Sunday, September 18, 2011

Jobs I Wouldn't Mind Having

Jobs I wouldn’t mind having.

I was thinking about this. What if I were a racecar driver? All I’d do is drive around in circles. Real fast. I already do that in my neighborhood when I’m looking for parking. Now, I’m getting paid to do it and I don’t have to worry about finding a spot. Eventually, I can stop in my guaranteed spot where other people do work on my car for free. This has ultimately made my “looking for parking” situation much better. Time to turn into a hick.

Or what if I were a food critic? I’ve tasted many types of foods. I can give opinions on them. You just get paid to say exactly what you think about the free food you’re eating. Free food? For a bullshit job! Anybody can do that. You just have to have a good vocabulary. Time to open up the dictionary and break out my retractable fork.

How about defensive coordinator for a professional football team? It’s just like picking defensive plays in Madden. I can do that. I already do that very well. Sure, I pick a lot of blitz plays, but I also control one of the safetys to make sure nothing crazy happens downfield. That’s basically all you got to do in real life. I can do that. Time to bring in my Madden highlight reel to somebody important.

Or what if I just become a player in the NFL? I know I always say that’s gotta be tough on your mind where sometimes you have days at work where you lose. You just lose and it’s the worst day ever. But whatever. I exercise for work. Play a game while I work. Sign me up. Football. Basketball. Monopoly. Mouse Trap. I’ll play any game for money. Tell me what it is and I’m there. Time to break out the Parker Brothers training pack.

How about Lady Photographer? That’s a profession. Those photographers that only take pictures of naked or near naked ladies. Just get real good at holding a camera steady and then say I’m best at capturing the essence of pretty ladies. Not so good at plants, bowls of fruits, dudes. Just scantily clad ladies. Um, how’s having a boner all day at work sound? The best. Step aside Ashton. Time for me to grab that Nikon.

Inventor? If something doesn’t exist and I create it before anybody else, then I own the only ones in the world. Everyone should want to buy those. Right? And I get to be creative all day? I love that! Time to put on the inventor pants.

Sure I’m kind of downplaying all these jobs. I know they take more work than that. But you can’t tell me you wouldn’t love these jobs too. Pretty awesome jobs. And I know lots of jobs that require more effort than the above listed. I’m all about effortless. Or effortlittle. Both sound delicious. OK. Time to end this post.

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