Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Jurassic Thor Park"

“Jurassic Thor Park” you say? Sounds like an interesting park. If it were “Jurathic Thor Park” I’d assume it had a bunch of dinosaurs sore from working out. Everything hella swoll. Every muscle. Even the most important muscle. The tongue. Hella thwoll tongue bro! What kind of weights does a dinosaur lift though? Maybe the bigger dinosaurs lift the smaller dinosaurs. However, the T-Rex probably didn’t lift anything. Those puny arms...pshhh! That guy looked like he was only into squats. He didn’t really do an overall workout. He focused only on the waist and below. If this were the case. But it isn’t. This is all ridiculous.

The much more believable movie proposal at hand is “Jurassic Thor Park”. No lisp included. This movie has an island full of dinosaurs running wild and one super buff blonde guy trying to stop them all. A very smart move. One of the few things “Jurassic Park” was missing, a blonde man. One with a sweet ass hammer. One who could make it a fair fight, between man and dinosaur. When the storm hits early on in the movie it makes it a little more advantageous for the people since the thunder and lightning is on their side now. Thor can probably channel it through whatever appendage he wants and shoot it at their scary faces! And Samuel L. Jackson will be in the movie twice! If he’s in a movie it’s a must see! If he’s in it twice.....see it before the world implodes due to it’s attempt at containing sheer awesomeness!

But to seriously review these movies...

Well, “Jurassic Park” is phenomenal. I sometimes forget how almost perfect it is. There aren’t too many movies that hit on every level like that one. It does have two follow ups that are pretty good. The second one is interesting and I can watch that and enjoy it. It has Julianne Moore and it’s one of like three movies she’s in that she’s not naked in. Weird. However, I’m not convinced there isn’t deleted scenes of her showing her boobies to a raptor. The third one...hmmm. How do I put this? I enjoy it for the fact that it has new dinosaurs I didn’t get to see in the first two. The fact that people end up on this island again, come on guys. Really? I mean, for the sake of the sequel, I get they need to end up there. But the way it happens, the fake tour, come on. But it’s got pterodactyls! And thanks to Tea Leoni pterodactyls now exist in the rest of the world. It’s all her fault! And this one has Sam Neill again. But no Jeff Goldblum who is the main character in the second one. Another reason the first one is the best. It has both guys in it. And it’s quote a minute. No one really knows any quotes from the second or third. But you get to quote Newman and Sam Jackson from the first one. “Hold onto your butts.” Because this trilogy is available! I think I’m getting all three. They do compliment each other pretty well when watched all together. But the first one looks the best in my opinion. It flows the best. It makes me laugh the most. And did you ever notice there is a real quick auto-erotica joke in it? Look for it! Interested in buying it, click the above link.

Now how about “Thor”? See that movie? That movie kicked way more ass than I was expecting. Not knowing much about Thor going into the theater I didn’t know quite what to expect. But I quickly realized I was supposed to expect excellence and boners at a constant rate. To all the straight men in the world who saw “Thor” and got boners over him (Chris Hemsworth), don’t worry. It’s been scientifically proven that it doesn’t make you gay. It just means you, and your penis, recognize AMAZING. After hearing other straight men saw him and went “Whoa”, both from the mouth and from the crotch, I felt more at ease. My sexuality was almost shaken, and I didn’t fully mind it. But that was OK. He was tearing up all types of ass in that movie! By the way, that’s a term used in a positive way. I don’t know anybody who saw that movie and didn’t like it. It looks incredible. It too is quite funny throughout. But above all, it keeps you on the edge of your seat. I felt totally sucked into the movie. Always wanting to know what would happen next. Do you know anything about the Frost Giants? They’re in it. And they are scary as hell! And they have an even scarier thing to add during a big battle that is “Shit-Your-Pants-Write-Home-To-Mom-Incredible”. I could watch that movie over and over. The worlds are amazing. Even the Frost Giants home, which looks dismal and shitty as TP, still impressive looking. But seriously, they’re planet is sadder than Detroit. And the Earthlings are a nice addition to the cast. Natalie Portman for pretty and Kat Dennings for funny. Good casting. And if during the midnight showing around 36 minutes after it started you heard a sound in the air, something you’ve never heard before, but that sounded so familiar, it was because your ears were picking up the frequency created by every nerd getting an erection at the same time when Stan Lee appeared on the screen. Who doesn’t love seeing that guy? Overall, the movie was great! I highly recommend this, and will most probably be buying it very soon. If you want to buy it click the above link.

Before I finish up here I’d like to point out some of my own vocabulary. Yes, I am fully aware of how often I say boner or erection and talk about things of this nature. I don’t want my awareness of the situation to go unnoticed. Let me tell you. It’s all in good health. The healthiest of men get boners. Sexual-Boners, Awesome-Boners, and No-Reason-Boners are the three categories I know of. The ones I spoke of in this post are mainly Awesome-Boners. Boners produced in reaction to something awesome being experienced. There’s nothing wrong with them and I will never stop talking about them. Men who can’t get boners can’t stop talking about them in the commercials in between the football games. I sure as shit am not stopping talking about them. I get them at a good and steady rate. And I most definitely get a healthy amount during the movies discussed above. I’m aware of how risky it is to wear sweatpants during one of these films. I avoid it at all costs. But I don’t avoid these movies. Steady boner popping is a good sign of a good movie. Keep that in mind everybody!

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