Monday, October 10, 2011

Stephen Avitabile: A Football Life

Stephen Avitabile grew up in the town of Merrimack, New Hampshire. Thus, making him a New England Patriots fan. What luck being born in such a great sports region. This also, by default, made him hate teams such as the Jets and the Dolphins and come Superbowl XLII, the Giants. Anybody on that winning Giants team, i.e. Eli Manning, you guessed it...also on Steve’s shit list.

How can you like Eli Manning anyway? The lesser Manning. He’s a whiner. Watch after he throws an interception or an incompletion on a critical play, his face instantly turns into that of a baby’s who was denied dessert. Watch any of his commercials compared to Peyton’s. Peyton never has to hold a football throughout his entire commercial, but Eli always does. It’s because he has Ricky Bobby Syndrome. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. They just float about in a way more awkward looking than his face. So, that’s why they stick a football in his hands. “Here, hold this Eli. And don’t let go. Try not to look like a dumbass during this take.”

And how about that face of his? Does he look like Peyton? Or does he look like if you took Michael Phelps and pushed his eyes to the far sides of his cranium? Or maybe, my favorite comparison, does he just look like a hammerhead shark? Those eyes are so far apart, always looking the wrong ways. Sure he has great Quarterback vision, for the sidelines. He can see down both sides of the field simultaneously due to his freakish facial mutation. Yet, he can’t see directly in front of his own face, just like a hammerhead shark. Let’s take a look at two pictures.

Now, you tell me which one of those is a hammerhead shark and which one is Eli Manning. You can’t tell, can you? It’s too tough to figure out. The only clue is what surroundings they are in. Ocean...probably the shark. Football field...most likely Eli. But when I remove the background you can’t tell.

At this point, you might be wondering, “Why all the focus on Eli Manning if this is a football life about Stephen Avitabile? I thought he hated this guy.” And you’re right. He does hate that guy. And it’s OK to hate people in the NFL. It makes the games that much more exciting. Creates for great rivalries. And you often hate people due to the fact that they are very good and play for a team that is not your own. And maybe because of how shitty their commercials are. So, when Stephen Avitabile entered into a pool where each week he has to pick a team to win, he took note of how the Giants were playing. He puts hatred aside, and looks just at team performance. There is money involved in this pool and he wants it. So, by the time Week 5 rolled around, Stephen was confident the Giants would be able to beat the Seahawks at home. And by a lot. So, he picked them.

The one game he wanted Eli Manning to win. But Eli decided to be a dumbass. He threw a couple of bad passes to Victor Cruz and Cruz managed to haul them in with his extreme talent. Eli saw this as a sign to be able to throw any kind of pass to Cruz and Cruz would catch it. “Why don’t I be like Brett Favre the Gunslinger and throw stupid ass passes all over my home field?” He thought. Yeah, and then when you needed a touchdown, you threw a pass way out of Cruz’s reach. Cruz did his best to one-hand catch it and it bounced off his hand and into a defensive back’s hand who then ran it ALL THE WAY TO THE ENDZONE! And why wasn’t he tackled you ask? Because the guy who was closest to the opposite endzone (Eli) probably sat down and cried after that happened, and ignored his new responsibility to chase down and tackle.

Maybe this isn’t the way sports commentators or analysts talk about games. But guess what. I’m neither of those things. I’m a Pats fan. And an Eli Hater. Although, now I more than hate Eli. My new mission is to find out which word means worse than hate. Which word represents the highest amount of dislike you could possess about an individual. Learn that word. And use it often when speaking of the lesser Manning. And yes I know I broke my third person narrative on the last paragraph. I just can’t help it. I get so worked up thinking about this loser who single-handedly got me knocked out of my pool. I’ll never trust you for anything ever again Eli. Should have gone with Brady!


  1. The Mannings SUCK! There's my 2 cents :-)

  2. Haha. A strong 2 cents at that. I don't have much of a problem with Peyton. His commercials are good and he's not a baby. It's the other one.....