Thursday, September 22, 2011

Diary Entry: 14 - Bowser's In The Paintings?!

So, after fighting that robot and that elf and that electric rat and being praised as a winner for murdering them like I’m on goddamn Spartacus, I climbed down from that elevated death trap and finally got back to reality. Happened to be strolling past the castle again and one of the little Toad people runs up to me and tells me the Princess has been kidnapped by Bowser again. Seriously? Don’t you guys have any locks on your doors? Or any type of security? And that guy just helped me get her back from the ugly Boomer dude and he already is opposing me again? He’s going down.

I head into the castle and Toad convinces me Bowser is like inside one of the paintings. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Mario, were you tripping balls? Well, I must have been because I swear to you that I jumped at one of the paintings, and literally went inside of it! I ended up in some new world entirely! Crazy right? So, I’m going around through all the paintings they have in the castle. There’s a lot!

There’s one where I have to fight this giant Bob-omb guy because he’s a huge dick. He actually is really slow and less scary than the regular Bob-ombs. He doesn’t even have a fuse. Yeah he was a lame-o and I kicked his ass. So he coughed up this star. I keep collecting these stars by the way, which I think keep feeding me my high and making me think I’m jumping into paintings. However, I really think I am entering these new worlds. I must sound like I’m crazy, but they seem so real. Anyway, I’m going all over. This one under water level. Fighting a gigantic eel. I was in some levels with lava, of course, there’s always lava somewhere. I had to fight whomps and thwomps on this high up tower. Pretty scary, I hate heights. I even went to some snowy level. There was some bitch ass crying penguin screaming about how she lost her baby and she refused to look for it. She made me do it. Horrible parent.

Anyway, I’m running all around collecting all these stars and eventually one of the Toads is like, why don’t you try to go into that painting of Bowser. Maybe he’s in that one. Mind you, it’s been like 5 days of me going all around this damn castle, jumping into paintings collecting a humongous stack of stars and this guy never thought to tell me there was a Bowser painting until now. Yeah of course he’s probably in that one! Why didn’t you tell me to go into that one in the first place, moron? I would have skipped all this other nonsense. Of course he’ll hide in the one with his face on it. He’s a cocky moron! And why do you guys even have a painting of him?! He comes in and kidnaps the Princess every week! You paid to have a portrait done of him?

Sorry. I just gotta blow off some steam. So, then what happens is I start running down the hallway at that painting they have of Bowser and out of nowhere the floor falls out beneath me! A trap door! Bowser had the time to install a trap door in their castle?! How long was he in this place without them noticing?! Guess where it brings me. Yup, to another lava level. I traverse through this whole thing, killing those walking muffins (which by the way I have encountered a butt load of in the past few days, and I killed them all). I get to the end of existence, or so it seems, and there’s a pipe. Nice decoy, I know I’m a plumber but am I really supposed to jump in that pipe? Well, there’s nowhere else to go so I do. And it brings me to Bowser. He’s chilling all alone on this weird platform thing and he has gotten huge! Not like fat, just big. Musculuar I think. I guess he’s just been sitting down there doing push-ups all this time.

So, anyway we start fighting. He’s basically wrecking me the whole time. Lighting my ass on fire. Slashing me with his claws. Knocking me around with his tail. At some point he even rammed me with his spiky shell and knocked me right on my ass. I’m actually laying down right by the edge of the platform! It’s really scary because he starts creeping up on me and I got nowhere to go. I’m cornered! Is this the end? Am I going to die here? This is it, isn’t it? Of course not, otherwise, how the fuck would I write this diary entry. He tries to burn me with some fire, I roll out of the way since I’m so damn agile, run up behind him and grab him by the tail. I start swinging this guy around in circles. Around and around. He’s getting so dizzy, he looks like he’s gonna puke. It’s awesome. Just as he is about to vomit, I toss him. Right off the platform and into some bomb thing! I don’t know why their was bombs surrounding this platform. He really is THE WORST at creating layouts for places. Why do you want those there?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I murdered him. For good this time. But who knows? Yeah so somehow I got out of there and grabbed the Princess and returned her home safely. I don’t even really remember that part. Must have blacked out or something. But I know I did it because everyone told me I did. And here I am in the castle again. Oh and guess what she’s gonna do for me again. Bake a cake. That’s right. Enough cakes Princess. And enough with this bullshit of you getting kidnapped all the time. This is a waste of my time. I have a job as a plumber I have to attend to you know? So, I left the castle. I’m actually gonna take a vacation for awhile. Get away from these people. They’re such headaches. And the Princess still won’t give me any sugar! Well, she’ll give me sugary cake frosting but that’s not the type of sugar Mario needs! I mean come on! What do I have to do?! That’s it Mario’s out! Peace wappas!

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