Friday, September 2, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Inventive I


No one saw it coming. But when it came, it came fast. (Haha) I’m speaking of course, of the lower case letter movement. Suddenly, the letters themselves were not enough. Sure they were gaining capital, but were they gaining too much capital? That’s why they became known as the Capital Letters. The movement coming in was trying to screw the Capital Letters out of a bunch of their jobs. E was pissed, being the letter who makes the most money. He’s made a living off being Silent E, and now they’re taking that away from him.

INT. E’S MANSION - MORNING

E stands opposite a POLITICIAN.

E
You can’t do this to me! Now, the only time I’ll get work is when I start a word?

POLITICIAN
No, that’s not true. Headlines in newspapers will still be all capital letters. Signs as well. Lots of other stuff. We’re basically just using the lower case letters for stories. Books and articles. That sort of stuff.

E
That’s still half of my work.

POLITICIAN
It’s what the public wants. The Scientist already started creating lower case letters. Yours was done last night.

E was outraged. e was sent to his house for a meet and greet. E was not happy. Everyone knew when e left his house with a black eye. For being the type with a monacle and a cigar E is surprisingly bad ass. E called the other vowels on a conference call letting them know about what had happened. He was tightest with the vowels so he told them right away. He was the only one who knew beforehand. The Politician told him since he was the highest regarded of all the letters. Why is a Politician in charge of all this? I don’t even get that. E told A how their lower case duplicates were already created. B’s, C’s and D’s were done as well. I took notice to what was going on. He was intelligent. He was inventive. He could come up with a way around this. So, he went and invented invisible paint. Seems like a weird thing to go and spend his time on in a crisis like this, but it had reason.

INT. SCIENTIST’S HOME - NIGHT

The SCIENTIST is working on lower case f. There is a knock at the door. He stops in the middle of his work. Answers the door. There stands i.

SCIENTIST
Who are you?

I
I’m i.

SCIENTIST
How is that? I haven’t created you yet.

I
The Politician must have forgotten to tell you. Some of us lower case letters already exist. So, you don’t have to create me.

SCIENTIST
Well, I suppose that helps me. Thanks for letting me know before I got to you.

And that was that! I painted his neck with the invisible paint he had invented. Thus making him look entirely different. A lower case version of himself! Smart thinking. Now, every time they need capital I or lower case i they come to the same guy, and they don’t even know it! Genius! Until of course Inuit appreciation day.



INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON

All the letters, capital and lower case hang out together. No one has yet realized there are only 51 letters, rather than 52. They all mingle and form a giant crowd, no one can even tell. Then, the Photographer enters the room.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK, we need the letters up here for Inuit. It’s the first word of a sentence we are running as a headline. Let’s get everyone up here!

I, n, u, and t head up there and begin to arrange themselves. The Photographer looks around confused.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Where’s i?

I looks around in a panic.

I
Let me go get him. I think he’s in the bathroom.

I hurries off to the bathroom.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Why is it that you all go missing all the time? Can’t everyone just show up and stay put? This happens all the time!

T
(from the crowd)
Why is that my mini-me looks like a cross? Not only are you stealing my work but you’re stealing work from Jesus?

People start laughing. t doesn’t know what to do. He looks down at the ground.

U
(from the crowd)
At least your mini-you looks different from you. Mine is just me but shorter.

More laughter. u also seems embarrassed.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Everyone calm down. This is how it is so quit your bitching. It ain’t gonna change. You’re all millionaires for doing shit but standing in front of a camera. So shut up!

Everyone quiets down. Just then i exits the bathroom. He strolls up to the stage.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK, you’re here, but where’s I?

I
It’s OK, I said I could do his part for him.

PHOTOGRAPHER
No, we need a capital letter!

I
Can’t it just be me?

PHOTOGRAPHER
No! This is the start of a sentence. We have to be grammatically correct. We’re the god damn alphabet!

Just then, n sneezes! Right on I’s neck. Can you guess what the one thing is that washes away I’s invisible paint? Yup, lower case snot. The paint starts dripping off and it becomes quite clear that this is I in disguise. His whole neck is showing now.

PHOTOGRAPHER
What in the fuck?!

I
I can explain.

U
I better explain. U serious!

T
I’m confused. Who are you even talking to?

E
Have you been posing as both a Capital Letter and a lower case letter?

I
Hold on...

E
You bloody snake!

T
Does nobody else think it’s weird when U and I have a conversation? Who did U want to explain?

E
If he can do it than so can I!

U
Yeah, so can I!

T
So can U or so can I?

Arguments and fights break out amongst the letters. Until J steps out of the shadows.

J
Wait! I’ve been doing it too. I’ve been borrowing some of I’s invisible paint. I didn’t have enough jobs, as usual. I needed the money.

B steps forward.

B
I sent b on a plane ride to Hollywood, in the cargo trunk. I’ve been removing my head and posing as him.

F
I’ve been standing as a hunchback and pretending I’m lower case.

Y
I am sometimes a vowel. But I prefer the life of a consonant. It’s more satisfying.

PHOTOGRAPHER
So are we all fine here?

There is a moment of silence. And then an all out brawl breaks out. Letters flying and kicking and punching. This war will only be solved with bruises and broken bones. And that’s how this one ends.

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