Monday, November 21, 2011

I'm Trapped In The Mid 90's!

This was the saddest thing ever just now. Opening up Notepad on my work computer to do a blog post. I feel like I'm writing a blog post before blogs existed. Please excuse any mid 90's joke I may accidentally make in this post. It's unavoidable with this teleportation I just committed to 1995. Even the font is sad. I had two choices. Times Old Roman and the default, which I'm pretty sure is entitled, Cave Etchings. You might currently be wondering why am I writing this blog post on my computer at work, if you can make out the crude drawings on this rock wall clearly scratched with a stick. Well, the other day I dropped my laptop and now I'm having trouble starting it back up. Before you think of asking me "By accident?" think about how stupid of a question that is. And then realize it's OK because about 3 people have already asked me that. And then know this...Yes, by accident! I'm not going to drop my laptop on purpose and then complain about it. I'm never going to drop it on purpose ever!

So, I'm doing this post at work. Waited until after hours. Left work, watched the Patriots game at my brother's nearby. Mike Avitabile (SHOUT OUT!). Came back to work, settled in at my desk computer after scaring the Sheesh! out of an employee, Julian Doan (SHOUT OUT!). And now here we go. Hopefully, I don't have to do too many of these work-posts. I'm thinking I might attend my first ever Black Friday Shopping Attack/People Trampler and get a cheap replacement. Until then, this is how I do it. It's Monday night. And I feel alright. The party's here on the west side... With that new jam from TLC on the radio, "Creep", I'm getting my write on. Just keep it on the down low. Said nobody is supposed to know.

But really what I wanted to talk about was more annoyances that slap me in the brain at the gym. Like Mouth-Breathers. The intense ones. The ones that get even worse when exercising. Have you ever been stuck next to one of them on a bike or treadmill or anything? I was biking next to one guy who was a Violent-Mouth-Breather. A couple of them sounded like Sex Moans. And they followed no rhythm which was what was throwing me off the most. Usually it's...Whoo!...Whoo!...Whoo!...Whoo!...and so on. Here was this guy...Whoo!..............Whoo!...whoo.........whoo.....WHOO!............Whoo....whoo.........WHOO!!!! Whoa buddy! Get off the bike, that's no place for your baby to be born. Seriously, I thought he might have been in labor. And he just eaten a disgusting smelling candy. And that stank was blowing all up in my area.

Solution: Started facing the other way. Luckily on the other side I had another guy to race on exercise bike. I felt like the man for awhile as I did what I always do when I have fellow Exercise-Bikers, I pretended we were racing on the same exact course! So, here we are, riding along, and then we approach a steep hill. I power through it like a champ, doesn't even effect the speed of my pedaling at all. Mainly because I have left the resistance on Level 8 and not changed it. This guy looks like he's trying to move boulders with his feet. His legs are turning so slowly! I'm killing him! We're going up the same hill (Naturally) and I'm pedalling so much faster! I feel real good about myself until I look over and realize his resistance is set to Level 30. Show off! I'm turning back to Baby-Birthing-Halitosis-Face. At least I'm beating him for real. I think he has entered yet another putrid smelling candy into his foul mouth. Has nobody told this guy eating candy while exercising is like...I don't know...a bad idea? I face forward and watch the news with no audio and no captions for the remainder of the ride.

Oh and have you ever seen those exercise bikes with the screens built into them? They have a few of them. As you ride on it the screen gives you the sensation that you are riding through the countryside or alongside the Grand Canyon, or in some sort of setting. It moves as you pedal and you have some really cool stuff to look at. I tried it out. Looked fantastic! Except I'm a moron, barely functional I suppose, and selected Training Mode. How did this happen?! Guess what I get to look at the ENTIRE TIME!? A guy, on an exercise bike, facing me, pedalling. For 15 minutes! Are you serious?! Apparently, you can also plug headphones in and listen to him coach you the whole way through. Which I do not have. No, I only have the silent video of some random dude in tiny, slightly revealing shorts, pedalling right at me! Ahhh! Are we going to crash?! And do you really wear those on the bike every time dude?! It looked like a tiny trashbag filled with lots of eggs.

Now, I only get on the exercise bikes when nobody else is on them. No more competition for me. And no more attempts at riding through the Grand Canyon. I only got to ride towards some man's smaller canyon. Not the best motivation to ride towards a man. Probably good motivation to ride away. Maybe if they had put that screen behind me for me to keep looking over my shoulder at, I'd pedal away faster. There's an idea. Anybody patent that idea yet? Too late, I'm doing that right now. Yeah, on my work computer. And then I'm going to the movie theater across the street to watch the brand new movie "Dead Presidents" with Larenz Tate, the "It" Guy right now. (SHOUT OUT!). However, I was 8 when this movie came out, so I need to be sneaky getting in there. Can't just walk right in. So, I CREEP! Yeah!

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