Thursday, September 29, 2011

Idiots Of The World

Not only is this my 100th blog post but it’s also my 100th blog post in a row. I thought I should honor the special occasion by doing a post on what I love talking about the most. Idiots!

There are so many different types of idiots in the world. Here are some of the main offenders.

Cerebrius Simplicus - More commonly referred to as the Dummy. A Dummy does things without thinking. Acts on impulse. Doesn’t tend to listen to instructions or requests. Has a bit of a vacant brain. A good example of a Dummy is the guy who asked me if I wanted my receipt at Starbuck’s the other day. I said yes, he printed it out and held it as he turned around to tell another employee something. He turned back to realize he was holding my receipt and was not sure why. He asked, “Did you want your receipt?” Before my nod kicked into gear he answered himself, “No, right?” He then tore up the receipt and threw it out. “Have a nice day.” I guess I will since I don’t have to worry about that receipt I wanted anymore. Dummy.

Dangeronica Moronius - Yes, the Moron. The Moron does dumb things that tend to be quite dangerous. The Moron’s biggest set back is that it cannot gage the level of danger of any activity. Thus, any activity that seems fun is performed by the Moron. A good example of a Moron is the kid who decided to climb the ladder to the slide real quickly behind me so that he could go down the same time as me and push me down the whole thing! You know how dangerous that shit is, little kid? I don’t need a pair of LA Lights ramming up my butt crack as I land in the sand at the bottom of the slide. Moron! This kid grew up to get in a drunk driving accident and a downhill sofa race accident. If you have a Moron kid, that’s his future. Fix his Moron brain before it’s too late.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Animal-Ass-Hairstyles

Hairstyles come from all over. Ever think of the names and styles of them all? Ever notice that several of them come from animal’s asses? What’s that about? What are these hairstylists doing all day? Heading to the zoo for inspiration? But walking the backway? Let’s take a look at some of these animal-ass-hairstyles.

Here’s a popular one. Pigtails. Someone must have looked at a pig’s ass. Mainly towards the tail area. And they were half inspired. It wasn’t until another pig waddled over that they were fully inspired. Two! Two pig tails. Ah ah ah! Let’s make this a hairstyle! How about it’s like someone’s head is the convergence of two pig’s asses smushed together? I think that should be a hairstyle!

Here’s another one. The rat tail. Not sure how this became a hairstyle. Who thought that they should take the ass (the most unflattering part) of an animal that everyone thinks is gross and yucky?  An animal that has been commonly known to carry diseases. And put it on the backs of people’s heads. It’s become quite apparent how popular that one’s become. Good choice on that person’s part.

Ponytail! Hm, I would like to meet the hairstylist that came up with this idea, however I’m not sure which white van they reside in on the side of the road. Pedophile alert! A pony’s tail? Not only are you strangely looking at a horse’s ass, but you’re looking at a kid horse’s ass. I don’t care if it’s one in horse years but older in human years. Ain’t no way it’s even close to 18 human years! Thus making it illegal for you to stare at it’s behind. And then you stick it on the back of someone’s head? That should be...illegal...no? Yet, I see them everywhere.

OK, so if these animal-ass-hairstyles are popular, then we should be able to make some other ones popular. See below.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tigers Have So Much More Time On Their Hands

While I was going through my morning rituals my mind started to wander, as it usually does. I started thinking, how much easier would my life be if I were a tiger? I started to break it down, I would be wasting a lot less time it seems, being a tiger.

Morning rituals immediately get way better. No more shaving of anything. This goes to all genders, anyone who ever has to shave as part of a morning or nightly ritual, forget about it. Now, you’re a tiger and tigers don’t need to shave. That’s less time wasted.

Brushing the teeth? Nope. Tigers don’t care if their teeth are brushed. No one else in the tiger community has fresh breath so you don’t have to worry about being the stinky one. You’re all the stinky ones. Less time wasted there.

Taking a shower? That now consists of jumping in a nearby river and swimming around for a minute or two. Well, that’s way quicker! Also, while you’re at it take a couple gulps of water since this is also your source of drinking water. Less time wasted going to Target, buying a Brita filter, reading the instructions, setting it up, walking to the fridge and pouring yourself a glass of water. A tiger’s way of drinking is much quicker and more efficient. Also, it’s probably fun to do it during shower time.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Tipping Chart

My friend asked me a very good question today. How much do you tip a cab driver? You know, if you’ve never been in one, you wouldn’t really know. Most people have figured out how to tip waiters and waitresses and bartenders at this point because that’s something we all commonly do. But there’s lots of stuff we tip for that is not very clear. It’s not clear what the usual is and how much this person is actually working for a tip and how much they’re getting paid hourly and all that. We need some sort of tip chart or something. Maybe a class that everyone is forced to take in high school, a mandatory class to teach you how to tip once you go off in the real world. I’m probably not the best person to figure this all out, not knowing all these jobs well enough, but I’m going to attempt it.

Waiters and waitresses - These people generally make so little hourly money it’s embarrassing. Except for in the state of California I heard they make like 9 or 10 dollars an hour. However, cost of living is higher out here so it might even out but that still seems like bullshit to me. When I was a waiter in New Hampshire I made $2.35 An hour. I relied solely on tips basically. I think that’s how it is most places. Not even close to minimum wage, because you make a good amount in tips. Keep that in mind next time you’re out to eat. Most people probably already know this but for waiters and waitresses it’s like 15% if you think they did a decent job and 20% if you thought they were great and did everything they were supposed to. Keep in mind, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

A lot of the servers that worked with me used to complain when they only got 15% but they moped around, were slow, unfriendly, and didn’t do everything they were supposed to. They give the, “How am I supposed to live off of 15% tips?” I don’t know dummy. How are you supposed to keep your job if you don’t do it well enough? Don’t feel bad about giving a 15% tip if they deserve it. It’s still good enough. Oh and if a server ever comes and complains to you, the customer, about the tip, that’s total bullshit. Happened to me once. Me and my friends were at a Hooter’s and our waitress was about eight months pregnant. A lot of people said she’s lucky she got a tip at all. I didn’t go that far, but that is the last type of waitress you want at Hooter’s. Just saying. Anyway, she was not even decent, barely did anything for us. I remember us asking for silverware and then having to get it ourselves 10 minutes later. However, we didn’t want poor little Hooter Jr. To grow up in a world without shoes or food or proper education so we gave her 15% even though she didn’t even deserve that. Then, she yelled at us on the way out and said we did not tip her enough and demanded we come back and give her more money. My friends basically ran away and I, like a moron, had stopped to talk. My side of the conversation went something like, “Um, no.” And then I walked away. She kept screaming but I did not turn back. Many people were laughing at me but I want everyone to know that I did the right thing!

