Thursday, September 15, 2011

Diary Entry: 13 - Robot Boobs And Electric Rats

Dear Diary,

The princess is safe another day. I ate the stupid cake she baked for me. It wasn’t even good. Tasted like soggy cardboard. You know, I’ve watched all the action movies over the years, “Die Hard” “Broken Arrow” “Sahara”, whenever the guy saves the lady slash the world, he always gets the woman. You see them kiss or make out and you’re lead to believe they’re going to be intercoursing later, which I’m sure they will be. How come all I got was a gross cake I didn’t even want? That’s messed up!

Anyway, I left the Princess safe and sound at the castle. Or so everyone told me she’s safe. I feel like she’s gonna get kidnapped again. They have the worst security ever. It’s just a bunch of Toads. Oh, so I finally figured it out, there IS more than one. There was 9 of those little mother fuckers at my cake party, they were all wearing the same outfit and dumb spotted hat. Anyway, how are those guys supposed to protect her? Whatever, I’m walking back home from the castle and I get a little lost as I was daydreaming about what I really wanted from Peach. Did you know that’s her name? Peach! When the hell did everyone find that one out?

But it’s weird, I start walking through this...I don’t know...sort of arena area. I look around and I’m way high up. Apparently I climbed another castle all the way up to the roof without realizing it. And now I’m on a castle roof arena thing? Suddenly, a super loud voice starts screaming out, “3, 2, 1, go!” I have no idea where it came from, sounds like it was coming from every direction. Before I even get a chance to investigate the screamer, some elf-looking guy cloaked in green jumps out of nowhere with a sword! I dodge him as he’s slicing and dicing in my direction! What the hell, dude?! I don’t even know you!

As I regain my balance, some robot comes running by knocking me on my ass crack. I watch from the ground as the robot and the elf start duking it out. What the hell is going on? Should I be rooting for the robot because he was less rude to me? And how come that robot sort of has the figure of a woman? No time to figure that one out, because some giant yellow rat lunges at me from the sky and tackles me into the ground! Damn it! What is this place. I kick thing off of me, brush off my mustache, and stick my fists up. Shit just got real!

This damn yellow rat, doesn’t even advance towards me, just all of a sudden shoots an electric bolt right out of his body at me! It hits me, shocks me, and knocks me back. He starts shooting more and now I’m hopping around like a damn monkey trying to dodge them. I don’t like playing on the defense. Ain’t my style. So as soon as I get a chance, I charge him. He keeps shooting electric bolts at me but I evade them as I run at his ugly face. Just as I get close enough, I uppercut him right in the jaw. He flies in the air, I jump and drop kick him so hard. He sails through the sky. Over the still-fighting elf and robot. I’m quite proud of myself until I realize he sails right off the side of the castle. Oh shit! Did I just kill that rat? I was just trying to knock him away for bothering me. We have to be like 20 stories up. No way he survived. Then, the voice comes back, “Pikachu, eliminated!” And a crowd, unseen, cheers it’s stupid heads off.

Now, where the hell are these people and why are they so pumped I just murdered a mammal? I feel like a gladiator or some shit. I don’t like this and I don’t know how to escape. I look to the elf and robot. The elf swings heavy at the robot, the robot dodges and grabs him with some blue cable thing that extends out of his/her arm. It throws him real far, charges up this giant orb, and blasts it at him as he is falling back to the ground. It nails him and shoots him off even farther! He too flies off the side of the building, presumable dies, the voice announces him being eliminated, and people cheer again! What the fuck is going on?!

The robot advances towards me. I start to thank it and tell it how I don’t know what’s going on and really just want to leave and then it grabs me with the blue cable and pulls me in real close! As it pulls me to it’s chest, I accidentally feel it’s boobs. It is a woman! And what nice boobs! I mean, I hope you don’t think less of me diary, I wasn’t trying to touch her boobs, it was all an accident. And it’s just that Peach is such a tease, she always leads me on, yet I never get anything simple from her like a kiss or a boob touch. I just miss boobs a lot. These ones are quite perky. I’m not sure if she’s pulling me to do stuff with me but her helmet and giant suit is kind of preventing anything. Guess that’s not what she was doing because she tosses me real hard too! I crash into the ground. Great! This sexy-boobed bitch wants to fight me too!

Then, as if things couldn’t get more ridiculous, a baseball bat falls out of the sky and lands right in front of her. She picks it up and starts swinging the shit at me! I’m dodging and bouncing backwards evading the swings. But she’s pushing me closer and closer to the opposite edge of the castle roof arena. Luckily, more shit falls from the sky. A red and white ball lands behind me. I pick it up and throw it at her real hard. She swings, misses. Strike! It hits her in the crotch. She’s got the wind knocked out of her and bends over to catch her breath. As the ball falls to the ground it opens up! A light shines out of it and this gigantic red lizard pops out of it. That thing should not have fit in there! It was like watching 50 clowns unload out of a smart car. Anyway, the thing starts shooting out blasts of fire and hits the robot lady with one sending her flying back to the other side of the building.

She lands on the ground near the edge and wouldn’t you know it, a small tornado materializes around her. She gets sucked up in the thing and flung straight up in the air! She apparently flies so high that she flies away forever! She goes so far off into the distance that I just can’t see her anymore. And just as she disappears the voice comes back and claims me as the winner! Everyone cheers like maniacs, confetti is flying everywhere and I get a trophy! Alright, I don’t know what happened here and it was all pretty scary but I haven’t gotten a trophy in awhile and I haven’t touched a woman’s boobs in awhile so I guess today was pretty awesome! Now, how do I get down from here?

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