Thursday, September 1, 2011
Diary Entry: 11 - Ugly Boomer
My team is falling apart! Luigi says he can’t help me right now because he just remembered he left some bruschetta in the oven and he doesn’t want it to burn. He runs back home in a hurry and I suppose I understand. Burnt bruschetta is pretty bad. After he runs away I turn back and Toad is gone. Straight vanished like a damn ghost! Can’t believe that guy. Well, at least I won’t have to listen to him anymore. And Yoshi runs off to help these other colored Yoshis. Says there was some sort of problem back on his home island he had to tend to. Damn! That leaves just me! Wario’s still crying like a baby but he at least manages to tell me between tears that he saw which direction the Princess was taken. I’m not sure how true this is, but it’s all I have to go on, so I start off in that direction. Southeast I believe it to be.
I leave these failed, ridiculous, crying bad guys behind, and start on another mission. Like a fucking man! Then, I feel a claw on my shoulder. I turn and it’s Bowser. He’s all like, “Nobody should be kidnapping the Princess but me. I’m helping you find this guy, and crushing him!” Sure, I suppose that’s cool. As long as he doesn’t fuck with my swagger. Princess.....whatever her name is...is mine when we get to her. We keep walking on, leaving the dirt stadium behind, which by the way was a garbage track. Then, we come across these two guys, one is like some sort of marshmallow poof who claims to be a frog. I don’t know, I don’t ask questions about people and their identity crises. And the other guy has a blue cape and hat, looks like a wizard.
Anyway, they say they saw some ugly dude carry a Princess screaming and kicking all the way up to some tower. They show us the way. Nice guys! We get to the bottom of the tower and we look up. That shit is a long way up! The marshmallow-frog and the wizard say they’ll help us get this Princess back since they have nothing else to do. They were just talking about some Star Lane or something beforehand but they were like, “Whatever, we can get back to that philosophical shit later.” Sweet! New team! That didn’t take long!
We start climbing through the inside of this tower. We’re totally trespassing so all these guards and employees are attacking us and crap. They make it seem like a hotel but they don’t want anyone to stay there apparently. There’s a bunch of these ugly guys everywhere that are really dark in color, have big white lips, and big stupid eyes. They all kind of look like Ted Danson in Blackface. This fucking guy? Again?! Well, there’s a bunch of them so they couldn’t all be him. They must be minions of his.
Bowser is a pretty powerful turtle. He’s knocking their heads together, knocking them out. He’s singing some LL Cool J song the whole time and referencing his mama. I guess that’s how he gets pumped. He’s throwing chain chomps at people’s faces and clawing everyone’s assholes up. Figuratively. The wizard, Geno, starts shooting all this magical shit out of his fingertips and is blasting people through walls and what not! Impressive. The marshmallow is named Mallow, still don’t know why he thinks he’s a frog. I saw him bring a couple lightning bolts down from the sky and landed them on people’s heads! Indoors too! What? Is that even possible?! This is a pretty bad ass team I got here.
I’m jumping on everyone’s heads and punching the crap out of these Ted Danson minions. One of them begs for mercy as I’m about to rip his make up off. He tells me Boomer is the one we want. He’s all the way upstairs on the top floor with the Princess. I say thanks, and give him a solid punch to the nose anyway. Not sure if he had a nose but he’s got a dent where his nose should be now. Deal with that ugly. By the way, everyone in this tower is ugly! It’s ridiculous! It’s like the opposite of Beverly Hills. Wait, is that a true comparison? Whatever, doesn’t matter.
It’s night time so we decide to take a rest before we go up there and beat the snot out of that Boomer guy. What? Heroes need rest too! I’m sure the Princess will still be up there when we check tomorrow and she’ll still be fine! I’m a tired and need sleep. I’ll deal with these bone heads tomorrow. We just climbed like 52 stories and beat up around 187 different disgruntled hotel employees. I’m getting a little cranky. Princess, I swear I’ll save you. Right after nap time.