Moving on...

Cab Drivers - I don’t know what these guys get paid but most of them are way too pushy and rude and drive too dangerous to get more than a couple bucks from me. Does that sound stuck up? I tip better for the ones I like. You don’t gotta talk to me, just don’t scream at me. To my friend, I say, depends on the fare, but I think $3-5 is usually pretty good. No?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Unproductive Sundays

It’s funny to look at how much less productive I am on Sundays compared to other days. Especially during football season. During the off-season it’s bad enough. I only have bad television programming and that hungover feeling to keep me unproductive, half-dead, sprawled out on the couch. Let’s take a look at a bar graph depicting my productivity on Sundays VS. the rest of the week.

This graph took place during the off-season. This was created based off of accurate stats I had a highly-intelligent robot take, Productivity is on the left, the Y axis. You’ll see the numbers that seem to have no value at all. But they do. 100 is good. Obviously. Duh. 0 is bad. Also, you may notice that 0 is not at the bottom of the Y axis as it usually would be. That means you could even be less productive than 0. Negative number productive. That’s called, unproductive. So, Monday to Saturday I’m somewhere around 85-90. That’s pretty damn productive y’all. I don’t know if you knew that, but I am a hard worker...at what I want to work at. Now, look at Sunday. Kind of close to 50. Yeah, I’m probably pretty hungover there. Watching reruns of “That 70s Show”. Once I fully sober up I’ll get a little bit of work done. Probably draw some pictures for a future post. Take pictures of my underwear. For a future post. Or for whatever. Now, let’s see how things change once football season starts.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Canadian Football

OK, does anybody watch the Canadian Football League that can help me with some stuff? I understand it somewhat but a lot of it confuses me. For instance...

Before the snap, a ton of guys are allowed to start moving. And it’s OK. What is up with that? A bunch of receivers start running at the line before they yell hike. They get a running start? That seems unfair. Also, it seems foolish because now the defense knows exactly when the quarterback is calling hike. Just before the receivers cross the line of scrimmage. That’s what happens every time, so that basically eliminates offsides. I don’t know what that’s all about but in America, everyone basically has to stay put before the play starts. Common courtesy you guys.

I also noticed that it’s not “Offense” or “Defense” it’s “Offence” and “Defence”. What’s that all about? You guys just trying to be different. No we’re Canadian football so every chance we get to substitute the “C” for the “S” we do. The Canadian Way. You’re like the kids in high school that thought it was cool to use Z’s instead of S’s. As in “Skillz” or “Girlz”. I still see people writing like that when I go on facebook. And those people are still not cool. Some people say, why not delete those friends from your facebook? Well, it’s too much damn effort. And with the new layout I’m not even sure I know how to anymore. So, Canadian Football League, if you were my friend on facebook, you wouldn’t have to fear being deleted from my friends list, only ridiculed. Start spelling stuff right. Spelling stuff wrong on purpose is not cool. Unless this is one of those country to country things I’m not aware of. Like it’s “Color” here but “Colour” in the UK. “Neighbor” here “Neighbour” in the UK. “Grey” here “Gray” in the UK. But I’ve never heard of any spelling differences between the U.S. and Canada. With the exception of it’s “True Blue” here and it’s “Labatt Blue” there. If it’s not a rule, get your spelling together!

oh how about the placement of the field goal posts? Remember in the NFL when the field goal posts used to be in the middle of the end zone? And everybody used to crash into them and get concussions? It was super dangerous. Then, they smartened up and moved them to the back of the end zone and additionally, gave all the players helmets. Safety became a priority finally. Well, you guys got the helmets. What’s with the field goal posts? Move them back! They’re in the way! People are going to crash into them! That’s like building a field around a tree and not taking the tree down. Just move the damn thing, you don’t need an obstacle. This isn’t American Gladiators! The game’s hard enough as it is.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Weirdos At The Gym

I went to the gym yesterday. Seemed like it was just going to be a normal day, until I started to notice all the weirdos. I feel like every place I go there is at least one weirdo I notice. Usually more. If I don’t notice any weirdos, often times I look down and I’m the guy wearing pink sweat pants and yoshi slippers in the Starbuck’s. Oh it’s me who’s the weirdo this time. But honestly, most places I’m at there are some weird people doing weird things. I’m used to it. I always spot the weirdness. But this day at the gym, there was just so much weirdness.

First weirdo I noticed, in the locker room. He was getting dressed, took his hat off while he changed. He laid it down on the bench and I noticed on the underside of the brim of his baseball cap, he had drawn a hawk in black pen. The weirdest part, I thought, was that he wasn’t in seventh grade and it wasn’t 1999. Really? You drew a hawk on the underside of your hat? That is not cool, why do you think it is? Or do you not think it is and that’s why you’re hiding it underneath your brim? And if that’s the case then why did you bother to draw this? The guy finished dressing and before I could ask him about his hawkness he put his hat BACK ON and went to work out. Working out with your hat on? Why?

