Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Top 10 Biggest Dick Moves To Pull During The Holidays

It’s currently the holiday season. It’s almost Christmas. Everyone is joyous and cheerful, for the most part. There are a few people making it hard to have a happy holiday season. Don’t be one of those people. Need some help not being one of them? Well, here is...

The Top 10 Biggest Dick Moves To Pull During The Holidays

10 - Hide all your Jewish friends’ matches before the first night of Hanukkah

9 - As an employee of a store, tell me that if there is no more of a product left on a shelf then that means you have no more of it left in the store and there is no point to you checking out back. Really? Go check out back. You’re just being lazy. That’s not true. If I take all of these M&M’s off the shelf and put them in my pocket does that mean there’s none left in the store? No, not until I make a dash out the front door. I’ve worked in a grocery store before, at least give me the “Fake Check Out Back”. Go eat some cookies, take a quick break, come back and tell me there was none. I know how it works.

8 - Wrap your Christmas presents in toilet paper.

7 - Honk at me in the parking lot at the mall when I stop to turn into a parking spot. Yeah, if you didn’t insist on driving Up My Asshole then you wouldn’t have had to slam on the breaks when I slowed down. It’s not my fault. Also, if I see a spot, I’m taking it. You’re not getting it if you’re behind me. These spots are too hard to find. Cruise on to the next one, Angry Red-Haired Bitch. Yeah, I saw what you looked like. I could pick you out of a line up.

6 - Make bacon with the Hanukkah morning eggs and latkes. There is no such thing as a Kosher Lumberjack Special. Don’t try to be the first to make one happen.

5 - As a complete stranger, ask me to hold your spot in a long ass line at the Disney store so you can take all damn day to look at everything in the store. Really? You’re just going to avoid waiting in line until I, a complete stranger, make it up to the register, then you’re going to cut back in front of me to pay for your stuff? I thought you were trying to grab one more thing you forgot. Horrible. Next stranger who asks if I can hold their spot in line, I’m telling them no!

4 - Leave your 8 year old child home alone in your big expensive house that is just a giant, tasty delight to local burglars.

3 - Replace the candles on your Jewish friend’s Menorah with trick candles that won’t light.

2 - Gain weight, grow a beard and replace your entire wardrobe with red clothes only to be a jerk and steal toys from kids.

And finally...

1 - Frame a picture of yourself and give it as a gift.

Just don’t do anything in the top 10 and you should be good. Sound good? Merry Christmas and Happy other Holidays!

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