Friday, August 26, 2011

You Gotta Work For It

Do these people who lose weight by letting a machine vibrate like crazy around their waist really feel good about their weight loss? I don’t see how they do. You know what I mean? There’s all these “easy” ways to lose weight out there. All the corny ass commercials. Strap this shit to your waist and it vibrates at two hundred miles per hour around your stomach and you can sit down and eat a candy bar and watch “The View”. Don’t worry about doing any work. That’s not necessary. They got all these other “easy” weight loss solutions because people don’t want to have to work for their weight loss.

But that’s how you lose weight! And how are you supposed to get any satisfaction out of the easy way, fatty? That’s like strapping a fitness instructor to your midsection and letting him work out a ton until you lose weight. You can’t feel good about that! Sure afterwards you’re thin but you know you didn’t work for it. If someone asks how you lost forty pounds, wouldn’t you rather be able to respond with, “Yeah, I actually got up off my fat ass for once and ran around the block.” Nope, your response is, “I used that thing similar to what they think killed Bruce Lee and I’m just hoping it burns fat without burning me. If that didn’t work I was just going to save up more money and get it sucked out of me with a vacuum.”

Here’s the thing. You’re skinnier now but it’s still very apparent you’re lazy. Being fat is a clear sign you’re fat. Being on one of those commercials for the stomach shaker thing is just more proof you’re lazy. Don’t you want to prove to people you’re not lazy? Wouldn’t that spell out satisfaction for you? Or are you still watching “The View”? Maybe during a commercial, you say? So, you’ll work out for 4 minutes. That’s good. Then eat a Snickers afterwards for nourishment? Oh right, right. I forgot the nuts in it count as protein. Good after work out choice. Though I’m sure your four minute work out consisted of you walking to the cupboard, grabbing the Snickers bar, and then attempting to open the packaging for awhile. I know, I know. Sometimes those wrappers can be a bitch to open. First off, you don’t know which way to tear it. Do I pull the sides out like it’s a bag of potato chips or do I tear down the side? Well, once you’ve made the wrong decision it’s clear which way is the right way, however now the packaging is fucked up from you pulling the wrong way. Now, you can’t even open it that way!

OK, calm down tubbs. No need to get sweaty over a Snickers bar. So, what are you doing now? Tearing at it with your teeth? I suppose that works sometimes but it just looks like you’re so stricken with fat man hunger that you don’t care if you eat some wrapper so long as you get some Snickers bar in your belly. I’ve never been one for opening packaging with my teeth. Doesn’t work for me. Then, you’ve tried to open it with your teeth, failed, need to try another way, but you’ve gotten saliva all over it. And what’s harder to open then a wet wrapper? One you’ve been tugging at for an entire commercial break too. time for the scissors.

And you have copped out again! Won’t exercise on your own, won’t even open your fat ass Snickers bar on your own. You are always looking for assistance! And that’s why, when the batteries run out on your paint can shaker for your fat fucking belly, and you are too lazy to get replacements, you will get fat again. Because you will always be lazy. Maybe you’ve lost some weight recently and I’m still trying to, but I’m attempting it with good old fashioned exercise. Some running. Some competitive sports. Some weight lifting. Some stair mastering. That’s right, I have mastered the stairs. Stupid thing to have mastered, sure. I know that’s just you lashing out. But what have you mastered? Besides unimpressment. Not even a word, I know. The only thing you have mastered is not even definable.

So, what are you going to do about all this? Are you going to prove me wrong? Do some good old fashioned exercise? Actually work for your weight loss? Prove you aren’t a useless lazy slob of a kinda-person? Or are you just going to beat me up with your newfound fit body since I’ve been a pretty big asshole? That’s fine. You do that. And I’ll take the beating. And then I’ll wait. I’ll wait until the batteries on your shit-shaker have run out. Then, I’ll wait the extra month it will take for you to get fat again. Then, I will come over to your house, grab all the Snickers bars and run! Good luck catching me chubby! I win!


  1. HAHAHAHAH don't forget the "Miracle Weight loss Pills" that basically just make you shit uncontrollably. The only weight you're losing is poop weight. Which could range from 5lbs-20lbs depending on how much of a fat ass you are.


  2. OK WTF.. When I post a comment I have to do that word verification thing and it's always just random ass letters. My mess of letters for my last comment was, and I kid you not "HOMOJ0" That will never happen again sadly

  3. HOMOJ0? Ain't that the guy that invented weight loss pills? Must be a secret message. Telling you to buy some. Internet thinks you're lazy. I mean, you are using the internet, you could have run to me and told me all this...