Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Wind Apocalypse

Are you ethical? I apparently am...now that I have taken an ethics training course. And apparently I wouldn't have been without it! As someone who has recently gone full time, I have been bombarded with training courses for EVERYTHING! The most recent, ethics. They want to make sure that I act an ethical manner at my job. My job where I watch TV and movies all day long and am in no way connected to any dealings our company makes with any vendors. Nor do I help set prices for any products. Or do anything important. But still, if I'm an employee here, I should be ethical. I understand that. But here's my individual ethics training course. Be honest. OK. Don't be dishonest. OK. You're good buddy!

But instead, my ethics training course was over an hour long! What?! What a waste of time! I could have been getting so much work done. In fact, if we didn't have to worry about ethics and sexual harassment and 401k's, everyone in this company would be a lot more productive. But no, it's America. We should talk about everything at great length. And we should watch training videos from 1992 and never update them. Should John and Ted really be jacking the prices of their products as competitors? Is it unfair for them to agree to increasing prices of similar products so they can both make a profit? Yeah, no shit. Does it take you 8 minutes to lay that scenario down? I don't need to know each of their ethnic backgrounds and what pivotal moments of their lives told them that they should in fact be lightbulb manufacturers. Get to that point! And get this expositional dialogue and these plot points out of my fucking face! Are you serious? You going for best original screenplay on this ethics training video? This shit is ridiculous. Wasting my time. It can't possibly take over an hour to make sure an employee is ethical. AND I've been working here for 2 years and just went officially full time and they never bothered to make sure I was ethical before. I'm pretty sure I've figured out the appropriate way to act.

And here's the best part. I was doing this training course November 30th, at night, during a crazy wind storm. And as I got about 80% of the way done, the power to our entire building went out. And in a gigantic surrounding area, power was out. Gigantic power outage! Ahhh! No one had a flashlight but everyone had a smart phone and one guy had the flashlight app. As stupid as that thing has always sounded to me I was thankful one person got it. And helped guide me down 11 flights of stairs as we vacated the building. But what happened with my ethics training? Put on hold. Mother nature couldn't watch me suffer anymore. She said, "Steve, take a break. You'll blow your brains out if you try to finish this all in one day. Finish up tomorrow." I was thankful. I remember the training course said all progress would be saved. So, I'm set.


So, I left and headed to the mall to pick up my laptop which was finally fixed. The mall still had power so I headed over to the Geek Squad and got in line. The line was me. I was the front, the back, the entire line. I was the only one in line for a good 2 minutes. Then, the old lady approached. She did not get behind me. She apparently didn't want to wait in the current one-man line. That was too long for her. She rolled on up to the counter, off to the right. Leaning up on it, she posted up and waited for someone to come out of the back. I watch this bitch, because I can already see what she's up to. Over 70 or not, I don't play line-cutting games. Luckily, I'm closer to the door where they come out of so I got the jump on her. We wait for awhile, so I decide to call Geek Squad, tell them I want to come pick up my laptop, and let them know I'm standing in line waiting for someone to help me. The lady slides closer to me and asks if someone is coming out as I'm still on the phone. I ignore here. Quit trying to cut me bitch. Now, I know some of you are probably thinking I'm rotten inside because this lady "seemingly" hasn't done anything yet. But remember I was in the line for 2 minutes before she showed up and as soon as she got there she started crafting a plan to snake herself to the front of the line. And the line is only me! And get ready for what she does next.

She slides past me and all the way to the corner of the counter, right in front of the doors where the employees will be exiting from. After I called and waited on hold to tell someone to come out here, you are really going to do this lady?! I step forward and lean on the counter. I'm taller, maybe they'll see me first. The employee finally exits. I immediately say, "Hi! I'm here to..." And then she interjects in her shrill HORRIBLE voice, "Excuse me, I got a question! How much longer til my computer is done?!" Oh that bitch! How....how...unETHICAL of you! Can't believe it. Then, she starts complaining that her computer is going to take another half hour since she's already waited an hour and a half. They remind her they told her it would be 2 hours and I want to tell her how I've been waiting for 5 days, and now I have to wait even longer because she fucking cut me! Finally, someone else comes out to help me and then they try to charge me $99 for the hard drive replacement I was told was $65. This ass (and yes he was an ass, quite rude to me) tells me I was told of the sale price that ended on Sunday and it is now back to regular price. I tell him they told me the price Monday. When apparently the sale was over, but regardless, the price I will be paying. He reminds me it is not that price currently and that I cannot pay for last week's sale price this week. Too bad I'm not dicking around and I double remind him I was told earlier this week $65 and there is no reason I should expect to pay 50% more when I am not warned of the price being subject to increase. Him and his manager make ugly stink faces but eventually I get them to charge me the price I was originally told. Are these mother fuckers trying to be unethical too? Too bad I took 80% of a training course about shit like this and I ain't being dooped.

The assholes don't give me a bag. I have to carry my laptop in hand through the mall. I get home, power is still on. Until a generator explodes across the street, in plain viewing sight from my living room. It does not come back on and about 10 more generators explode in the area. My roommate and I camp out in the living room and watch "Home Alone". Best part of this experience because the next morning the power is still not on and we have no hot water and I have to shower at work. After the long, stinky drive I finally get showered and feel back to normal. Oh wait, got to finish that last little bit of the ethics training course. I pull it back up and guess what does not ACTUALLY save your progression?! Oh my Lord! I have to watch the whole damn thing all over again! The Wind Apocalypse fucked me over! And even worse, it sent me out into it's cold, unrelenting, steely self to meet with the likes of The Snakey Old Bitch and The Stinkface Geek Squad Buttholes. But I completed the ethics training course today. I am 1.8x more ethical than anyone in the world, I got my laptop back for the price I was supposed to....and....well I guess I didn't get that old bitch back. I'm OK with that though. Mother Nature fucked with me but Father Time is gonna catch up with her. I win!

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