Friday, December 16, 2011

Gym Enemy Number One

No, he's not Public Enemy Number One, but he is my Gym Enemy Number One. And that's saying quite a lot. I have quite a few Gym Enemies. The Grunters. The Ones Who Don't Wipe The Equipment After They Sweat All Over It. The Loud Counters. Hey man, only you need to know what rep you're at. Quit announcing it to everyone in the gym. And fuck you. No way you're at 35. Now, you're A Loud Miscounter. Which is even worse. Show off. These people described, range from pretty bad to horrible. And they're not even Gym Enemy Number One.

That title belongs to a man who shall go nameless. Mainly, because I don't know his name. For the sake of this post, I will refer to him as DB, short for Douche Bag. Because he is a giant one. Now, this guy appears to be normal at first glance. Older man, quite normal looking. Nothing about him jumps out at you. He's a blend with the crowd sort of guy. Until he speaks. My first interaction with DB went like this. My friend and I are at the gym, using the machines by the treadmills for chest and back. DB is running at a stupid-looking pace on a nearby treadmill. Really, he looks so dumb. If runs had intelligence levels, his would be so low, it wouldn't be allowed to marry in most states. His run would be appointed a care taker and would not be allowed outside when it's dark. All that aside. I don't care about his run. I just want you to know, it also looks stupid.

Now, DB gets off the treadmill for a moment and briskly walks over to the area I'm in. I'm stretching in front of one of the machines as he is heading over. I sit down on the seat of the machine and just as my cheeks touch the seat, DB asks me, "Hey, are you using this machine?" I look at him, dumbfounded. "Yes. I'm just about to." I reply. Which should go without saying. I'm fucking sitting in it, moron. You're dumber than your run. He does not respond, except with an angry sigh, and then leans on the machine next to me, and stares directly at me. I set the weight to where I want it and get settled into the seat. DB keeps staring right at me. I use the machine with the most awkward feeling, the feeling of a complete stranger staring directly at me from close range. I finish one set and look over at him to see he's still staring directly at me. "Did you want to alternate?" I ask politely. I get up as he starts towards the machine. "Yeah, it's just I have this very specific routine that I HAVE to follow, so I HAVE to use this machine." Says DB in his rude tone. First of all, no you do not HAVE to use this machine. It isn't yours either, so don't post up and watch me like I'm using your shit. Secondly, does your specific routine require you to be an asshole? Is that what your doctor told you? Anyway, I step back and let him use the machine. I meander over to where my friend is and give him a "You see this shit?" kind of a look. He nods and is holding in a laugh. He's been watching the whole time. DB cranks out the fastest, loudest reps on the lowest weight of this machine. Third! Nice fucking routine ass wad! It sucks! You put machines on the lowest settings and crank them out so fast they're basically ineffective. Sweet. Whoever told you about this routine never goes to the gym.

He gets up and starts walking briskly around machines. I sit down and slowly do my set. I do it slowly because that's how I always do them and also because I already hate this guy and want him to learn to wait and be patient. I get up and let him do another stupid, fast as a cheetah set. He clanks the weights around and makes so much noise. Gets up, and speed walks away without saying anything. Gets back on his treadmill and starts running like a moron again. This is the routine? This is the worst routine ever! This has to be less effective than not exercising. My friend and I do not understand the benefit of this routine, but whatever. DB wants to do it and he thinks it works. Let him.

I had no interactions with him for the next couple weeks, though we always saw him doing the same thing. Until just recently, I had another run in. Same machine. Same setup. Except I'm in the middle of using the machine when he walks over from his treadmill. He posts up on the next door machine again. Leans on it and stares directly at me. And yes my friend is cracking up nearby again. I finish my set and pretend I don't see him. I look down at the ground and catch my breath, which I might normally do. However, I'm just avoiding looking at him, and if he wants to be a weirdo about this shit then he is going to have to deal with that. I am more than willing to alternate with people who behave in a polite manner. We all share the equipment, that's the way to act, if you don't suck ass for a living. DB does though is the thing. He sucks asses and people pay him for it. I know it. I'm well rested, so I do my next set. After that, I rest again before I do my final set. DB is still staring at me but finally decides to say something. And it is this, "Are you going to be doing a whole ton of stuff on this machine or are you done?" Wow, a number of ways I would love to answer this question. One would be, If I were done with this machine, I would no longer be sitting on this machine. Another would be, There is not a whole ton of stuff I can do on this machine. It is one machine that does one thing, has one range of motion. I will be using it a bit longer if that's what you meant. But I am polite. I act in a civilized manner when at a SHARED GYM. I respond, "I have one more set to do." DB sighs angrier than the first sigh and starts to storm off! "We can alternate if you want." I continue. He doesn't respond. Keeps storming off. I do my next set and get up from the machine, which by the way is a CLEAR SIGN that someone is done with a machine! My ass is not on it any more! So, I am done with it!

As I move over to another machine he comes back. Just because I can tell my politeness and overall positive attitude is digging under this guy's skin as he is just angry at the world I say even more politely as he sits down, "You know, we could have alternated if you wanted to." Also, I'm just trying to let him know if he acts in a civilized manner things will go much more swimmingly for him. He's super duper pissed off and starts mumbling about his routine again and is apparently trying to convey the message that it wouldn't work because his routine is SO specific. I don't understand how it wouldn't considering the first time he was a Man-Bitch to me we alternated and it seemed to work fine. His head didn't explode so it must have worked out alright.

You sir, I do not know your name, but you are my Gym Enemy Number One! You suck! This isn't your private gym. Don't treat it as such. And next time you come over to a machine I am on with that attitude I'm doing like 45 sets on it! I don't care if I break my own arms off! I'm doing it until I can't do it anymore in spite of you. Oh, and we saw you in the locker room afterwards. You hold the towel over your crotch and let it dangle in front of you but do not tie it around your waist? What kind of human being are you?! If you don't want people to see your weiner, tie the towel on! That is a perfectly normal action people do in locker rooms. Or is that you want people to see your ass cheeks but not your wee wee? Because that's what you have going on! You're so weird. I'm going to write the "How To Be A Human Handbook" just for you. You can read it and be completely enlightened. Oh but hold on. I'm not done with it yet. You can read it once I'm done. Unless you want to alternate pages?


  1. holy crap... this made me laugh so hard i have teas in my eyes

  2. see i cant even see to type... i have tears!!!! in my eyes