Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tigers Have So Much More Time On Their Hands

While I was going through my morning rituals my mind started to wander, as it usually does. I started thinking, how much easier would my life be if I were a tiger? I started to break it down, I would be wasting a lot less time it seems, being a tiger.

Morning rituals immediately get way better. No more shaving of anything. This goes to all genders, anyone who ever has to shave as part of a morning or nightly ritual, forget about it. Now, you’re a tiger and tigers don’t need to shave. That’s less time wasted.

Brushing the teeth? Nope. Tigers don’t care if their teeth are brushed. No one else in the tiger community has fresh breath so you don’t have to worry about being the stinky one. You’re all the stinky ones. Less time wasted there.

Taking a shower? That now consists of jumping in a nearby river and swimming around for a minute or two. Well, that’s way quicker! Also, while you’re at it take a couple gulps of water since this is also your source of drinking water. Less time wasted going to Target, buying a Brita filter, reading the instructions, setting it up, walking to the fridge and pouring yourself a glass of water. A tiger’s way of drinking is much quicker and more efficient. Also, it’s probably fun to do it during shower time.


Cooking dinner? Yeah right! No need to cook any food, your iron stomach now is able to handle any uncooked meat and your cornhole won’t go bonkers later. That saves a ton of time, cooking the food, cutting into the chicken to make sure it isn’t pink anymore. However, you now do have to chase and catch your food. Compared to picking it out at the supermarket, that takes a little longer, but ultimately tigers save time during dinner because they ain’t gotta cook shit. Wow! We’re saving a lot of time here as tigers!

Buying clothes? Haha! I laugh at that request! I’m a tiger now, I walk around naked! Whon the fuck needs clothes? No one else is wearing them. I’m just gonna walk around in the nude with my orange and black striped dick swangin in the breeze. Are they orange and black striped do you think? I think they are, the rest of their body is. My penis color is the same as my body color. It would only make sense.

Buying anything for that matter. Yeah, don’t have to do that anymore. Toilet paper? Why? That shit washes off in the river, I ain’t gotta wipe. Toilet cleaner? You don’t need to spray toilet cleaner on a pile of leaves and bushes. Condoms? Hell no! Raw dogging every tiger bitch in this jungle. Video games? I don’t even have thumbs! Won’t be wasting time playing those games. Well, that’s everything I ever buy. So, there you have it. Don’t have to waste time with any of that.

All in all, I think it boils down to me saving about 10 hours a week. 10 hours! That’s nuts! Think of all the time not wasted now! Think of all the things I’ll be able to accomplish with my new found time! Each day I got more time to myself. I think I’m going to use all this time to get to work on that screenplay I’ve been wanting to write...oh wait. No outlets in the jungle. No computers. Hmmm. Didn’t think this through. Well, I suppose I’ll just go kill some dinner then. And shit in a bush.

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