Thursday, September 8, 2011

Diary Entry: 12 - Boomer And The Cake And The Other Guys

Dear Diary,

Nap time was great. We all got a great rest in Boomer’s hotel. The man may be a kidnapper and ugly as a sauceless meatball but he sure knows how to accommodate company. There was lavender under our pillows, a little trick I thought only Mama Mario knew about. Makes you fall asleep faster and easier. And a mint next to our beds when we woke up. It wasn’t there before so I wonder when it was placed there.

Anyway, me, the wizard guy, the marshmallow-frog thing, and Bowser climb the rest of the way to the top. We find this big room, it’s like the penthouse. Smells like cheese. Not like good cheese either, you know the good smelling kinds they serve you in fancy restaurants. Like the ones that come in an aerosol can and get stuck in your mustache real easy. Yeah, that plus butthole. This is the worst smelling penthouse I’ve ever been in. I mean, as a plumber I haven’t been in many penthouses. Technically, this is my first. The wizard assures me that penthouses don’t normally smell like this though. As we enter we see the ugly guy! I can tell the smell is coming from him. He just looks like he would have that odor. He’s got the Princess by his side and he’s trying to force wedding cake down her throat.

Oh hell no! That loser ain’t marrying my Princess! And he sure as shy guys ain’t feeding her cake! Not even a delicious looking cherry type cake. I charge the guy and all of a sudden these two clowns pop out of nowhere and start muscling me. They push me away from him as he laughs maniacally like Biff in that part of “Back To The Future” when Lorraine thinks he’s going to break George’s arm. Only I can’t do a stellar punch to his face from back here. Not only are the clowns double teaming me, but I have a fear of clowns! Luigi always dressed up as a clown for April Fool’s Day and pretended like he killed our parents. I have a feeling that’s where the fear stemmed from. Anyway, I’m paralyzed with fear!


Just then the marshmallow and the wizard jump in and pop those guys in their big red noses. The marshmallow starts raining lightning down from the sky like he’s Zeus and electricutes one of them while the wizard turns into a cannon (badass right?) And shoots cannonballs out of himself at the other. I don’t know what the cannonballs are made of if he’s the cannon. Boogers. Poopies. Dingleberries. Who knows? Can I confide something in you real quick diary? Dingleberries are always blue, right? Because of blue jeans. But when I wore the red overalls that one time when I was tripping hard on that plant and shooting fire boogers around and everything...I had red dingleberries. That was because of the red overalls, right? Not like, a bloody butt crack? Or over exposure to fire boogers? Maybe I’ll google it. But on Luigi’s computer so it looks like he was looking it up.

So, those guys take on the clowns and I get another running start at Boomer. Remember that cherry cake I mentioned? Well, that thing starts moving and wiggling and shit and then it lunges at me! What the F?! Attack cake? This guy has everything in his hotel. So, I don’t know how to get around it, so I start fighting it. Punch after punch, jump after jump, I take this thing on but nothing is working! Maybe because you can’t fight a cake! Bowser is a stand up guy/turtle out of nowhere and helps me out. He dives at the cake and he starts eating it. Yup, this thing is alive and he just starts tearing at it, tier to tier, ripping away at it with his teeth. Cool with me, however you wanna go about it.

Now, it’s me and this Boomer guy. He’s probably going to be a tough challenge I’m thinking. He’s probably going to be one of the toughest battles I’ll have fought. He stole the Princess away, this is one rough dude. He’s got all these other minions and hotel employees working underneath him, he rules them with a heavy hand. Right? Wrong. I wind up and give him a solid gloved punch to the nose, I’m not exaggerating, he explodes! Chocolate pudding and crab legs fly everywhere! This guy must have just had the buffet at the Luxour in Vegas. Good deal. Smart guy. Or he was. Now, he’s in a thousand pieces all over the floor. And some of them sprayed on Princess’s lovely dress. Oops. She looks a little pissed, but whatever. I just spent all this time trying to save her ass. She better be grateful! She seems somewhat grateful. She tells me she’s going to bake me a cake as a reward. A cake? First of all, after all this mess, that’s the last thing I want. And secondly, a cake? That’s it? You can’t do a little something more special for your knight in shining overalls? Ah! I guess it will have to do. For now. At some point I’m cracking that safe.

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