Saturday, September 10, 2011

What Kind Of Step Dad Is Ashton Kutcher?

Do you think Ashton Kutcher is a cool Step Dad? Or do you think maybe he tries to hard to be a cool Step Dad? I’m thinking the latter of the two. I bet he thinks because he’s closer in age to Rumer Willis (Demi’s daughter) than he is to Demi Moore that he can get along easy with her. I bet he’s like that lame-o Step Dad that thinks he can be best friends with her.

INT. DEMI MOORE’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Demi Moore and Rumer Willis stand near the front door. Demi opens the door. Ashton Kutcher stands there with a suitcase and a copy of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” with a bow wrapped around it and a tag reading, TO RUMER.

ASHTON
Hey there kiddo! Got you a present!

He hands her the movie. She takes it, turns, and throws it into a pile of Die Hard merchandise. It sinks to the bottom and is unseen.

ASHTON
And guess what else? I’m gonna be your new dad!

RUMER
Weren’t you in my Biology class?

ASHTON
Yeah. The second time I took it.

RUMER
Right.

ASHTON
We’re gonna have a fun time! We’re gonna play catch and build a house out of a deck of cards and maybe you can even teach me how to do my taxes! How’s that sound?!

RUMER
Sounds great. I’ll show you how to do that right after I show my Mom how to use Twitter.

DEMI
I want to be on Twitter so I can take pictures of myself while I’m topless but only showing my back so it seems like it has no point to it, but then I’ll also give it a caption that reads, “Remember, you’ve got your own back.”

ASHTON
Poetic.

RUMER
I don’t get it at all.

DEMI
It’s so that people will remember to be their own best friend and to find light and protection from within.

RUMER
Why don’t you just tweet that then?

ASHTON
I love it! But let’s skip all that and play catch first. Then, we’ll go out drinking because I just got a fake I.D.



Well, seems like he is the lame-o Step Dad. I guess I was right. Man, imagine being there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It must be so weird. Especially since Rumer probably has a tradition of watching “Die Hard” every Christmas and then it just makes it awkward for everyone. I’m sure it’s mainly awkward for Ashton since his tradition is watching “What Happens In Vegas” every Christmas for no good reason other than he’s in it. And let’s be honest for a minute here. Let’s say your Demi Moore. Your ex is Bruce Willis, your current husband is Ashton Kutcher. What are you going to watch on Christmas? “Die Hard” or “What Happens In Vegas”? I think you pick the better movie no matter if your ex is in it or not. I mean, when does she pick any of Ashton’s movies over any of Bruce’s movies? She’s either been seeing good movies or she’s been a loyal and amazingly kind wife and had some shitty movie experiences lately.

Sorry, Ashton. I do like your Nikon commercials.

And what did you take the job on “Two And A Half Men” so your new daughter would think you’re cool since it’s the “best show” on TV. First off, there must be a lot of TV’s accidentally left on in the country when people go out for food during the “Two And A Half Men” time slot or America really does have as bad of taste as I thought. Secondly, that show is going to crash and burn very soon. It has to.

Sorry, Ashton. I liked “The Butterfly Effect”.

2 comments:

  1. I would watch "Watch Happens in Vegas" again before I watched "Red" again. Just sayin.

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  2. You would? And why have you seen all of it anyway? I've only seen some of it at work. By the way, if you ever wondered when it was Cameron Diaz stopped being pretty, it was during that movie. Around the 1 hour mark I think.

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