Thursday, December 29, 2011

Revlon Hotties

While searching Google Hot Trends to see what was trending I noticed Emma Stone was on the top 20 list. Naturally, I clicked on her name since she’s on My Top 10 List. Yeah, you know, the list you make when you have a girlfriend that says, “If given the chance to sleep with any of these people, I am allowed to and you cannot be mad about it.” The list that no longer makes any sense to have when you are single, but you decide to keep it anyway, because having a list with women’s names on it makes you feel like a man. Yeah, that list.

So, apparently she is trending because her new ad as one of Revlon’s “Global Ambassadors” is out. The other Ambassador...Olivia Wilde! You serious? Another lucky lady from My Top 10?! And yes it makes her lucky. Don’t be a smart ass and question it! Sure the list isn’t published and it was created by me, but it’s still flattering! Regardless, Revlon just made a fan out of me! They took two beautiful women from My Top 10, maybe the list inspired them, and made them Ambassadors! One of my favorite words I never use AND they have a super hot ad each I get to look at! You may have a new supporter and customer in me, Revlon!

OK, so they sell make-up and junk that I do not use. But I know some people who use it. So, I’ll just buy from them and give it to those friends! That’s one way to support them! Or I’ll just continue to stare at their beautiful ads. That’s a better way I think. Cheaper for me. And now the weird situation of me entering the same CVS every day to buy make-up and scaring the female employees won’t be happening!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Top 10 Biggest Dick Moves To Pull During The Holidays

It’s currently the holiday season. It’s almost Christmas. Everyone is joyous and cheerful, for the most part. There are a few people making it hard to have a happy holiday season. Don’t be one of those people. Need some help not being one of them? Well, here is...

The Top 10 Biggest Dick Moves To Pull During The Holidays

10 - Hide all your Jewish friends’ matches before the first night of Hanukkah

9 - As an employee of a store, tell me that if there is no more of a product left on a shelf then that means you have no more of it left in the store and there is no point to you checking out back. Really? Go check out back. You’re just being lazy. That’s not true. If I take all of these M&M’s off the shelf and put them in my pocket does that mean there’s none left in the store? No, not until I make a dash out the front door. I’ve worked in a grocery store before, at least give me the “Fake Check Out Back”. Go eat some cookies, take a quick break, come back and tell me there was none. I know how it works.

8 - Wrap your Christmas presents in toilet paper.

7 - Honk at me in the parking lot at the mall when I stop to turn into a parking spot. Yeah, if you didn’t insist on driving Up My Asshole then you wouldn’t have had to slam on the breaks when I slowed down. It’s not my fault. Also, if I see a spot, I’m taking it. You’re not getting it if you’re behind me. These spots are too hard to find. Cruise on to the next one, Angry Red-Haired Bitch. Yeah, I saw what you looked like. I could pick you out of a line up.

6 - Make bacon with the Hanukkah morning eggs and latkes. There is no such thing as a Kosher Lumberjack Special. Don’t try to be the first to make one happen.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Diary Of An Oak Tree

Hey there again Diary. It’s me. Oak Tree.

Kind of weird I’m writing in you, considering you are comprised of my parts.

The kids were hanging on my arms again. Even hung a fucking tire off of one of my arms. Swung on the thing for hours. It seemed so damn dull, but they apparently had a blast with it. At the very end, one of them fell off and started crying. That did make me laugh a little. I know it sounds sadistic, but if you had to hold your arms out for hours upon hours while chocolate-stained fingertipped, snot-nosed kids swung around on them like crazed monkeys ripping your skin off you’d love to see one of them get hurt too. People think it’s not a big deal when you rip bark off a tree but it is! That’s my fucking skin! I’m going to need a bark graft now.

