I had a great Thanksgiving as always and I hope everybody else did too. The sign of a great holiday varies depending on the holiday. Christmas - Did you get everything you wanted from other people? Yes. Good holiday. GREED. Valentine's Day - Did you get to spend every minute with the person you love? Yes. Good holiday. LUST. Thanksgiving - Did you eat so much that you gained more weight than a pregnant woman? Yes. Good holiday. GLUTTONY.
I'm not saying the holidays are our deadly sins, I'm just...well OK I sort of am. And I'm no cynic when it comes to the holidays. I absolutely love holidays. I'm quite the cheery guy. I'm all for making the Jewish Scrooge change his religion to another so he can appreciate the more popular holiday and then we can accept him. He was Jewish, right? And that was why he didn't celebrate Christmas? But everyone was too ignorant and saw his eight candles as a sign of aggression? Wasn't that it? OK, bad example. Better example. I love Christmas shopping and I love how the day after Thanksgiving you instantly hear Christmas music everywhere! And now it's time to start watching "Home Alone" every night before bed to get the good feeling in my heart. But man, do we become disgusting pigs during the holidays sometimes. And so gluttonous during Thanksgiving.
I've had 3 Thanksgivings where I had a weight gaining contest with my brothers. We already know we gain a lot of weight in the ONE MEAL, why not try to be the fattest and gain the most and make it a competition. Because we're American. We compete over everything and we eat a shit ton. After this past Thanksgiving I was hoping I didn't gain too much weight in fear some of it might not come off directly. I've been trying to lose weight. I don't want to undo all my hard work as of recently. But if anybody would be accepting of me gaining lots of weight while trying to diet at any point, it would be during Thanksgiving time. "Steve, you put on 5 pounds in the past 3 days? I thought you were trying to lose weight! Unnacceptable!" "Yeah, but it was just Thanksgiving. There were 3 different types of mashed potatoes, everybody in attendance made a pie out of a different fruit, and I had never tasted 5 of the fruits. I had to try them all. I didn't stand a chance." "Oh, well that's not your fault. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Control yourself?"
This should not be tolerated. I should still be scolded. Not that I gained that much weight, this year. But still, we can control ourselves. We are human. And you know this a gluttonous holiday when you list off the things you are eating. For one, you do not have only one dessert. You probably have at least 3 choices. You might even have up to 8 choices. And you probably don't pick just one. One of the things you eat during dinner just has the word "stuff" in it. Stuffing. This is something you put in something else that you eat, and you are eating it. What a weird concept. I love stuffing but every time I eat it I can't help but think in the eyes of all the other foods, the stuffing is the trash bags. It's the garbage of the group. You're eating something that's just "stuff". Would you eat something that's just "things"? Thingwich? Would you eat something called a Thingwich. Some of you are answering yes. Some no, but there is someone breathing heavily over your shoulder considering the opposite. And wondering if KFC makes it and do they put bacon on it? A very popular meal in America is chicken. A moderate sized bird for dinner. For Thanksgiving we make sure to get something just like chicken, since we love chicken, but it has to be the enormous cousin to the chicken. Hey get something like a chicken for dinner, but make sure it's a bathousand times bigger! And then take a brown fatty almost-liquid and put it all over everything!
I'm trying to describe this all in the least appetizing way but I'm getting hungry while writing this. And I'm literally eating as I write this. Ridiculous. It's OK because I know I'm not the only one. A lot of people are like this. And it's OK since it's just once a year. Well, we kind of do it on Christmas too. But Christmas is like the Ultimate Holiday. You got to go all out. Either another turkey or a ham. Yeah, that's OK. Just twice. Well, then there's Easter which is somehow linked up with Christmas and you know Jesus would want us to eat a ham on that day too. Oh and we skipped past St. Patrick's Day. Doesn't matter if you're Irish or not, wear green and eat corned beef. We haven't thrown that meat into a holiday yet. It's the only time a year I eat anything corned so it's OK! And New Year's Eve...well to be healthy we'll just drink our dinner that night. And really, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to change the tradition. I like them the way they are. I'm not starting a revolution. I just want to point this all out so if some day, maybe when I pass, if there is a God or some superior being, and he's this really thin Vegan, and it's being decided who goes where in their afterlife, I can kind of just say, "Hey, I know I ate like a pig all those holidays, but I did point out to a lot of people that it was too much. Just saying. I think it's worth looking over along with the rest of the stuff in my file. Oh and that part about when I was in second grade and I kicked sand in that kid's eyes while he was on the ground it was a really complicated situation. The older kids were picking on him and they knocked him on the ground and told me it'd be cool if I did something too and I didn't want to hurt him so I just did that. I know it was still bad but I spared the kid another injury and I never turned out to be cool even though the older kids promised I would be and only I got in trouble for the whole fiasco so if you think about it, I was sort of the victim there. Also, the kid on the ground is really successful now and definitely got the better end of the stick. Just another good thing to point out. And I knew all the eating was bad. That's all. I've plead my case." I think I just got to work on my closing argument and I'm set.