STOP

No one ever wants to Game-STOP.

People want to Game-Keep-Going-Until-All-Their-Extra-Lives-Are-Gone-All-Their-Bullets-Have-Been-Fired-All-Their-A-Bombs-Thrown-All-Their-Red-Shells-Have-Been-Shot-Til-They've-Been-Shrunken-Down-To-Baby-Size-Til-Their-Health-Bar-Is-Red-Til-Their-Jet-Dog-Is-Too-Tired-Til-Their-Special-Is-Gone-Til-Their-Head's-Been-Uppercutted-Off-Til-They've-Skated-To-The-End-Til-They've-Saved-The-Princess-Til-They've-Caught-Them-All-Trained-Them-All-Took-Pictures-Of-Them-All-Til-The-Sun-Is-Rising-Til-They-Can't-Help-But-Yawn-Til-Their-Blue-Shirt-Has-Turned-Orange-Due-To-Cheetoh-Dust-And-Cheezit-Crumbs-Til-Their-Mom-Is-Yelling-At-Them-From-The-Top-Of-The-Basement-Stairs-Saying-They-Have-To-Shower-And-Get-Ready-For-Their-Job-At-GameStop.

Oh.

I guess this is just for people who work at GameStop. I suppose other mere mortals have the ability to stop.

Monday, September 3, 2012

It's A Golden Girls Weekend

I think it’s time to reevaluate my life. Just the other night I caught myself laughing at a joke in The Golden Girls...because I genuinely found it funny! Even more scary, I was watching The Golden Girls.....alone.....on a Saturday night!

Now, it’s kind of unfair to myself to only present you with this information. Yes, I was watching The Golden Girls alone on a Saturday night, but the past 5 or 6 Saturdays have been very different stories. Nothing like that. Quite the opposite in fact. So much so that they have lead me to this horrific, geriatric Saturday night. How?...you ask? I’ll tell you.

Too often I go out and spend too much money on the weekends. I’ll do it 5 or 6 weekends in a row. Maybe I drop a Benji one night ($100 US dollars), a few A. Jacksons another (He’s on the American 20 dollar bill!), I can never be content with just spending.....well no one knows who’s on the 10.....the point I’m trying to make is I can never control myself and just spend 10 bucks. It’s always more. And I do this over and over until I have a weekend where I realize, whoa, it’s time to cool it on the spending. My ass cheek has a burn mark from pulling my wallet out too many times in a row. The fly that lives inside my wallet is totally ready to fly out at any moment, and they only do that when there’s no cash left! So, what do I do?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Do Over: On My Sunday Night

Some people who read my blog may have a good idea of what I'm like through either knowing me personally or through reading my posts. The rest don't have a great idea. I have a story from a recent night which I feel sums me up pretty damn well. It takes place at an event called Do Over. I don't know how to describe it other than a big drunken mess with lots of dancing and mash up music. I went with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays.

The first event that took place, worth noting, we were dancing. Of course! We're at a place where they serve over-priced drinks and hip-hop music is playing...of course all the fools there will be dancing. You can tell I'm obviously a BIG FAN of dancing and drinking in public. Quite the opposite, unless I'm drunk enough. But I'm the designated driver so I can't get too drunk...and am making the best of the situation. I'm not so against this that I can't have a good time. I'm with my friends and we're laughing and what not. And I'm feeling a little tipsy, so I bust out the stupid dance moves. The ones that aren't true dance moves but rather body movements to music paired with a mouth trying to sing the lyrics simultaneously. That's how I dance. Anyway, everyone is walking past, it's crowded as hell so many people are bumping our shoulders. We participate in some people watching, so we take notice of the patrons on their way by and make comments when there are good comments to make. Then, as a bouncer strolls by with his flashlight out, scanning the floor for broken glass and what not, I take notice. This guy is huge, as all bouncers are. I'm not saying he's bigger than most, he's just as big as you'd imagine. He seems to be...not a firm believer in keeping the flashlight in one general area. He goes with the...move it real fast everywhere approach. I don't think it works as it does not concentrate light on a specified area for long enough, the eyes don't have enough time to register what the light is being shone on. But what do I know? I'm not a bouncer, I haven't been trained on the art of using a flashlight. So, he strolls by, flashing the thing every which way, and it looks like a strobe light. So, I decide to yell out "Strobe Light!" as he walks by. Everyone I'm with laughs, but as it is super duper loud in this place, he doesn't hear me but sees me talking about him and everyone laugh. So, he asks what I said, clearly pissed. I have to repeat myself three times before he hears me and even when he hears me, he does not seem any happier. He stares me down as he nods, finally understanding my lame joke.