And I’m rooted into the ground so I can’t move. Another reason I’m super jealous of my brother Christmas. The luckiest Tree of them all. He’s mobile, he gets carried into nice, warm houses. He gets dressed up all pretty, with lots of vibrant colors. No one attacks him and rips pieces of him off. He is loved! He is cherished! He’s the centerpiece of a fucking holiday! And I’m something you hang a grubby tire off of. A tire that’s no longer suitable to be used for it’s one purpose. So a new purpose has been created for it. Trash swing.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Gym Enemy Number One

No, he's not Public Enemy Number One, but he is my Gym Enemy Number One. And that's saying quite a lot. I have quite a few Gym Enemies. The Grunters. The Ones Who Don't Wipe The Equipment After They Sweat All Over It. The Loud Counters. Hey man, only you need to know what rep you're at. Quit announcing it to everyone in the gym. And fuck you. No way you're at 35. Now, you're A Loud Miscounter. Which is even worse. Show off. These people described, range from pretty bad to horrible. And they're not even Gym Enemy Number One.

That title belongs to a man who shall go nameless. Mainly, because I don't know his name. For the sake of this post, I will refer to him as DB, short for Douche Bag. Because he is a giant one. Now, this guy appears to be normal at first glance. Older man, quite normal looking. Nothing about him jumps out at you. He's a blend with the crowd sort of guy. Until he speaks. My first interaction with DB went like this. My friend and I are at the gym, using the machines by the treadmills for chest and back. DB is running at a stupid-looking pace on a nearby treadmill. Really, he looks so dumb. If runs had intelligence levels, his would be so low, it wouldn't be allowed to marry in most states. His run would be appointed a care taker and would not be allowed outside when it's dark. All that aside. I don't care about his run. I just want you to know, it also looks stupid.

Now, DB gets off the treadmill for a moment and briskly walks over to the area I'm in. I'm stretching in front of one of the machines as he is heading over. I sit down on the seat of the machine and just as my cheeks touch the seat, DB asks me, "Hey, are you using this machine?" I look at him, dumbfounded. "Yes. I'm just about to." I reply. Which should go without saying. I'm fucking sitting in it, moron. You're dumber than your run. He does not respond, except with an angry sigh, and then leans on the machine next to me, and stares directly at me. I set the weight to where I want it and get settled into the seat. DB keeps staring right at me. I use the machine with the most awkward feeling, the feeling of a complete stranger staring directly at me from close range. I finish one set and look over at him to see he's still staring directly at me. "Did you want to alternate?" I ask politely. I get up as he starts towards the machine. "Yeah, it's just I have this very specific routine that I HAVE to follow, so I HAVE to use this machine." Says DB in his rude tone. First of all, no you do not HAVE to use this machine. It isn't yours either, so don't post up and watch me like I'm using your shit. Secondly, does your specific routine require you to be an asshole? Is that what your doctor told you? Anyway, I step back and let him use the machine. I meander over to where my friend is and give him a "You see this shit?" kind of a look. He nods and is holding in a laugh. He's been watching the whole time. DB cranks out the fastest, loudest reps on the lowest weight of this machine. Third! Nice fucking routine ass wad! It sucks! You put machines on the lowest settings and crank them out so fast they're basically ineffective. Sweet. Whoever told you about this routine never goes to the gym.

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Kung Fu Hangover Panda 2

The Kung Fu Hangover Panda 2. That's right. Not The Kung Fu Hangover Panda 1. But 2. This Panda, who knows astounding Kung Fu, is a master of getting you over your hangover. Still! In the sequel he is now helping others with their hangover problems. In the first installment of this FANTASTIC movie, he helped The Pope and Steven Tyler from Aerosmith get over their massive hangovers with his special brand of Kung Fu. Now, the cases he's working consist of President Obama and Snoop Dogg. They not only have to be ready for their own respective duties later in the week (Presidential Announcement and Getting High) but they also have to perform together at a huge concert in Los Angeles! I know, same exact plot as the first one, but now it's different guys! So, the Panda uses hus Kung Fu to kick and punch the hangover out of them. It's like when you know all you need to do is drop one big dump to get over this hangover, but you can't make it happen. Panda's kicks and punches are basically metaphors for those poops and......poops!

