Friday, October 28, 2011

"Why Did I Just Do That?" Moments

Have you ever had a moment where you said to yourself, “Why did I just do that?” I have them all the time. It’s the moment where the main part of your brain that makes rational decisions stops working and let’s some other undiscovered part of the brain take control. It makes choices at random. And after you have performed them, you wonder, “Why did I just do that?” Moments such as this may occur...

I’m at line in Starbuck’s. Surprised already, I know. The lady in front of me orders her drink and steps off to the side and is talking about something else with one of the employees. She wants to write something down but has no pen. “Does anybody have a pen?” Let me tell you something about me, real quick. I might have slight OCD or some other disorder where I have a particular way of doing things. I always have two pens on me. And they are always in my left front pocket...along with the chap stick. I have designated pockets for everything I always carry with me. My first thought is, well I have a pen on me. I have two. I always have two. What I’m forgetting is this is an early morning run to Starbuck’s, the one down the street from my place. I quickly threw on sweat shorts (pocketless) and a shirt to get a coffee. I am holding my phone and wallet as those were the only things it seemed I needed for this quick run for coffee. I should be aware I am holding my belongings. If that isn’t enough, before I offer up one of my pens I even do the pocket check. Slap the side of my leg where my pocket is to make sure I feel the object through my pants. After checking and feeling NOTHING I still decide to say, “I have a pen you can borrow.” The lady is thankful, walks all the way back over to me from her spot, ready to accept the pen. I go to reach into my pocket and there is no pocket. “Oh whoops. I forgot I don’t have a pen on me.” Wow, who sounds like a moron? Or like they’re fucking with a stranger? This asshole right here. The lady responds very sarcastically, “Wow! Thanks a lot!” And walks away. Why did I just do that?

Or how about every time I am leaving a store on a nice day and the employee behind the register says something like, “Man, it is such a nice day out. I wish I wasn’t stuck in here all day. Well, enjoy the sun.” And then I say, “You too.” He just told me he won’t be able to enjoy the sun. Why did I just do that?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dairy Free Whipped Cream

I try not to be too critical of people and their choices but sometimes they’re just asking for it. The other day I’m at line in Starbuck’s. I feel like I have had a few blog posts starting in this same scenario. And usually results in some idiocy occurring. What is it with lines at coffee places? The morons just breed there. And showcase their idiocracy.

Anyway, I’m behind a woman in line. She orders her coffee. Then, the barista asks her if she wants whipped cream on her drink. She goes on to ask if the whipped cream is dairy free. This annoyed me slightly, but wasn’t the most annoying part. However, dairy free whipped cream? What is that? Whipped...soy? Whatever it is...if it even exists...cannot be good. I imagine packing peanuts blended to a fine fluffy powder and crammed into an aerosol can. There you have it. Dairy free whipped cream. Though cream is pure dairy so I think you would just call it dairy free whipped.

Second, why are you asking if they have dairy free whipped cream? They most probably do not. It’s just a Starbuck’s. They’re only going to have one type of whipped cream I’m sure. Also, the type of person who asks if the whipped cream is dairy free once, strikes me as the type of person who asks it all the time. And in this day and age I would hope those people often get responded to with a “No”. Which makes me wonder why they’re still asking.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Pumpkin Spice Latte

The following blog post was basically a result of being too many characters to fit in a single tweet and too few words to be my next great Non-Fiction Novel.

Here’s a tip for you if you want to experience awesomeness. Go to a Starbuck’s and get a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Or...

Melt a warm pumpkin pie fresh from the oven down to liquid and drink the concoction while Mila Kunis simultaneously gives you genital pleasures. Same thing.

Or...

Monday, October 17, 2011

Israel Appreciation Day

Recently I was checking the stats on my blog and one random day I had 106 page views from the country of Israel! In one day! That’s an insane amount. Considering I had only had one page view from Israel in the entire time I had my blog. And on average I have 35 page views total per day. I was quite fixated on this amount. What did I do differently that sparked this interest from this parliamentary republic in the Middle East? Oh I did my research. You got to when you realize you have an extended fan base (or a bunch of people unfortunately stumbling upon your blog randomly).