Another point, as I was on the mat doing ab exercises, I noticed a guy in front of me stretching. He wasn’t in there the whole rest of the time I was, which was about 40 minutes, so he must have just gotten there and was stretching before his workout. Seemingly. He stretched the entire time I was doing my shit. For like 20 minutes. Do you really stretch for that long? That can’t be necessary. He also made sure to stand directly in front of me the entire time. Awesome. Every time I do a sit-up, I get a close-up of your dick. Thanks. A lot of the time he wasn’t even really stretching. He was lightly pulling on something while checking himself out in the mirror. Dude, this is not your personal mirror slash stretchitorium. Get out of my way! Anyway, I finish up, go in the locker room, and grab my towel to go shower. As I head towards the shower, that same guy enters the locker room. He too grabs a towel and heads to the showers. Really? Did you come to the gym to stretch and check yourself out for twenty minutes and that’s it? Just gonna shower and head out now? You couldn’t have possibly even have broken a sweat! Why the shower?! Who are you?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Diary Entry: 14 - Bowser's In The Paintings?!

So, after fighting that robot and that elf and that electric rat and being praised as a winner for murdering them like I’m on goddamn Spartacus, I climbed down from that elevated death trap and finally got back to reality. Happened to be strolling past the castle again and one of the little Toad people runs up to me and tells me the Princess has been kidnapped by Bowser again. Seriously? Don’t you guys have any locks on your doors? Or any type of security? And that guy just helped me get her back from the ugly Boomer dude and he already is opposing me again? He’s going down.

I head into the castle and Toad convinces me Bowser is like inside one of the paintings. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Mario, were you tripping balls? Well, I must have been because I swear to you that I jumped at one of the paintings, and literally went inside of it! I ended up in some new world entirely! Crazy right? So, I’m going around through all the paintings they have in the castle. There’s a lot!

There’s one where I have to fight this giant Bob-omb guy because he’s a huge dick. He actually is really slow and less scary than the regular Bob-ombs. He doesn’t even have a fuse. Yeah he was a lame-o and I kicked his ass. So he coughed up this star. I keep collecting these stars by the way, which I think keep feeding me my high and making me think I’m jumping into paintings. However, I really think I am entering these new worlds. I must sound like I’m crazy, but they seem so real. Anyway, I’m going all over. This one under water level. Fighting a gigantic eel. I was in some levels with lava, of course, there’s always lava somewhere. I had to fight whomps and thwomps on this high up tower. Pretty scary, I hate heights. I even went to some snowy level. There was some bitch ass crying penguin screaming about how she lost her baby and she refused to look for it. She made me do it. Horrible parent.

Anyway, I’m running all around collecting all these stars and eventually one of the Toads is like, why don’t you try to go into that painting of Bowser. Maybe he’s in that one. Mind you, it’s been like 5 days of me going all around this damn castle, jumping into paintings collecting a humongous stack of stars and this guy never thought to tell me there was a Bowser painting until now. Yeah of course he’s probably in that one! Why didn’t you tell me to go into that one in the first place, moron? I would have skipped all this other nonsense. Of course he’ll hide in the one with his face on it. He’s a cocky moron! And why do you guys even have a painting of him?! He comes in and kidnaps the Princess every week! You paid to have a portrait done of him?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Facebook Is Acting Like A High School Girl

Facebook is becoming like that girl a lot of us dated in high school. Know what I mean?

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

TASHA walks in and sits down next to BOB.

TASHA
What do you think? Should I change my interface? I’m getting kind of tired with this current interface. Mandy’s mom is an interface dresser and she said she’ll change it up for half off. Or I could do it myself for even less money but then who knows if it will turn out OK? So what do you think? Should I change my interface?

BOB
What? No, it looks fine the way it is.

TASHA
I don’t want to look fine. I want to look great.

BOB
You do look great. Just leave your interface alone. I like the color and the...the style.

TASHA
You don’t think I need to change it?

BOB
No, it’s great how it is.

TASHA
So, you’d hate it if I changed it?

BOB
I’m not saying that. I’m just saying there’s no point in changing it. I love it how it is.

CUT TO:

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - THE NEXT DAY

Tasha walks in and sits down next to Bob with a different interface.

TASHA
So, what do you think?

BOB
You changed your interface?

TASHA
You hate it! Don’t you?!

BOB
No! No, I don’t hate it. I just wasn’t expecting it.

TASHA
You think it’s ugly don’t you?

BOB
No, it’s very nice. I like it. I like it.

Tasha quickly changes to all smiles.

TASHA
I knew you’d love it. Everyone does.

Seriously, facebook? How many more changes until you realize you’ve bleached the shit out of your interface and you got split ends and your roots grow in a diseased-brown now? It’s fine the way it was! You don’t have to change it again. Now, it just makes things more confusing for me. Shit’s all switched around. A ton of things got way huger. I don’t know what the point of that was, are you making this senior-friendly? Because I don’t think that’s your market right now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Mrs. Field's Fiasco

Attention Mrs. Field’s employees! Well, this mainly just goes to the one lady. Stop being an ass to me!

I go to the Mrs. Field’s across the street from where I work often enough. Often enough that I’m the mayor there! Via foursquare, but that might as well translate to real life. I actually just go there for milk. They sell milk, so does Subway, Mrs. Field’s is a shorter walk, and no other places really sell it. Figured out why I go there now? Anyway, I often head in there and have to deal with the lady being all pissy with me. Here’s how are latest transaction went.

INT. MRS. FIELDS - EVENING

STEVE enters, looking quite dapper and has a pleasant smile on his face. THE EMPLOYEE, an older lady, putters out from the back and seems mildly pleasant...at this point.

STEVE
Hi, how are you?

EMPLOYEE
What would you like?

STEVE
Could I get two of those blue milk bottles?

Immediately her somewhat-smile vanishes. What’s she thinking in her head? “Ah, this guy with the milk again.” Whatever, you should be happy when I buy anything from here whether it be cookies or milk or whatever! You sell it, I buy it! That’s how retail goes, woman! She goes back to the cooler and starts to put her hands on the blue milk CARTONS.

EMPLOYEE
Two of these?

STEVE
No, the bottles please.

She sighs. LOUD. Moves her hands to the RED milk bottles. Starts to grab two.

STEVE
Oh no, sorry. The blue ones.

She turns and looks at Steve like he’s crazy.

EMPLOYEE
I was just grabbing the blue ones, you said no.

STEVE
Yeah, not the cartons. I want the bottles.

