I went to the gym yesterday. Seemed like it was just going to be a normal day, until I started to notice all the weirdos. I feel like every place I go there is at least one weirdo I notice. Usually more. If I don’t notice any weirdos, often times I look down and I’m the guy wearing pink sweat pants and yoshi slippers in the Starbuck’s. Oh it’s me who’s the weirdo this time. But honestly, most places I’m at there are some weird people doing weird things. I’m used to it. I always spot the weirdness. But this day at the gym, there was just so much weirdness.
First weirdo I noticed, in the locker room. He was getting dressed, took his hat off while he changed. He laid it down on the bench and I noticed on the underside of the brim of his baseball cap, he had drawn a hawk in black pen. The weirdest part, I thought, was that he wasn’t in seventh grade and it wasn’t 1999. Really? You drew a hawk on the underside of your hat? That is not cool, why do you think it is? Or do you not think it is and that’s why you’re hiding it underneath your brim? And if that’s the case then why did you bother to draw this? The guy finished dressing and before I could ask him about his hawkness he put his hat BACK ON and went to work out. Working out with your hat on? Why?
Another point, as I was on the mat doing ab exercises, I noticed a guy in front of me stretching. He wasn’t in there the whole rest of the time I was, which was about 40 minutes, so he must have just gotten there and was stretching before his workout. Seemingly. He stretched the entire time I was doing my shit. For like 20 minutes. Do you really stretch for that long? That can’t be necessary. He also made sure to stand directly in front of me the entire time. Awesome. Every time I do a sit-up, I get a close-up of your dick. Thanks. A lot of the time he wasn’t even really stretching. He was lightly pulling on something while checking himself out in the mirror. Dude, this is not your personal mirror slash stretchitorium. Get out of my way! Anyway, I finish up, go in the locker room, and grab my towel to go shower. As I head towards the shower, that same guy enters the locker room. He too grabs a towel and heads to the showers. Really? Did you come to the gym to stretch and check yourself out for twenty minutes and that’s it? Just gonna shower and head out now? You couldn’t have possibly even have broken a sweat! Why the shower?! Who are you?
How about this guy? I was lifting weights and some other dude came up to lift weights next to me. He was one of those people who couldn’t help but to count his reps aloud. They started out as a whisper. One. Two. Three. But then they got progressively louder. Four. Five. Then, even louder. He was almost yelling. Six. Seven. Then, he was yelling. But eight, nine, ten, was replaced with...Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Every set went like this. He was always yelling, fuck fuck fuck, at the end of each one. What’s that about? And how horribly did first grade go for you? Did you get kicked out of class every time you started your math homework? You’re the worst. Because of you I started laughing mid workout and had to stop. I couldn’t continue on because you were that much of a joke.
Finally, there was the man on the treadmill. I studied him closely to figure out just exactly what his routine was. He would jog for 15 seconds, his arms doing the normal motions arms do while jogging. Then, it would be 15 seconds of jogging and punching his arms like he was boxing. Next, 15 seconds of jogging with his arms hanging straight down by his sides, stiff as boards, not moving at all. Finally, 15 seconds of jogging and now he placed his hands on his head and gripped his skull so tightly it looked like he was about to start screaming about the voices in his head. Repeat. He did this for 15 minutes. What the fuck is that routine dude? You getting some sort of psychotic arm and cranium workout during your run? What are you training for? The exorcism olympics? That was the weirdest running I’ve ever seen. You might have been the weirdest one I saw all day. But at least you weren’t the douchiest. The other three all got you beat there. And for once....for once...I barely made the top 5 for weirdest people in a public place. If ever I’m not in the top 5, I am immediately leaving that place because it is not a safe place to be, due to the excess amount of mentally unstable people.