Did I recently have some posts about Judaism? Not so. Am I often confused as someone who follows Judaism? Yes this is true. Maybe they picked up on this. However, I don’t follow Judaism. I don’t dismiss it, I just haven’t been reeled in yet. I haven’t been reeled in by anything yet really. Religions, sciences, none of them have hooked me yet. Maybe they picked up on this and realized that space on my personal profile is still open. Maybe this is Israel’s big plan to recruit more followers. Find the young bloggers on the internet that are trying to make it as a funny man. Show them the light of Judaism. Show them the pamphlets. “Check out all these successful funny people. Notice a trend? A pattern? Notice the religion most of them follow? Are you enticed yet?” I’ll tell you what Israel, despite the fact that pamphlet was made cheaply at Kinko’s, I AM enticed!

Is this really going to help me out with my career? What’s the trick? Is there a certificate I get? Something to add to my resume? I bet applying for a writing job helps when under special skills on my resume I’m allowed to list, “Being Jewish”. I heard that’s the equivalent to a pretty girl blowing a director. Automatic minimum three line part in a blockbuster movie. Maybe Judaism could be my sex favor. Now, I don’t want the true, current followers of Judaism to be offended by this. I am going to research the religion thoroughly before I decide to sign on with you all. I’m not making a rash decision here. So, let’s take a look at some things...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Waiterphants

A friend of mine recently read my post “Elewaiters”. He said that by the name he expected it to be about Elephant Waiters. I can see where he got that from. It can be a little misleading. “Elewaiters” however is about people who wait too close for the elevator. I have dubbed them elewaiters. But I started thinking about Elephant Waiters. Just him mentioning that sparked a whole train of thoughts in my head. So, that’s why I decided to do this post on Waiterphants. Waiters that are elephants.

As you can see above we have a Waiterphant. He is reviewing his notes in his notebook so that he knows where each dish goes. Here’s the thing, he doesn’t even have to do that. Because an elephant never forgets. Becoming a waiter is such an obvious career choice for an elephant. Remembering orders, no problem he says! He just writes them down to make the customers feel satisfied. There’s nothing more aggravating than a waiter who doesn’t write down the order and then when you ask him about it he says, “Don’t worry. Got a great memory.” Then, not only is the dressing not on the side of my salad, but my steak is a chicken. You done fucked up fool! Waiterphants never forget and they’re courteous enough to write the order down to ease our minds.

Here’s the next best thing. They can carry out so many more plates than Waitermans (Waiters that are humans...catchy little name I thought of). They just the balance the plates on their extremely long trunk like some sort of circus act. Now, they walk out to the dining room with their hands free for high-fiving and sign language and can still carry multiple plates at once! Amazing!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Stephen Avitabile: A Football Life

Stephen Avitabile grew up in the town of Merrimack, New Hampshire. Thus, making him a New England Patriots fan. What luck being born in such a great sports region. This also, by default, made him hate teams such as the Jets and the Dolphins and come Superbowl XLII, the Giants. Anybody on that winning Giants team, i.e. Eli Manning, you guessed it...also on Steve’s shit list.

How can you like Eli Manning anyway? The lesser Manning. He’s a whiner. Watch after he throws an interception or an incompletion on a critical play, his face instantly turns into that of a baby’s who was denied dessert. Watch any of his commercials compared to Peyton’s. Peyton never has to hold a football throughout his entire commercial, but Eli always does. It’s because he has Ricky Bobby Syndrome. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. They just float about in a way more awkward looking than his face. So, that’s why they stick a football in his hands. “Here, hold this Eli. And don’t let go. Try not to look like a dumbass during this take.”

