Monday, September 19, 2011

ExBroSive

How often do you see this?

The Fist-Bump-Explosion. Fist bumps are kind of funny when you do them with your friends as a joke. The explosion afterwards is so dumb too. Again when done as a joke, kind of funny. But in a world where people are trying to identify themselves with unique variations of handshakes and high-fives, the Fist-Bump-Explosion is all too often performed with serious intent.

The easiest way to tell if the Fist-Bumpers are serious...are they Bros? Do they smell of douchebaggery? How many popped collars lie below the exterior popped collar? The deeper their popped collars run, the deeper the “Bro” runs within them. Are they Fist-Bumping because one of them just hooked up with a chick? Bro. Is either one referring to the other as “Bro” nonstop? Obviously a Bro. Bros only hang with other Bros.


There are many other signs, these are just some starters. Now, that you’ve successfully spotted a Bro, here’s what you need to do. Go out and find a Micro-Chemist. Hire him to design for you a tiny remote-activated bomb. We want all sides of the exterior to be sticky. You stick one side to your fist, another sticky side faces out. Find your Bro again. Tell him something “Fist-Bump” worthy like, “Bro, I like that the front of your hair is gelled and atop the back sits your Yankees cap.” He’ll for sure Fist-Bump you for that.

Try not to cringe too hard. After the Fist-Bump the bomb will be stuck on his hand without him knowing. Activate the bomb to explode on impact via your remote control once you’ve gotten to a safe distance. Next time him and his Bro do a Fist-Bump and plan to follow through with an explosion, they’ll get a real explosion.

Just what they wanted. I need everyone to follow these instructions carefully. Eventually, we’ll rid the Bros all of their fists. Then, they’ll be left with nothing but their...do they have anything else?

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