Monday, September 12, 2011

How Do Mermaids Reproduce?

How do mermaids reproduce? I always wondered this. I mean a mermaid is half person, half fish. So, I suppose a mermaid is created when a fish and a man mate. First off, let’s explore how that happens. Um, I guess that must be a big fish. Or at least a fish that gets around a lot. One that has a big opening for a fish hook or what have you. And the guy is like...super loney? Or maybe it’s a man fish and a lady human. Who knows? Anyway, that’s what makes a mermaid.

Also, something to note is that mermaids are always women. For some reason a male mermaid is never created. Maybe that’s why mermaids never procreate. They can only have lesbian sex with each other. And they can’t even scissor or do the other things lesbians do. Except kiss and wet hump. But mermaids could still mate with humans right? A male human.

In all the movies and TV shows it’s always the sailors the mermaids are luring. Are they having sex with them? Where do you put it? There’s just a fish tail there. Is their an opening somewhere in her scales? And if so, how do those scales feel? Ever eat the scales on a fish? They’re rough. Imagine them on a more sensitive area. That can’t be very good, if that opening is even there.

I feel like the reason everyone always warns the sailors to watch out for the mermaids is because they aren’t luring you for sex. They make you think they are. They bring you down under water. To their lair. You swim on in and then that’s where you realize, “Where am I gonna put it?” Then, the sailors probably think they’re just going to get some nice things done for them but then the mermaid makes it known what he’s really down there for. He is handed a hammer and nails and some paint and she puts him to work. He’s been brought down to help renovate her house! She probably wants to resell but needs to improve it before she puts it back on the market.

There are promises of sex and/or blowjobs. The sailor thinks if he does these nice things for her he will get some. Just as he finishes up, he comes back in the house. He gets a glass of sea water from the faucet and quenches his thirst. He was working real hard on the roof. He is about to enter the bedroom where the mermaid was last seen and out exits a big, tough tuna. He’s mean-mugging. The sailor asks who he is.

The tuna replies, “I’m Andrea’s boyfriend!” Apparently, Andrea is the mermaid’s name and she has a boyfriend. He is about twice the size of the sailor and he is not messing around. The sailor realizes what has happened. With his legs and arms he is a prime candidate for fixing their house up. He has been tricked! And now he can’t do anything about it or else this tuna will fuck him up properly! They’ve used him for his limbs. He stands there quite awhile speechless. The tuna folds his fins across his chest. “Well, you done out there?” He asks. The sailor nods. “Then, I guess you better be heading out.” The tuna motions towards their brand new front door. The sailor heads out.

The sailor stops for a moment and turns back. “Look, I know what’s just happened and I accept it. I’ll use this as a learning experience. But I got to ask. How do the two of you...” The tuna interrupts, “We rub scales together. It works for both of us having fish bottoms.” The sailor nods, then, “But why not just another fish? A female fish.” The tuna chuckles. “Because no fish have a rack like a mermaid, dipshit.” The sailor nods again. He turns and heads out. Just as he gets outside he has one last thing to say, “You know, up there, on dry land, your kind would be in a can.” The tuna starts at him but he jumps and swims away.

And you know when he resurfaces and boards his ship again everyone is gonna ask him how it was. And what else is he gonna say but, “You ain’t lived til you had a mermaid fellas!”

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