So, yeah, how's that movie sound? It's going to make plenty of money, I just want it to be as entertaining as it possibly can be.

But to do real reviews on real movies. First up..."The Hangover Part II". Watched this in theaters at a midnight showing, which is always a great way to view a movie. The whole theater smelled of booze. It was pretty awesome. I had just gotten off work so I was sober. But it doesn't matter because this movie is funny drunk or not. I'll say I do like the first one better. It seems more original and more surprising and just better, but I didn't expect them to be able to make the sequel better. The first one was just too good. With a sequel like this, I think what most people should expect is for them to see how much crazier they can get. To do all the jokes they didn't get to do in the first one. And that's exactly what they did. Same basic plot, which is great. You want the same thing to happen. And they definitely made it crazier. I won't talk too in depth about the things I saw, because I don't want to ruin it for people who haven't seen it yet. But I will say this, I saw things I have never seen before and was pretty sure I never would. Before that movie, I'd say a good 88% of the U.S. population hadn't seen a particular thing that everyone knows exists in the world. And now that number is much lower. And I love it for that too. For giving me something I never wanted but never worried about getting. An eyeful of What The Fuck?! Good stuff. Zach, Bradley and Ed are still phenomenal in it. They play those characters real well. And Ken Jeong, well what can you say. Has that guy ever been in your line of sight and not made you laugh? Parts of him may be small but his funny bone is large. It may be his largest bone in fact. Anyway, that movie was exactly what I wanted. Something that made me laugh uncontrollably and say "Oh no" over and over again. Thank you Todd Phillips! Above I have provided a link in case you would like to buy the movie. What a nice guy I am!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Wind Apocalypse

Are you ethical? I apparently that I have taken an ethics training course. And apparently I wouldn't have been without it! As someone who has recently gone full time, I have been bombarded with training courses for EVERYTHING! The most recent, ethics. They want to make sure that I act an ethical manner at my job. My job where I watch TV and movies all day long and am in no way connected to any dealings our company makes with any vendors. Nor do I help set prices for any products. Or do anything important. But still, if I'm an employee here, I should be ethical. I understand that. But here's my individual ethics training course. Be honest. OK. Don't be dishonest. OK. You're good buddy!

But instead, my ethics training course was over an hour long! What?! What a waste of time! I could have been getting so much work done. In fact, if we didn't have to worry about ethics and sexual harassment and 401k's, everyone in this company would be a lot more productive. But no, it's America. We should talk about everything at great length. And we should watch training videos from 1992 and never update them. Should John and Ted really be jacking the prices of their products as competitors? Is it unfair for them to agree to increasing prices of similar products so they can both make a profit? Yeah, no shit. Does it take you 8 minutes to lay that scenario down? I don't need to know each of their ethnic backgrounds and what pivotal moments of their lives told them that they should in fact be lightbulb manufacturers. Get to that point! And get this expositional dialogue and these plot points out of my fucking face! Are you serious? You going for best original screenplay on this ethics training video? This shit is ridiculous. Wasting my time. It can't possibly take over an hour to make sure an employee is ethical. AND I've been working here for 2 years and just went officially full time and they never bothered to make sure I was ethical before. I'm pretty sure I've figured out the appropriate way to act.

And here's the best part. I was doing this training course November 30th, at night, during a crazy wind storm. And as I got about 80% of the way done, the power to our entire building went out. And in a gigantic surrounding area, power was out. Gigantic power outage! Ahhh! No one had a flashlight but everyone had a smart phone and one guy had the flashlight app. As stupid as that thing has always sounded to me I was thankful one person got it. And helped guide me down 11 flights of stairs as we vacated the building. But what happened with my ethics training? Put on hold. Mother nature couldn't watch me suffer anymore. She said, "Steve, take a break. You'll blow your brains out if you try to finish this all in one day. Finish up tomorrow." I was thankful. I remember the training course said all progress would be saved. So, I'm set.