Great job Steve. Creating an awkward situation where it seems as if you are antagonizing the very large bouncer. Luckily, I wasn't struck or thrown out. But not too much later, as we are still dancing, another situation arises. Some guy is dancing directly behind me. I don't know who he is and he is facing away from me and towards his own group of people. He's clearly wasted and drinking a Corona. Again, the place being so loud, is a curse. I see him quickly jolt forward, facing his head down towards the ground. Immediately after I feel liquid splash onto my ankles from behind. It has clearly come from him. Did he just puke? Or did he spit his beer out? How do I decide to check? I wipe my ankle off a little and smell my fingers. Yeah, I was a little drunk at this point. I can't quite smell as it mainly smells like alcohol. A friend looks at me and asks me what I'm doing. I explain the situation to her and as she looks behind me at the puddle on the floor her facial expression changes to horrified. "There's chunks in that puddle," she says, mortified. Well, if anything could sober you up faster than that situation or 10 hours passing let me know, because that method is pretty fucking awesome and quick!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

No Reason Boners

Just wanted to touch on a very important topic momentarily. Lots of you are aware of these already, many are not. No Reason Boners. Everyone knows about the Contact Boner. A boner received through contact to the boner and/or it's surrounding region (and in some cases odd other pressure points like the ears, neck and back of the knee). Another obvious one is the Cerebral Boner. This is a boner caused just by images entering the cerebrum. Could be something you see or think of or a smell that reminds you of a hot lady and her big boobs.

But let's not talk about those. Everyone knows those ones happen all the time. Instead let's talk about No Reason Boners. These boners are exactly what they sound like, they happen for no reason, and they account for the rest of the boners popped by adult men on the planet earth. And they account for most boners as well. They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds or whatever the hell it is. They don't say for how long though. And that fact, which is possibly not even accurate, is not telling of how often a man gets a boner throughout the day. I don't know how many boners are popped on average by men per day, but I will draw from my own experiences. And I urge you to all do the same.

Most mornings, what does a man wake up with? Morning Wood. This falls under the category of Cerebral Boner. You were asleep, you didn't realize it but you were having sexy dreams. Images rushed to your brain. This happens to me most mornings. There's 1. Later I drive to work, maybe I get out of my car and realize I have another one. Nothing about the drive in is a turn on and I generally am not touched in the boner region in my car...not since that one incident, so that falls under the category of a No Reason Boner. There's 2. At my job I watch TV and movies all day. Maybe Wild Things is in need of a watch (oh what a laborous job) and maybe I'm the one who has to watch it. Boner. You know which scene. It has champagne - good. Neve Campbell - good. Denise Richards - great! The only part that's "ehhhh" is Matt Dillon and...whatever I can deal with him being there. He seems like a cool dude. There's another Cerebral Boner. 3. Now throughout the rest of the day there's probably a few more instances of No Reason Boners. Washing my hands. #NoReasonBoner. Microwaving lunch. #NoReasonBoner. Sending an email. #NoReasonBoner. 4, 5, 6. They just happen whenever they damn well please. Maybe I see a hot girl before I leave work and that puts my cerebrum into over drive and most likely I get another one for no reason while I'm eating my dinner. 7 & 8. This is approximately, my average day. In terms of weinal activity. And if it happens to be a special point in my life when I have a lady to go home to...finally! Contact Boner! The best kind. Because it's like when a dog wags it's tail after being pet opposed to...for no good reason at all! Possibly 9.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Poor Leonardo Nam