She motions towards the bottles she’s already grabbing.

STEVE
The blue milk bottles. All the way to the right. The rightmost thing in the cooler.

Swear to God, her hands start to drift left, to the RED MILK CARTONS. No way! Are you serious?! That’s the opposite packaging I’m requesting surrounds my milk.

STEVE
No, the right. All the way to the right.

Monday, September 19, 2011

ExBroSive

How often do you see this?

The Fist-Bump-Explosion. Fist bumps are kind of funny when you do them with your friends as a joke. The explosion afterwards is so dumb too. Again when done as a joke, kind of funny. But in a world where people are trying to identify themselves with unique variations of handshakes and high-fives, the Fist-Bump-Explosion is all too often performed with serious intent.

The easiest way to tell if the Fist-Bumpers are serious...are they Bros? Do they smell of douchebaggery? How many popped collars lie below the exterior popped collar? The deeper their popped collars run, the deeper the “Bro” runs within them. Are they Fist-Bumping because one of them just hooked up with a chick? Bro. Is either one referring to the other as “Bro” nonstop? Obviously a Bro. Bros only hang with other Bros.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Jobs I Wouldn't Mind Having

Jobs I wouldn’t mind having.

I was thinking about this. What if I were a racecar driver? All I’d do is drive around in circles. Real fast. I already do that in my neighborhood when I’m looking for parking. Now, I’m getting paid to do it and I don’t have to worry about finding a spot. Eventually, I can stop in my guaranteed spot where other people do work on my car for free. This has ultimately made my “looking for parking” situation much better. Time to turn into a hick.

Or what if I were a food critic? I’ve tasted many types of foods. I can give opinions on them. You just get paid to say exactly what you think about the free food you’re eating. Free food? For a bullshit job! Anybody can do that. You just have to have a good vocabulary. Time to open up the dictionary and break out my retractable fork.

How about defensive coordinator for a professional football team? It’s just like picking defensive plays in Madden. I can do that. I already do that very well. Sure, I pick a lot of blitz plays, but I also control one of the safetys to make sure nothing crazy happens downfield. That’s basically all you got to do in real life. I can do that. Time to bring in my Madden highlight reel to somebody important.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Know What's Annoying?

Know what’s annoying? Pen life. You can never depend on a pen to last as long as the last one you used. They’re never the same and often seem to get shorter and shorter. For instance, I recently used a brand new soccerball pen. Wrote 62 letters and then it died. 62 letters? That’s all you had in you?! Nice life. You’re worse than a fruit fly. I hadn’t even finished writing what I had just started writing. What kind of work am I supposed to get done with that kind of pen? It’s almost useless. That’s like having a helmet that explodes immediately before impact. Or a shield that melts as soon as anything touches it.

Know what else is annoying? “Sex And The City”. Sorry to the fans but that is not the show for me. Being that I have decent to great taste. Watching “Sex And The City” is like watching a guy drown for 29 minutes. And then he finally gets out of the water and says something mildly funny about the whole experience. And then you’re like, “Well, I guess I’ll laugh at it. It would be rude if I didn’t. The guy almost drowned.”

Friday, September 16, 2011

2D Glasses

Tired of everything being in 3D as of lately? Movies, TV, video games, all of it’s being put in 3D. 3D used to be a once in awhile occurrence. Now it’s around every corner. What else are they going to make 3D? Oh and don’t forget half the time you got to wear the glasses!

Does this bother you hardcore, my friend? Well, I have a solution for you! Buy my 2D glasses! Put them on whenever you want! People watching stupid 3D movies? Put on your 2D glasses and everything is in 2D. 3D video game players in your midst with their special glasses on? You got specialer glasses! Put on the 2D glasses and shut out their 3D shit for good!

And my 2D glasses are more comfortable than 3D glasses. They won’t hurt your ears or smash into your forehead and they don’t leave undesirable lines on your forehead. You can even wear them out on a date. No one will be the wiser! In fact, have you been noticing literally everything is 3D? Like real life? Look out your window at the trees or buildings or houses. They’re all in 3D! Sons of bitches! Don’t worry. Put on my 2D glasses. Everything will stop popping out at your face like an annoying jerk.

They’re fashionable too. Get them in a beautiful array of colors!

We got black!

We got white!

We got the colored one! What are these? Green? Sure!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Diary Entry: 13 - Robot Boobs And Electric Rats

Dear Diary,

The princess is safe another day. I ate the stupid cake she baked for me. It wasn’t even good. Tasted like soggy cardboard. You know, I’ve watched all the action movies over the years, “Die Hard” “Broken Arrow” “Sahara”, whenever the guy saves the lady slash the world, he always gets the woman. You see them kiss or make out and you’re lead to believe they’re going to be intercoursing later, which I’m sure they will be. How come all I got was a gross cake I didn’t even want? That’s messed up!

Anyway, I left the Princess safe and sound at the castle. Or so everyone told me she’s safe. I feel like she’s gonna get kidnapped again. They have the worst security ever. It’s just a bunch of Toads. Oh, so I finally figured it out, there IS more than one. There was 9 of those little mother fuckers at my cake party, they were all wearing the same outfit and dumb spotted hat. Anyway, how are those guys supposed to protect her? Whatever, I’m walking back home from the castle and I get a little lost as I was daydreaming about what I really wanted from Peach. Did you know that’s her name? Peach! When the hell did everyone find that one out?

But it’s weird, I start walking through this...I don’t know...sort of arena area. I look around and I’m way high up. Apparently I climbed another castle all the way up to the roof without realizing it. And now I’m on a castle roof arena thing? Suddenly, a super loud voice starts screaming out, “3, 2, 1, go!” I have no idea where it came from, sounds like it was coming from every direction. Before I even get a chance to investigate the screamer, some elf-looking guy cloaked in green jumps out of nowhere with a sword! I dodge him as he’s slicing and dicing in my direction! What the hell, dude?! I don’t even know you!

