My friend asked me a very good question today. How much do you tip a cab driver? You know, if you’ve never been in one, you wouldn’t really know. Most people have figured out how to tip waiters and waitresses and bartenders at this point because that’s something we all commonly do. But there’s lots of stuff we tip for that is not very clear. It’s not clear what the usual is and how much this person is actually working for a tip and how much they’re getting paid hourly and all that. We need some sort of tip chart or something. Maybe a class that everyone is forced to take in high school, a mandatory class to teach you how to tip once you go off in the real world. I’m probably not the best person to figure this all out, not knowing all these jobs well enough, but I’m going to attempt it.
Waiters and waitresses - These people generally make so little hourly money it’s embarrassing. Except for in the state of California I heard they make like 9 or 10 dollars an hour. However, cost of living is higher out here so it might even out but that still seems like bullshit to me. When I was a waiter in New Hampshire I made $2.35 An hour. I relied solely on tips basically. I think that’s how it is most places. Not even close to minimum wage, because you make a good amount in tips. Keep that in mind next time you’re out to eat. Most people probably already know this but for waiters and waitresses it’s like 15% if you think they did a decent job and 20% if you thought they were great and did everything they were supposed to. Keep in mind, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
A lot of the servers that worked with me used to complain when they only got 15% but they moped around, were slow, unfriendly, and didn’t do everything they were supposed to. They give the, “How am I supposed to live off of 15% tips?” I don’t know dummy. How are you supposed to keep your job if you don’t do it well enough? Don’t feel bad about giving a 15% tip if they deserve it. It’s still good enough. Oh and if a server ever comes and complains to you, the customer, about the tip, that’s total bullshit. Happened to me once. Me and my friends were at a Hooter’s and our waitress was about eight months pregnant. A lot of people said she’s lucky she got a tip at all. I didn’t go that far, but that is the last type of waitress you want at Hooter’s. Just saying. Anyway, she was not even decent, barely did anything for us. I remember us asking for silverware and then having to get it ourselves 10 minutes later. However, we didn’t want poor little Hooter Jr. To grow up in a world without shoes or food or proper education so we gave her 15% even though she didn’t even deserve that. Then, she yelled at us on the way out and said we did not tip her enough and demanded we come back and give her more money. My friends basically ran away and I, like a moron, had stopped to talk. My side of the conversation went something like, “Um, no.” And then I walked away. She kept screaming but I did not turn back. Many people were laughing at me but I want everyone to know that I did the right thing!
Cab Drivers - I don’t know what these guys get paid but most of them are way too pushy and rude and drive too dangerous to get more than a couple bucks from me. Does that sound stuck up? I tip better for the ones I like. You don’t gotta talk to me, just don’t scream at me. To my friend, I say, depends on the fare, but I think $3-5 is usually pretty good. No?
Hairdressers - I didn’t know you were supposed to tip hairdressers the first time I got my hair professionally cut. Nor did I know the second or third time. Apparently you tip anyone who does a service for you. I say same rule as with cabbies. Few bucks is good. Unless you get your hair cut at some super douchetastic place where it costs you around $150 for everything. Then, you have a whole new chart for your tipping purposes. And I cannot help you with that.
Dogwalker - Walk your own dog. Don’t have time? Why do you have a dog?
Babysitters - All they get is tips. This is whatever amount you worked out before the babysitter came over.
Prostitutes - I have never had one but I assume the norm is a ridiculous amount. I bet if someone told me the average tip I’d be pissed and start a rally to lower it. I guarantee they get more than I did as a waiter and that’s bullshit. I did way more work than they will ever do and I basically got eye-fucked by several 40+ women a day, so that’s practically the same as them. Try $1 and see if you get slapped or not, I say.
Sky Caps - Ah! I hate this! Why are we supposed to tip the guys who check our bags outside as opposed to the guys who check them inside. They do the same exact job, they’re just outside. And then they always expect like $5 from me. I think that’s the expected, but I rarely tip them anything. If the people inside don’t expect anything, then you shouldn’t get anything either. Just because you are super nice to me doesn’t get you a tip. My friends who are nicer friends don’t get money from me. Stays the same in this situation. Fuck that noise.
Bathroom Attendants - Fuck this job! This does not need to be a job! Know how I know that? Because if they weren’t there, nothing in the world would change. I don’t need anyone to turn the water on for me! I don’t need anyone to squirt the soap in my hand! In fact, I prefer to do it myself. You never give me as much soap as I like and I always get my hands a little wet before I use the soap. Every Bathroom Attendant thinks everyone uses soap first then all the water. Well, I’m not the same as everyone else. You’re fucking up my ritual and now you expect money. Oh and they do the overly friendly routine too! Laughing at everything I say whether it’s funny or not. Being my bud. Fuck off! And I’ll grab my own paper towels, I don’t know where your hands have been. And no I don’t want any of your cologne or candy! What the fuck is this all about?! Who created this job? It is the absolute worst! These guys do not deserve a tip. Do not tip them people! Tell them to get a real job! If I can start a revolution where America eliminates all Bathroom Attendant jobs I will feel like I have really accomplished something in life. Will you assist me in the revolution, people? Will you?