Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sock Monster

I swear that there is something sneaky going on when I do my laundry. I never notice anything suspicious when I’m unloading my laundry, only when I’m putting it away. Or when I’m getting dressed one day. And it’s specifically always with the socks. My socks just disappear. Sometimes whole pairs, sometimes just one from a pair. And often times I acquire socks that are not mine. These usually come in ones.

I was wondering if someone in my apartment complex was opening up my laundry as it was washing and fishing through for a new sock. Like this guy who hates routine, needs change in his life, so he goes into the washing machine whilst it’s washing and grabs a single sock. Then, he takes a similar one off his foot and throws it in there. Because that’s the thing is that the socks are never completely different, they’re always very similar. If I lose a white sock I obtain a new white sock. Same with black socks. I’ve definitely acquire socks that go halfway up my shin and I know for a fact I don’t buy those socks because I don’t play soccer anymore and I’m not over 80.

But then I realized, it couldn’t be some Anti-Rainman switching socks on me because it’s been happening to me almost all my life. No matter where I’ve lived. So, I think it’s a Sock Monster. Probably several of them. And I think I’ve figured out how they operate too.

They’re really weird looking socks. Usually ugly socks. They’ve been accidentally bought due to misleading packaging and because aunts and grandmas don’t know what cool socks to buy for their nephews/nieces/grandkids. Eventually, one of the two uglies has been lost (or tossed, or burned, or exploded) so the other was not needed anymore. Not the type of sock you want to intermingle with the other cool socks. So it’s been left to die on the side of the road. Tossed out of moving cars, fallen out of sleepover bags, filled with ice cubes and thrown at the annoying neighbor who pronounces it “Ec-scape” and never stops talking about “Star Trek”. Yes, these socks have been abandoned. And they’ve become bitter with time, transforming into Sock Monsters!

So, they sneak into laundry rooms around the world. They jump inside washing machines and dryers and find a pair of attractive socks. They jump in the tumble with them and lunge themselves at the pair, breaking them up. Usually, the Sock Monster can manage to smack one of the pair out of the way and slam him into the wall of the dryer knocking him unconscious like the dad in “Finding Nemo”. Then, he can have his way with the other part of the pair. But what does the Sock Monster do? He eats the other sock, he consumes it whole, thus replacing this sock with himself. Now, he is part of a pair again. And when you open your dryer up and are missing one sock from a pair, you realize you still have the same amount of socks you put in there. You’re not going to throw that extra sock away because then you’d be down one sock. Might as well keep it, right?

Just what the Sock Monster wants. Assuming you are someone who has thrown an ugly sock away, he decides pay back will be instilled upon you. He injects toxins and poisons into your foot which 15% can result in the gout or athlete’s foot which are both very easily treated but inconvenient for a slight time period! Ooh, scary! This is the Sock Monster getting revenge. I say, if you notice a sock that doesn’t look like your own, don’t wear it. It may be a trap! But in the instance of today, I put one on because I needed it. I’m in need of doing laundry and have limited socks to wear. In fact of the 8 in my drawer I didn’t recognize 7 of them. 7! 7 Sock Monsters! Ah ah ah!

Now, what does it mean when you lose an entire pair of socks? Is the Sock Monster still involved in this? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe it’s like how one of the sequels of “Chucky” where he now has the bride and there’s a boy and chick Chucky now that are both going around causing mischief and murdering people. Could be like that. A lady Sock Monster bride type deal. Or maybe you just dropped a sock carrying it back to your place. I don’t know dude. They’re just socks!

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