As I regain my balance, some robot comes running by knocking me on my ass crack. I watch from the ground as the robot and the elf start duking it out. What the hell is going on? Should I be rooting for the robot because he was less rude to me? And how come that robot sort of has the figure of a woman? No time to figure that one out, because some giant yellow rat lunges at me from the sky and tackles me into the ground! Damn it! What is this place. I kick thing off of me, brush off my mustache, and stick my fists up. Shit just got real!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Results of Week 1 Football 2011

As many people are well aware, the first week of football just passed for this year. It was amazing, as always. Lots of great football action, a few close games and even a few upsets. Week 1 is always exciting because you never know how it will turn out. Know what else is really exciting? When you do what I do. Imagine the team names actually fighting each other. So, for instance, the Giants VS. The Redskins was one of the matchups. As that was going on I was imagining a giant man fighting against a man with red skin. Or racistly, a Native American. Sorry, that’s how it goes. A lot of racist sports team names. But it makes it so much more exciting! Giant man VS. Native American. Epic battle. Somehow the Native American managed to take down a giant man all on his own. Quite astounding. So, I decided I would illustrate for everyone my favorite matchups for week 1. I also illustrate how the matchups resulted.

My first one I did here was the matchup between the Panthers and the Cardinals. This is how this one resulted...in my head. The Cardinals managed to rip out the eyeballs of the Panthers. And as we all know, once you rip out your opponents eyeballs, you have won the fight. Now, they can’t see anything, so it’s easy for you to crush them! So, that’s what happened here.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Batman's Shopping List

This is amazingness! I was in Wal Mart the other day and I noticed a tall dark man at the end of the aisle I was in. He held a list. I saw him put the list on the shelf, grabbed some eggs, left the list on the shelf and walked away. I was already starting down towards that end of the aisle so I quickened my pace. I got to the end, snagged his list off the shelf and rounded the corner of the aisle. I was about to yell out something cliche like, “Hey Mister! You forgot your list!” But when I turned the corner, the man was nowhere to be seen. Just the vast emptiness of Wal Mart and it’s employees’ sullen faces. And an odor that is unidentifiable. As is usually the case with that place.

Weird. Was that guy running or something? How did he get away so quickly. I look down at the list, unintentionally and start to notice the things he had on it. I found it to be very intriguing, so I took a picture of it to share with you all. Let’s take a look.

Look at this. Milk. Normal. Avocados. Pretty normal especially considering we’re in California. Bat shaped Halloween candy. Hmmm, I guess some people just really like that stuff. Eggs. Yeah, some him grabbing those. Normal. Fire extinguisher. Not too many people have to buy those on their Wal Mart trips. However, if you have a plethora of things to buy, Wal Mart is the place to come to. Toilet cleaner. Don’t we all need it? Then it starts to get really interesting, I thought. Meaty proteins. Who lists it like that? I guess someone who wants to make sure they have the meatiest proteins to eat after their workouts. Someone who’s really in shape. No carbs. Well, you don’t have to list it if you are NOT getting it. But now I know you’re on a no carb diet. Strange. Apples. OK. Grappling hook. Whoa! That was from left field. What do you need that for? Hard cup. Like so you don’t get kicked in the crotch? If you’re above the age of 10 and not a professional sports player, you probably don’t need to buy a hard cup. More dark clothes. That’s a weird way to list that. He was wearing dark clothes and I suppose he wants more. Maybe that’s all he wears. Wait a minute! Is this Batman?!

Monday, September 12, 2011

How Do Mermaids Reproduce?

How do mermaids reproduce? I always wondered this. I mean a mermaid is half person, half fish. So, I suppose a mermaid is created when a fish and a man mate. First off, let’s explore how that happens. Um, I guess that must be a big fish. Or at least a fish that gets around a lot. One that has a big opening for a fish hook or what have you. And the guy is like...super loney? Or maybe it’s a man fish and a lady human. Who knows? Anyway, that’s what makes a mermaid.

Also, something to note is that mermaids are always women. For some reason a male mermaid is never created. Maybe that’s why mermaids never procreate. They can only have lesbian sex with each other. And they can’t even scissor or do the other things lesbians do. Except kiss and wet hump. But mermaids could still mate with humans right? A male human.

In all the movies and TV shows it’s always the sailors the mermaids are luring. Are they having sex with them? Where do you put it? There’s just a fish tail there. Is their an opening somewhere in her scales? And if so, how do those scales feel? Ever eat the scales on a fish? They’re rough. Imagine them on a more sensitive area. That can’t be very good, if that opening is even there.

I feel like the reason everyone always warns the sailors to watch out for the mermaids is because they aren’t luring you for sex. They make you think they are. They bring you down under water. To their lair. You swim on in and then that’s where you realize, “Where am I gonna put it?” Then, the sailors probably think they’re just going to get some nice things done for them but then the mermaid makes it known what he’s really down there for. He is handed a hammer and nails and some paint and she puts him to work. He’s been brought down to help renovate her house! She probably wants to resell but needs to improve it before she puts it back on the market.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Invisible Day

For one day I was granted the ability to be invisible. All day. I didn’t even have to take my clothes off like most times people do when invisible. I did anyway. It made more sense. I always imagined I’d be naked when I was invisible. I always knew it would happen. You’re probably wondering how I was granted invisibility. I should probably spend some time explaining that.

I was wandering through the forest (you know that one forest in Los Angeles?) and I came across a fallen tree. Underneath the tree was a giant frog. He was trapped. He was about four feet tall, had a gray beard (or grey beard if you’re from London) and was wearing a purple hat. Looked beret-ish I think. Anyway, he begged for me to help him. I used all the strength I had and pushed the tree far enough to the side so that he could escape. He was very thankful and said for my kindness he would grant me invisibility for the day. It really didn’t make much sense at all but I was super stoked as I’ve always wanted to try it out. The next 24 hours were a blast! I’ll show you some pictures from all the shenanigans that went down.

Above is a picture of me punching a singer in the face. I was invisible at this concert, he was singing his version of Johnny B. Good. And let me tell you, Johnny B. Bad. He deserved that invisible fist to the mouth. Right during the first verse. He didn’t even know what hit him.

