Saturday, November 26, 2011

Holiday Gluttons

I had a great Thanksgiving as always and I hope everybody else did too. The sign of a great holiday varies depending on the holiday. Christmas - Did you get everything you wanted from other people? Yes. Good holiday. GREED. Valentine's Day - Did you get to spend every minute with the person you love? Yes. Good holiday. LUST. Thanksgiving - Did you eat so much that you gained more weight than a pregnant woman? Yes. Good holiday. GLUTTONY.

I'm not saying the holidays are our deadly sins, I'm just...well OK I sort of am. And I'm no cynic when it comes to the holidays. I absolutely love holidays. I'm quite the cheery guy. I'm all for making the Jewish Scrooge change his religion to another so he can appreciate the more popular holiday and then we can accept him. He was Jewish, right? And that was why he didn't celebrate Christmas? But everyone was too ignorant and saw his eight candles as a sign of aggression? Wasn't that it? OK, bad example. Better example. I love Christmas shopping and I love how the day after Thanksgiving you instantly hear Christmas music everywhere! And now it's time to start watching "Home Alone" every night before bed to get the good feeling in my heart. But man, do we become disgusting pigs during the holidays sometimes. And so gluttonous during Thanksgiving.

I've had 3 Thanksgivings where I had a weight gaining contest with my brothers. We already know we gain a lot of weight in the ONE MEAL, why not try to be the fattest and gain the most and make it a competition. Because we're American. We compete over everything and we eat a shit ton. After this past Thanksgiving I was hoping I didn't gain too much weight in fear some of it might not come off directly. I've been trying to lose weight. I don't want to undo all my hard work as of recently. But if anybody would be accepting of me gaining lots of weight while trying to diet at any point, it would be during Thanksgiving time. "Steve, you put on 5 pounds in the past 3 days? I thought you were trying to lose weight! Unnacceptable!" "Yeah, but it was just Thanksgiving. There were 3 different types of mashed potatoes, everybody in attendance made a pie out of a different fruit, and I had never tasted 5 of the fruits. I had to try them all. I didn't stand a chance." "Oh, well that's not your fault. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Control yourself?"

Monday, November 21, 2011

I'm Trapped In The Mid 90's!

This was the saddest thing ever just now. Opening up Notepad on my work computer to do a blog post. I feel like I'm writing a blog post before blogs existed. Please excuse any mid 90's joke I may accidentally make in this post. It's unavoidable with this teleportation I just committed to 1995. Even the font is sad. I had two choices. Times Old Roman and the default, which I'm pretty sure is entitled, Cave Etchings. You might currently be wondering why am I writing this blog post on my computer at work, if you can make out the crude drawings on this rock wall clearly scratched with a stick. Well, the other day I dropped my laptop and now I'm having trouble starting it back up. Before you think of asking me "By accident?" think about how stupid of a question that is. And then realize it's OK because about 3 people have already asked me that. And then know this...Yes, by accident! I'm not going to drop my laptop on purpose and then complain about it. I'm never going to drop it on purpose ever!

So, I'm doing this post at work. Waited until after hours. Left work, watched the Patriots game at my brother's nearby. Mike Avitabile (SHOUT OUT!). Came back to work, settled in at my desk computer after scaring the Sheesh! out of an employee, Julian Doan (SHOUT OUT!). And now here we go. Hopefully, I don't have to do too many of these work-posts. I'm thinking I might attend my first ever Black Friday Shopping Attack/People Trampler and get a cheap replacement. Until then, this is how I do it. It's Monday night. And I feel alright. The party's here on the west side... With that new jam from TLC on the radio, "Creep", I'm getting my write on. Just keep it on the down low. Said nobody is supposed to know.

But really what I wanted to talk about was more annoyances that slap me in the brain at the gym. Like Mouth-Breathers. The intense ones. The ones that get even worse when exercising. Have you ever been stuck next to one of them on a bike or treadmill or anything? I was biking next to one guy who was a Violent-Mouth-Breather. A couple of them sounded like Sex Moans. And they followed no rhythm which was what was throwing me off the most. Usually it's...Whoo!...Whoo!...Whoo!...Whoo!...and so on. Here was this guy...Whoo!..............Whoo!...whoo.........whoo.....WHOO!............Whoo....whoo.........WHOO!!!! Whoa buddy! Get off the bike, that's no place for your baby to be born. Seriously, I thought he might have been in labor. And he just eaten a disgusting smelling candy. And that stank was blowing all up in my area.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Jurassic Thor Park"

“Jurassic Thor Park” you say? Sounds like an interesting park. If it were “Jurathic Thor Park” I’d assume it had a bunch of dinosaurs sore from working out. Everything hella swoll. Every muscle. Even the most important muscle. The tongue. Hella thwoll tongue bro! What kind of weights does a dinosaur lift though? Maybe the bigger dinosaurs lift the smaller dinosaurs. However, the T-Rex probably didn’t lift anything. Those puny arms...pshhh! That guy looked like he was only into squats. He didn’t really do an overall workout. He focused only on the waist and below. If this were the case. But it isn’t. This is all ridiculous.

The much more believable movie proposal at hand is “Jurassic Thor Park”. No lisp included. This movie has an island full of dinosaurs running wild and one super buff blonde guy trying to stop them all. A very smart move. One of the few things “Jurassic Park” was missing, a blonde man. One with a sweet ass hammer. One who could make it a fair fight, between man and dinosaur. When the storm hits early on in the movie it makes it a little more advantageous for the people since the thunder and lightning is on their side now. Thor can probably channel it through whatever appendage he wants and shoot it at their scary faces! And Samuel L. Jackson will be in the movie twice! If he’s in a movie it’s a must see! If he’s in it twice.....see it before the world implodes due to it’s attempt at containing sheer awesomeness!

