Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love

“Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love”. Hmmm, that’s an interesting title. Wonder what this movie is about. I’ll take a stab at it. “Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love” stars Steve Carell as a man, Cal Weaver, in his forties, going through a divorce. He is a responsible man who has no idea what the dating scene is like. He runs into Hal Jordan, played by Ryan Reynolds, who shows him the way of dating, and fighting crime, both human form and dirty, smog, cloud with a face, form. The two decide to merge together to become one being so that they may possess each of their best qualities within one body. Cal Jordan is born. He shoots green and he’s frugal with his green. He’s a responsible adult but don’t think he won’t slay you with a green sword if you mess with him or call him names. His mission, stop the world from being destroyed, and make his ex-wife jealous. Oh yeah and Ryan Gosling is in it. “Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds?!” you’re exclaiming. I know what you’re thinking. How do they decide which one is the guy they turn to when they need the “Gratuitous-Ripped-Guy-With-His-Shirt-Off” Scene? They’re both go-to guys, but they’ve never been in a movie together before. That’s why this movie is so amazing ladies, they both take their shirts off. And for seemingly no reason. Guys, Blake Lively takes her shirt off in this movie too. So, we got something for everybody. This movie has no possible way of failing.

But seriously, to review these movies for a moment.

“Green Lantern” does star Ryan Reynolds and he does have a scene or two with his shirt off. I’m pretty sure there’s even an underwear scene. Ooh ooh! I know ladies. You love it. It’s impossible for them to put him in a movie where his shirt is on throughout the whole thing. It just won’t happen. He’s the Matthew McConaughey of today. And guys it does star Blake Lively. Clothed, but she’s pretty so get over it horndogs. And she FINALLY isn’t talking about the upper west side of New York and all the dramatic bullshit that is supposedly going on. So she’s watchable for once. I heard a lot of bad things about this movie before I saw it but I have to say I didn’t find it to be a bad movie. I’m not sure if I was trying to prove people wrong while watching it, as I had a hard time believing it was going to be as bad as everyone said it would be, but I genuinely thought it was decent. I’m not saying it was fantastic. A lot of people seemed pissed that the entire suit was CG and not one part of it was real but after watching some bonus features I found out that the suit is entirely comprised of energy. Must have missed that part in the movie and wasn’t a huge Green Lantern fan before so I had no idea bout that. But they purposely made it CG because the suit isn’t fabric or anything that really exists in our world. So, it’s supposed to look different on him, and super tight and snug to his body. So, I disagree with most people on that one, I think it was smart on their part. If any part of it was fabric you could tell and then that wouldn’t make much sense...I don’t think anyway. I also thought they did a good job explaining the whole background of Green Lantern which I knew next to nothing about. The movie had it’s “Cliche Superhero Movie” Moments but I thought it was decent. Good action. And if you’ve ever felt in your life that you haven’t heard Peter Sarsgaard scream like a bitch enough times, this movie is perfect for you to watch. He seriously, never quits. That gets a little annoying. I get he’s going through pain and his head swells up like a watermelon but he does say once that he’s “Never felt better in his life” so what’s with all the screaming, Scientist? All in all the movie was pretty good. I wasn’t totally enthralled. Like with “Inception”, for instance, I forgot I was watching a movie. Free blowjobs outside the theater from Dr. Von Sex’s perfected pleasure machine couldn’t have pulled me away from that movie. I feel like if I heard Twinkies were half off outside the theater while watching “Green Lantern” I would have run out to buy one. And I’m not a Twinky man. I’m just a bargain shopper. It didn’t pull me in too much, not at least until about halfway through. Anyway, I give it a “Pretty Good” rating. Which is, in technological terms, a pretty good rating. Click above image if you wish to purchase.

How about “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”? That movie was incredible. I was sucked into that movie from the start. There were so many moments I caught myself saying, “Oh man!” Or “No way!”. I couldn’t help it. Surprise after surprise and really good advancements in the plot. I love how things come together in that movie. It’s really well thought out. I feel like the only way to draw out the arcs of that movie would be too draw them like a spiderweb. It’s really funny. Steve Carell was exactly as I imagined he’d be. Awesome! He almost seemed like his character in “The 40 Year Old Virgin” if instead his character had been with one woman since a very early age. A lot of the same traits were there. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing. I loved that. I love that character. Ryan Gosling is great too. I didn’t know if he could be funny, like the level of funny he should be for this type of movie, but he totally was. The rest of the cast was great too, even the kids. And Kevin Bacon was in it! I didn’t even know that! The Bacon! You serious?! You got to see a movie if it has him! That’s like...a rule of being American. Or human even. Oh and ladies, you see Ryan Gosling with his shirt off many times. Don’t worry. As a straight man I even have to say, wow. If I had to turn for a dude, well he’d probably make my top 10. Not that I consider who’s on that list ever. I mean...often. I haven’t this week anyway. But yeah, I recommend this movie to everyone. And not just for Mr. Ryan Avitabile. Oops! Did I really just say that? I meant Gosling. No, this movie was very smart, very funny, and a break from too much monotonous, tired humor that tends to be out there in the theaters sometimes. Loved it. Watch it if you haven’t yet. I’m certain I’ll buy this movie. If it doesn’t get bought for me in the near future. (Gift Hint!) Oh and I almost forgot, there’s a little “Dirty Dancing” moment in there...yes for you ladies. I know I keep singling your demographic out, but you are half of us Earthlings...roughly. But I thought this was a very smart joke. Almost along the lines of what I always say about women and the movie “Dirty Dancing”. But way better and smarter than what my mouth has ever put together. Click above image if you wish to purchase.

So, there is no “Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love”. I’m sorry if I got your hopes up. But those two movies exist separately. Maybe some day when I get enough money I’ll make a sort of mash-up of those two movies. Like some sort of accomplished DJ/Director. We’ll see. Until then enjoy real movies.


  1. The only thing this post is missing is the picture of Mike and Chad doing the Dirty Dancing lift in the pool.

    I liked Crazy, Stupid, Love too. It showed that love is imperfect.

  2. Ah damn. I should have thought to include that picture.
    Yeah! And it's finally out! I'm going to buy it soon.

  3. Not yet. I'm waiting until after the holidays just in case. Did you? Haha