Now, here is a picture of me eating a poor boy’s sandwich whilst he holds it on his plate. And what else is going on here? Was his sandwich previously punched? Notice the peanut butter on the mean-looking man’s fist. I think we caught them post-punchus.

Look at me here! My mom always hides the samurai swords on top of the cabinets in the kitchen so I can’t get to them. I could climb up there but she always sees me and pulls me down. However, invisible...oh and I can climb up to the samurai swords undetected. Success!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

What Kind Of Step Dad Is Ashton Kutcher?

Do you think Ashton Kutcher is a cool Step Dad? Or do you think maybe he tries to hard to be a cool Step Dad? I’m thinking the latter of the two. I bet he thinks because he’s closer in age to Rumer Willis (Demi’s daughter) than he is to Demi Moore that he can get along easy with her. I bet he’s like that lame-o Step Dad that thinks he can be best friends with her.

INT. DEMI MOORE’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Demi Moore and Rumer Willis stand near the front door. Demi opens the door. Ashton Kutcher stands there with a suitcase and a copy of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” with a bow wrapped around it and a tag reading, TO RUMER.

ASHTON
Hey there kiddo! Got you a present!

He hands her the movie. She takes it, turns, and throws it into a pile of Die Hard merchandise. It sinks to the bottom and is unseen.

ASHTON
And guess what else? I’m gonna be your new dad!

RUMER
Weren’t you in my Biology class?

ASHTON
Yeah. The second time I took it.

RUMER
Right.

ASHTON
We’re gonna have a fun time! We’re gonna play catch and build a house out of a deck of cards and maybe you can even teach me how to do my taxes! How’s that sound?!

RUMER
Sounds great. I’ll show you how to do that right after I show my Mom how to use Twitter.

DEMI
I want to be on Twitter so I can take pictures of myself while I’m topless but only showing my back so it seems like it has no point to it, but then I’ll also give it a caption that reads, “Remember, you’ve got your own back.”

ASHTON
Poetic.

RUMER
I don’t get it at all.

DEMI
It’s so that people will remember to be their own best friend and to find light and protection from within.

RUMER
Why don’t you just tweet that then?

ASHTON
I love it! But let’s skip all that and play catch first. Then, we’ll go out drinking because I just got a fake I.D.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Drop Dead "Drop Dead Diva"

So, the other day I was watching a bit of “Drop Dead Diva” (I’m not a fan, I literally had to watch it for work) and I became a bit aggravated with it. I understand enough of the show to get what it’s about. I mean, they explain it you real plain and simple at the start of every show. So, the main character was one of those stereotypical beautiful women (wants to be a model) who is sort of dumb and has a bad personality. But she is beautiful so lucky for her she lives in the U.S. That’s all you need to get far!

Then, she dies and comes back as this fat, ugly chick. And don’t say I’m mean or anything, the girl is literally cast for this. I didn’t come up with the damn idea. Anywho, comes back as a fat chick and you’re like, “Oh shit!” for a moment because it hits you. She’s going to have the same bad personality, only now she’s fat and ugly. She has nothing going for her now. No one’s going to give her a chance in modern America. The best she’ll get is someone mistaking her for a fat, ugly DUDE with a bad personality and give her a swift crack to the nose for being an ass.

I remember hearing about the premise and seeing a bit of some of the episodes and I could honestly see how people could enjoy this. It’s like that taste of medicine everybody wants to see the popular, hot bitches from high school get. Since your personality is ugly now you are too. Let’s see how shitty your life becomes. And you’ll deserve every mean thing that happens to you.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Diary Entry: 12 - Boomer And The Cake And The Other Guys

Dear Diary,

Nap time was great. We all got a great rest in Boomer’s hotel. The man may be a kidnapper and ugly as a sauceless meatball but he sure knows how to accommodate company. There was lavender under our pillows, a little trick I thought only Mama Mario knew about. Makes you fall asleep faster and easier. And a mint next to our beds when we woke up. It wasn’t there before so I wonder when it was placed there.

Anyway, me, the wizard guy, the marshmallow-frog thing, and Bowser climb the rest of the way to the top. We find this big room, it’s like the penthouse. Smells like cheese. Not like good cheese either, you know the good smelling kinds they serve you in fancy restaurants. Like the ones that come in an aerosol can and get stuck in your mustache real easy. Yeah, that plus butthole. This is the worst smelling penthouse I’ve ever been in. I mean, as a plumber I haven’t been in many penthouses. Technically, this is my first. The wizard assures me that penthouses don’t normally smell like this though. As we enter we see the ugly guy! I can tell the smell is coming from him. He just looks like he would have that odor. He’s got the Princess by his side and he’s trying to force wedding cake down her throat.

Oh hell no! That loser ain’t marrying my Princess! And he sure as shy guys ain’t feeding her cake! Not even a delicious looking cherry type cake. I charge the guy and all of a sudden these two clowns pop out of nowhere and start muscling me. They push me away from him as he laughs maniacally like Biff in that part of “Back To The Future” when Lorraine thinks he’s going to break George’s arm. Only I can’t do a stellar punch to his face from back here. Not only are the clowns double teaming me, but I have a fear of clowns! Luigi always dressed up as a clown for April Fool’s Day and pretended like he killed our parents. I have a feeling that’s where the fear stemmed from. Anyway, I’m paralyzed with fear!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Drink Milk, Dummy!

Today I drank three glasses of milk. I also had a coffee, four glasses of water and one glass of Cran-Pomegranate juice. My liquids are doing good. My levels are high. Especially on milk. Match me up against any Joe Schmoe and I’d probably beat him up. Against a lactose intolerant schmoe, I’d ruin him. I got all my milk powers at my disposal. He’s got nothing.

You can see my milk bar is way high. That gives me the Scary Dairy. They call it that because it gives you magical powers that are so strong, it’s scary. My water bar is looking good too. Keeping me hydrated. It’s like my life bar. For all the gamers, my HP. Making my milk bar my MP. Milk powers, magic powers, whatever you want to call it. The juice bar is basically my regular attack bar. Looking decent. The coffee bar is my weakness bar. It’s not too high so there’s not much anyone can do to me.