But to seriously review these movies...

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Extendable Fork

Ever been trying to eat something far away? And it’s proving to be quite difficult? Did you know that they make something to help your lazy ass? Extendable forks. Yes, they look like regular forks at first glance, but then a keen eye would notice that this fork can extend to a great length. No longer are you limited to what’s on your plate...but now the world is your plate! And other plates may as well be your plate!

Above is a link to this heaven-sent product. Pretty good deal I think. I actually bought one for my Dad as a birthday present. He always loved eating off of my plate during dinner. It was a big joke in our house. He used to put ketchup on my plate to dip his fries into. Saved room on his plate for more fries, I guess. But it was just something he always did. The person next to him at dinner was screwed if they planned on eating everything on their plate. So, I thought he’d like to be able to eat off everyone’s plate at the dinner table. So, I got him the best gift ever. But then it got me thinking...there must be a use for this extendable fork for more people than just my Dad. Who else would find a use for this lengthy tool?

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Shit Ton Of Apples

You may or may not have seen one of my previous posts, Batman's Shopping List, but it was essentially a made-up shopping list I created and decided to leave at a store somewhere in hopes someone would find it and think it was real. It had all ridiculous stuff on it, mainly that only Batman would need to buy, along with regular food items. It’s something I do often. Leave my shopping lists around town, but only after changing them slightly to make them HILARIOUS. Or at least a little funny.

I have since created a page on Facebook (which has a plethora of Likers) called Dick Medicine, in which I post pictures of lists I leave around in stores. Some with the classic “Dick Medicine” addition. Anyway, I hadn’t done one in awhile. Had to go to the store the other was my list...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love

“Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love”. Hmmm, that’s an interesting title. Wonder what this movie is about. I’ll take a stab at it. “Crazy, Stupid, Green Lantern, Love” stars Steve Carell as a man, Cal Weaver, in his forties, going through a divorce. He is a responsible man who has no idea what the dating scene is like. He runs into Hal Jordan, played by Ryan Reynolds, who shows him the way of dating, and fighting crime, both human form and dirty, smog, cloud with a face, form. The two decide to merge together to become one being so that they may possess each of their best qualities within one body. Cal Jordan is born. He shoots green and he’s frugal with his green. He’s a responsible adult but don’t think he won’t slay you with a green sword if you mess with him or call him names. His mission, stop the world from being destroyed, and make his ex-wife jealous. Oh yeah and Ryan Gosling is in it. “Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds?!” you’re exclaiming. I know what you’re thinking. How do they decide which one is the guy they turn to when they need the “Gratuitous-Ripped-Guy-With-His-Shirt-Off” Scene? They’re both go-to guys, but they’ve never been in a movie together before. That’s why this movie is so amazing ladies, they both take their shirts off. And for seemingly no reason. Guys, Blake Lively takes her shirt off in this movie too. So, we got something for everybody. This movie has no possible way of failing.

But seriously, to review these movies for a moment.

“Green Lantern” does star Ryan Reynolds and he does have a scene or two with his shirt off. I’m pretty sure there’s even an underwear scene. Ooh ooh! I know ladies. You love it. It’s impossible for them to put him in a movie where his shirt is on throughout the whole thing. It just won’t happen. He’s the Matthew McConaughey of today. And guys it does star Blake Lively. Clothed, but she’s pretty so get over it horndogs. And she FINALLY isn’t talking about the upper west side of New York and all the dramatic bullshit that is supposedly going on. So she’s watchable for once. I heard a lot of bad things about this movie before I saw it but I have to say I didn’t find it to be a bad movie. I’m not sure if I was trying to prove people wrong while watching it, as I had a hard time believing it was going to be as bad as everyone said it would be, but I genuinely thought it was decent. I’m not saying it was fantastic. A lot of people seemed pissed that the entire suit was CG and not one part of it was real but after watching some bonus features I found out that the suit is entirely comprised of energy. Must have missed that part in the movie and wasn’t a huge Green Lantern fan before so I had no idea bout that. But they purposely made it CG because the suit isn’t fabric or anything that really exists in our world. So, it’s supposed to look different on him, and super tight and snug to his body. So, I disagree with most people on that one, I think it was smart on their part. If any part of it was fabric you could tell and then that wouldn’t make much sense...I don’t think anyway. I also thought they did a good job explaining the whole background of Green Lantern which I knew next to nothing about. The movie had it’s “Cliche Superhero Movie” Moments but I thought it was decent. Good action. And if you’ve ever felt in your life that you haven’t heard Peter Sarsgaard scream like a bitch enough times, this movie is perfect for you to watch. He seriously, never quits. That gets a little annoying. I get he’s going through pain and his head swells up like a watermelon but he does say once that he’s “Never felt better in his life” so what’s with all the screaming, Scientist? All in all the movie was pretty good. I wasn’t totally enthralled. Like with “Inception”, for instance, I forgot I was watching a movie. Free blowjobs outside the theater from Dr. Von Sex’s perfected pleasure machine couldn’t have pulled me away from that movie. I feel like if I heard Twinkies were half off outside the theater while watching “Green Lantern” I would have run out to buy one. And I’m not a Twinky man. I’m just a bargain shopper. It didn’t pull me in too much, not at least until about halfway through. Anyway, I give it a “Pretty Good” rating. Which is, in technological terms, a pretty good rating. Click above image if you wish to purchase.