And how about that face of his? Does he look like Peyton? Or does he look like if you took Michael Phelps and pushed his eyes to the far sides of his cranium? Or maybe, my favorite comparison, does he just look like a hammerhead shark? Those eyes are so far apart, always looking the wrong ways. Sure he has great Quarterback vision, for the sidelines. He can see down both sides of the field simultaneously due to his freakish facial mutation. Yet, he can’t see directly in front of his own face, just like a hammerhead shark. Let’s take a look at two pictures.

Now, you tell me which one of those is a hammerhead shark and which one is Eli Manning. You can’t tell, can you? It’s too tough to figure out. The only clue is what surroundings they are in. Ocean...probably the shark. Football field...most likely Eli. But when I remove the background you can’t tell.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shady Web Sites

I got myself a beef with a specific networking site! I’m probably going to be saying some mean things, so to avoid getting charged with slander, I won’t use the site’s name. I’ll tell you it isn’t called Attachedinto and it isn’t called Snappedon. It is a site that is supposed to be used for networking, on the work tip. And it is available for free use. However, if you want to send someone a message, Oh! Now, you got to pay a flat rate for the month. 25 bucks! But don’t worry, it’s just the one time. Or so you think.

Yeah, turns out I was paying that 25 dollar flat rate for each month, even though I only wanted it for one month. Jerks! Being all sneaky and dirty about it. There was the option of paying monthly, and the option of paying for one month. Apparently you pay for one month...every month. Assholes. That’s a dirty trick. And here’s the worst part. I wanted to send one message to someone inquiring about a job opportunity. One message! With the lousy pachage I purchased for a low low price of 25 bucks and then some I received some benefits, like three messages I was allowed to send out. Three?! I know networking sites that allow me to send free unlimited messages to people. And they have sweet games I can play too. What the hell is the deal with this site?

So, I send the message to this girl, inquiring about the job. She never responds. Great. I spent 25 bucks to try to talk to a girl only to be ignored. You know, I can make all that happen on my own time in real life for free. I can even head to a club, pay the 10 dollar cover charge, buy a cranberry vodka for 9 dollars, wander up to a girl, drop a line on her and watch her ignore me while walking away and that’s still cheaper than this shit. And I got a watered down shitty drink out of it. If getting overcharged and shot down in an embarrassing public setting is better than an experience on your site, than your site has a problem. Don’t worry, I cancelled my account. However, they hide the “Cancel Your Account” section real well. As most sites do I’m sure. Especially when they’re secretly charging you. They hide it under like 5 different sections.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Toilet Humor

The term “Toilet Humor” is often used with negative connotations. Usually to describe a brand of comedy that is so simple, so unintelligent, that there is no thinking involved in order to get the joke. It’s as simple as one, poo, pee. All fart jokes and poop jokes and what not. And I get that people think it’s obnoxious and immature, and I agree that ONLY that humor can get old real fast. But I’m going to tell you something else...I cannot think of a day in my life where I will stop finding farts funny.

They will always make me laugh. Someone having a weird sounding one out of nowhere. One that is so loud it interrupts a conversation. One that comes during the dramatic pause of a movie after the bad guy has just admitted that he did kill the protagonist’s friend. There’s just so many different types, it’s amazing. And I’ll always get a kick out of poop stories. Things found in the toilet. Things that you would expect to find in the toilet yet you found them elsewhere.

Let’s take a look here. This is a ton of bird shit. Holy bird shit, that’s a lot! Where did this van park? It must have resided underneath a tree holding a large family of birds. But did the birds all just eat a Taco Bell Thanksgiving feast? Look at it! It’s coated! It’s as if it got a new paint job. I often see a white van and compare it to a public toilet but these birds took it to the next step. I’m just glad I saw this before this guy went through a car wash. However, you’ll notice it seems dried onto his van. Maybe it’s been there awhile and he has no intentions of removing it. It’s going to make it a hell of a lot harder to abduct children when your white van can now literally be described over police scanners as “real shitty”. The picture above makes me laugh so much, and I really just want to share this “Toilet Humor” with others because I think it will make them laugh too.