Watch me beat up a guy with milk powers. I’ll blast a hole in his bones! Regular or lactose intolerant, most people don’t drink milk as much as I do. I love the stuff. I drink it with my meals and I drink it for taste! I don’t put milk in my cereal. I just drink it on the side! Keeps it fresher and stronger. I’ll shoot a milk ball like a hadouken. Knock my foes through walls. Rearrange their faces with a milk mustache.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

When The Underwear Comes Alive

When people become suspicious of their maids and nannies and significant others they set up nanny cams. They want to know what’s going on in their house when they aren’t there. I really don’t have much to suspect but I wanted to set one up myself. Those things are damn expensive though, so instead I got a lesser version. It’s a few different cameras you get that you can set up in different spots around the house. They take pictures periodically, in hopes to catch some activity. I thought, why not? Let’s see what happens when I’m not home. As you can see by this first picture, it’s a good thing I decided to do this. Apparently, when I’m gone, the underwear jumps out of the underwear drawer and starts a ruckus. This guy right here hops out of the drawer first, starting everything off. He strips down to himself, turns on some Bob Seger, and starts dancing around like a damn fool.



These two sneak off into the corner immediately and get under the covers. The hanky panky begins. This is only a shot of afterwards, as you can tell they seem tired from some “activities”. This explains the smoked cigarette in my bed the other day.

This sad pair of underwear climbs up to the window and stares out in the distance hoping to catch a glimpse or a whiff of the ocean. A sailor’s underwear he used to be. He misses those days, thrashing around on the seven seas, the salty wind smacking against your face-er-waistband.

Monday, September 5, 2011

I Believe "Captain Planet" Was A Metaphor For What Our People Think Is The Best Defense Against A Robot Attack

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of disasters that could happen that we are not ready for at all. If Dinosaurs come back to life, like “Jurassic Park” style, what are we going to do? I know I’ll be fine, because I’ve been practicing my defense tactics. At least with dinosaurs you best defense with about half of them is just not being a plant. You’re not a plant, great, half those dudes won’t eat you. Another good percentage you just have to not move when they see you. Real easy. By the way how’s the T-Rex the king of the dinosaurs when he has the tiniest little arms that can’t do anything and really bad vision. If that were a kid in elementary school everyone would make fun of him and he’d be the least popular kid at school. I don’t know why that works differently with dinosaurs.

Oh well. Not being a plant and not moving has already protected you from being eaten by about 65% of dinosaurs. What about raptors? Well, the kids in “Jurassic Park” made it very clear if you hide in some extravagant kitchen with reflective drawers and cupboards you’ll be just fine. So, that’s what I’m doing when the raptors come. Hiding in a four star kitchen. And as for the rest of the dinosaurs, well I don’t know. I suppose I can research their weaknesses since “Jurassic Park” didn’t have time to touch on them all. But that’s a pretty good start.

Robots are another scary one. Do people know what they’ll do if robots come back. I bet you don’t because you all rely on your machines. But I don’t. And I know heart always wins against robots since they don’t have hearts. I think some people know that too. I believe “Captain Planet” was a metaphor for what our people think is the best defense against a robot attack. 5 kids. 5 different methods. One is heart. That’s 20% of the world that knows heart will stop the robots. 20% of us that will live when that time comes and the rest will not. Well, I suppose the 20% who believe water will work are right. Water will malfunction their wiring and circuit boards. And fire is right too. Set fire to a robot and it’s done for. But wind and earth? Come on, what are you guys gonna do to the robots. OK, so 60% of the world is ready to fight against the robots. That’s not a bad percentage.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sock Monster


I swear that there is something sneaky going on when I do my laundry. I never notice anything suspicious when I’m unloading my laundry, only when I’m putting it away. Or when I’m getting dressed one day. And it’s specifically always with the socks. My socks just disappear. Sometimes whole pairs, sometimes just one from a pair. And often times I acquire socks that are not mine. These usually come in ones.

I was wondering if someone in my apartment complex was opening up my laundry as it was washing and fishing through for a new sock. Like this guy who hates routine, needs change in his life, so he goes into the washing machine whilst it’s washing and grabs a single sock. Then, he takes a similar one off his foot and throws it in there. Because that’s the thing is that the socks are never completely different, they’re always very similar. If I lose a white sock I obtain a new white sock. Same with black socks. I’ve definitely acquire socks that go halfway up my shin and I know for a fact I don’t buy those socks because I don’t play soccer anymore and I’m not over 80.

But then I realized, it couldn’t be some Anti-Rainman switching socks on me because it’s been happening to me almost all my life. No matter where I’ve lived. So, I think it’s a Sock Monster. Probably several of them. And I think I’ve figured out how they operate too.

They’re really weird looking socks. Usually ugly socks. They’ve been accidentally bought due to misleading packaging and because aunts and grandmas don’t know what cool socks to buy for their nephews/nieces/grandkids. Eventually, one of the two uglies has been lost (or tossed, or burned, or exploded) so the other was not needed anymore. Not the type of sock you want to intermingle with the other cool socks. So it’s been left to die on the side of the road. Tossed out of moving cars, fallen out of sleepover bags, filled with ice cubes and thrown at the annoying neighbor who pronounces it “Ec-scape” and never stops talking about “Star Trek”. Yes, these socks have been abandoned. And they’ve become bitter with time, transforming into Sock Monsters!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Stuck Together


FADE IN.

INT. BLAKE’S SMALL APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY

BLAKE, early twenties, dressed a bit sloppy, sits alone on his couch. He examines his hand. His phone rings. He picks it up.

BLAKE
Brian! What’s up?

CUT TO:

INT. BRIAN’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

BRIAN, also early twenties, dressed well, drives while on the phone.

BRIAN
Yo Blake! I got good news!

BLAKE
(from the phone receiver)
You got me a gig?

BRIAN
Even better. I got us a gig. Well, Charlie did. He’s doing it too.

CUT TO:

INT. BLAKE’S SMALL APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

BLAKE
Awesome! What is it?