Poor Leonardo Nam. You most likely read that first sentence and go, "Who?" I would have too if someone mentioned this guy's name to me yesterday. Leonardo Nam is an actor, and he's appeared in several movies and TV shows you've probably seen. He's Just Not That Into You, Vantage Point, The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 1 & 2 (it's OK if you haven't seen those or have blocked them from your memory and everyone who has anything to do with them), The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, CSI, and Franklin & Bash to name a few. So, why don't you know him?

Well, for one I'm pretty certain he wasn't the main character in any of those movies or TV shows. Secondly, say you did like this guy's performance in something, and waited for the credits and got his name and looked him up on IMDB, you know what happens? You start typing Leonardo and before you get to Nam you know what shows up first? Leonardo (Fucking) DiCaprio. And what happens when you see that guy's name? Exactly what should happen, you decide to click on that instead of doing whatever it is you had previously intended on doing. What's Leo up to now? Doesn't he have like 3 movies coming out? Did he really do The Departed and Blood Diamond the same year? He's so amazing. What was his character's name in the kick ass movie of Inception? What was I doing before? I don't know but now I'm laughing because I've rediscovered that Leo was on Growing Pains and Roseanne and I'm having a grand time!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Rihanna Drive By

Intro: I like a lot of Rihanna's music. I just want you to know that. It's catchy...but they overplay it on the radio sometimes, like they do with everything.

Yet, whenever a Rihanna song comes on, on the radio, I leave it on. On the off chance that she happens to be driving by me, both of our windows down, I don't want to be switching away from her song. I want it to be on and for me to be fully rocking out to it...as I do.

And then she'll see me and say, "Oh, do you like my music?" And I'll be like, "Whoa! Rihanna! That's crazy to see you...as I was listening to your awesome music! Yes, I like it! I get dance fever when it comes on!" And she'll blush a little (I know, you wouldn't think I could make Rihanna blush) and she'll say something to the effect of how it's still flattering to this day to see her fans enjoying her music. And I'll have a witty response that's so good I can't write it down here because I don't want anyone to steal it from me. Also, I don't know what it will be yet. Then, you know what happens next?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Soon Is Too Soon To Spoil A Movie?

When is too early to talk about a movie? I know many people run into this scenario. You want to talk about a great movie you just saw, but you don’t want to ruin it for others. Sometimes you just saw it in theaters and you realize you have to give everyone a chance to see it before spoiling anything. Sometimes it’s a movie that’s been around for awhile but you’re still not sure when is “too soon”. SPOILER ALERT - something that turns people in another direction faster than a red road on SigAlert. No one wants to be the one who spoiled a movie for another. That’s -50 points on your Go To Heaven Card and +50 on you know which other card.

But when is too soon to discuss important plot points or endings or twists of a movie? Don’t you wish there were some sort of guideline? Once a movie has been out this long, if you haven’t seen it, it’s your own damn fault if it gets ruined for you. Or maybe a guide to how bad an offense it is if you ruin a movie for someone regarding how long it’s been out. A guideline we may then use if someone ruins a movie for us...we know how long we can keep them on our shit list. Lucky for you, I have created such things. I have a graph that should explain a lot, but first, take a look at the Legend below so you may understand the colors and their meanings. Each color represents the reaction you are allowed to have if someone ruins a movie for you.


Now, that you have taken a look at the colors, let’s see them put to use. Below is a graph. Yes, it was made in a highly professional program. The inner most circle represents the year a movie debuts. Each ring after the first circle represents another year. So, the first ring after the circle is the year after a movie’s debut year. And the next ring, the next year, and so on. Take a look.