BRIAN
(from the receiver)
We’re applauders. People at a show and we’re going to be doing a lot of clapping. It pays a grand for the night. Six P.M. til midnight.

BLAKE
Sweet, man!
(examines his hand more)
Hey, what do you use to remove warts?

CUT TO:

INT. BRIAN’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

BRIAN
That wart freezer stuff.

BLAKE
(from the receiver)
No, that stuff’s too expensive. There’s gotta be something else.

BRIAN
I don’t know, man. I gotta go though. I’m driving. I’ll meet you at your place in a couple hours.

Brian hangs up the phone.

CUT TO:

INT. BLAKE’S SMALL APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Blake tosses his phone on the couch. Examines his hand once more.

BLAKE
There’s gotta be a different way.

INT. BLAKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY - EVENING

Brian strolls through the hallway on his phone.

BRIAN
Yeah, I’m here now. About to go in. Head over as soon as you can. OK. Bye.

He hangs up the phone. Walks up to a door that is SLIGHTLY AJAR. It’s Blake’s door. Brian peers in.

BRIAN
(calling)
Blake?

BLAKE (O.S.)
Yeah, come on in!

Brian enters slightly confused.

INT. BLAKE’S SMALL APARTMENT, KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Brian enters. Pushes the door ALMOST CLOSED behind him. Looks into the living room. Sees Blake sitting on the couch, hands PRESSED TOGETHER.

BRIAN
What are you doing? Praying?

Blake makes a face of self-disappointment.

BRIAN
(extremely concerned)
What?!

Blake doesn’t answer.

BRIAN
I know that face, Blake! You’ve only made that face twice in your life. Once when you crashed my car and the second time when you farted in the elevator in the Empire State Building. That face only means disaster! Why are you wearing that face?

BLAKE
My hands are glued together.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Inventive I


No one saw it coming. But when it came, it came fast. (Haha) I’m speaking of course, of the lower case letter movement. Suddenly, the letters themselves were not enough. Sure they were gaining capital, but were they gaining too much capital? That’s why they became known as the Capital Letters. The movement coming in was trying to screw the Capital Letters out of a bunch of their jobs. E was pissed, being the letter who makes the most money. He’s made a living off being Silent E, and now they’re taking that away from him.

INT. E’S MANSION - MORNING

E stands opposite a POLITICIAN.

E
You can’t do this to me! Now, the only time I’ll get work is when I start a word?

POLITICIAN
No, that’s not true. Headlines in newspapers will still be all capital letters. Signs as well. Lots of other stuff. We’re basically just using the lower case letters for stories. Books and articles. That sort of stuff.

E
That’s still half of my work.

POLITICIAN
It’s what the public wants. The Scientist already started creating lower case letters. Yours was done last night.

E was outraged. e was sent to his house for a meet and greet. E was not happy. Everyone knew when e left his house with a black eye. For being the type with a monacle and a cigar E is surprisingly bad ass. E called the other vowels on a conference call letting them know about what had happened. He was tightest with the vowels so he told them right away. He was the only one who knew beforehand. The Politician told him since he was the highest regarded of all the letters. Why is a Politician in charge of all this? I don’t even get that. E told A how their lower case duplicates were already created. B’s, C’s and D’s were done as well. I took notice to what was going on. He was intelligent. He was inventive. He could come up with a way around this. So, he went and invented invisible paint. Seems like a weird thing to go and spend his time on in a crisis like this, but it had reason.

INT. SCIENTIST’S HOME - NIGHT

The SCIENTIST is working on lower case f. There is a knock at the door. He stops in the middle of his work. Answers the door. There stands i.

SCIENTIST
Who are you?

I
I’m i.

SCIENTIST
How is that? I haven’t created you yet.

I
The Politician must have forgotten to tell you. Some of us lower case letters already exist. So, you don’t have to create me.

SCIENTIST
Well, I suppose that helps me. Thanks for letting me know before I got to you.

And that was that! I painted his neck with the invisible paint he had invented. Thus making him look entirely different. A lower case version of himself! Smart thinking. Now, every time they need capital I or lower case i they come to the same guy, and they don’t even know it! Genius! Until of course Inuit appreciation day.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Diary Entry: 11 - Ugly Boomer


Dear Diary,

My team is falling apart! Luigi says he can’t help me right now because he just remembered he left some bruschetta in the oven and he doesn’t want it to burn. He runs back home in a hurry and I suppose I understand. Burnt bruschetta is pretty bad. After he runs away I turn back and Toad is gone. Straight vanished like a damn ghost! Can’t believe that guy. Well, at least I won’t have to listen to him anymore. And Yoshi runs off to help these other colored Yoshis. Says there was some sort of problem back on his home island he had to tend to. Damn! That leaves just me! Wario’s still crying like a baby but he at least manages to tell me between tears that he saw which direction the Princess was taken. I’m not sure how true this is, but it’s all I have to go on, so I start off in that direction. Southeast I believe it to be.

I leave these failed, ridiculous, crying bad guys behind, and start on another mission. Like a fucking man! Then, I feel a claw on my shoulder. I turn and it’s Bowser. He’s all like, “Nobody should be kidnapping the Princess but me. I’m helping you find this guy, and crushing him!” Sure, I suppose that’s cool. As long as he doesn’t fuck with my swagger. Princess.....whatever her name is...is mine when we get to her. We keep walking on, leaving the dirt stadium behind, which by the way was a garbage track. Then, we come across these two guys, one is like some sort of marshmallow poof who claims to be a frog. I don’t know, I don’t ask questions about people and their identity crises. And the other guy has a blue cape and hat, looks like a wizard.

Anyway, they say they saw some ugly dude carry a Princess screaming and kicking all the way up to some tower. They show us the way. Nice guys! We get to the bottom of the tower and we look up. That shit is a long way up! The marshmallow-frog and the wizard say they’ll help us get this Princess back since they have nothing else to do. They were just talking about some Star Lane or something beforehand but they were like, “Whatever, we can get back to that philosophical shit later.” Sweet! New team! That didn’t take long!