Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass? - Part 3

OK, folks. It’s time for the finals of Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?! Finally! Last week we had some crazy intense matchups. Bruce Willis adding insult to injury when he not only murdered Sam Jackson but he straightened his jerry curl hair. Is that how you spell jerry curl? Who cares? The shit’s extinct now. The only man left in the world to have them, just got straight murgolated and his hair got straight straightened as well. Oh and Will Smith killed Dwayne Johnson’s ass. Well, actually he killed him with his own ass weirdly enough. Oh, you didn’t read? You should go back and read the semi-finals to see what happened. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the finals! Mo let’s take a look at the bracket, Mo!

(All in an English Woman’s voice) Above you will see how the competitors have dwindled down. Bruce Willis and Will Smith are the only two to have won all their battles and are now the last two standing. They will be facing off against each other in just a moment. Now, they’ve had a week to lick their wounds and pump some iron. They should both be back in primo condition and ready to fight. They’ve also had time to strategize and it will be interesting to see how each of them decided to approach this matchup.

Thank you Mo. Yes we’ve all been wondering who each fighter will pick. Will Smith started off as Agent J from “Men In Black” and then fought as Hancock from “Hancock” in the semi-finals. He still has quite the array of characters to pick from for the finals. And there’s Bruce Willis who has surprisingly not picked John McClane yet. He started off as Butch Coolidge from “Pulp Fiction” and then followed it up with Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski from “The Whole Nine Yards”. A boxer and a hitman. Not bad choices, I think most people have just been surprised.

Oh my God! Oh my God! The results are in you guys, shut up! Will Smith has just walked out onto the battlefield as Mike Lowery from “Bad Boys”. Oh shit! And now opposite him walks out Bruce Willis as John McClane from “Die Hard”. He must have just been saving his best for last! I think both of them were actually. Smart choices. Oh and guess what else! Cop battle! Holy guacamole canoli! This is intense. Immediately the wind begins to pick up. As if a sign from the gods that all the other gods who aren’t paying attention need to put their worlds on hold and come watch this shit. The setting is a parking lot outside of a mall. Shopping carts begin blowing by the wind is so strong. A smart car even gets blown out of the parking lot and into the road. All the other big boy cars stay put though. And so do these two soldiers. They are eyeing each other down. John McClane takes a CD out of his pocket. It’s Will2K by Will Smith.

Picked up your CD at the mall right here!

John throws the CD on the ground and stomps on it with his foot. It immediately lights on fire and then turns into smoke and blows away. Mike Lowery reaches into his pocket and pulls out a CD as well. It’s Bruce Willis’s CD “The Return Of Bruno”. Yeah, you probably didn’t know he made music. He’s got a couple CD’s I think. This particular CD has a song “Respect Yourself” on it, pretty decent. You should check it out. Not many people know he has music out there.

Yours isn’t very popular. I wasn’t able to find it at the mall.

He throws it on the ground. Stomps on it. His boot actually turns it to vapor without hesitation.


You son of a bitch!

John charges Mike and spears him. The two manage to fly through the air for fifty feet without touching the ground and smash right through one of the outside walls of the mall. They smash through and into a sports store. They get up and Mike Lowery throws a punch. In the nose!

You got a problem with Mike Lowery, well now you got a problem. I say, fuck err’body that got a problem with Mike Lowery!

Finally, these guys are quoting themselves correctly. Another punch is delivered to Mr. McClane’s face. This one in the eye. He falls back. Mike stands over him and receives a John McClane kick to the stomach. John sweeps his legs and brings him down. He races to the baseball section and grabs a bat. Mike Lowery gets back up to see the crazed McClane rushing at him with a baseball bat raised. Mike grabs a baseball glove and slips it on in a fraction of a second. As John swings the bat down with a force most mere humans are unaware exists, Mike raises his gloved hand. He catches the bat and stops it. He begins to crush it with the sheer force of his awesomeness. The bat begins to bend and just as it almost looks like a saltless pretzel he smashes it back into John’s face. John stumbles back towards the register. A scared employee shivers alone. He sholuldn’t have picked this shift up. He now realizes why the guy giving it away was also offering two hundred bucks for anyone to take it. He knew scary shit would be going down in the area. John grabs the cash register and lifts it up. He rips it in half like a piece of paper and throws one half at Mike. As Mike catches the one half, John throws the other half at his head, sending him sprawling to the sports store floor. By the way, tons of money from the cash register is flying all over the place. It looks really cool.

Free money!

The employee is suddenly not scared. He jumps over the counter with his eyes in the air, watching all the falling money. He holds his hands out, ready to collect as much money as he can. John snaps his fingers and all the money lights on fire in the air. As it burns the employee grabs his water bottle ready to douse the flames. Mike does a grunt cough which freezes all the water in the bottle, preventing it from coming out. The employee looks at the two befuddled.

No matter what, we will not let you steal money.

We’re police officers, bitch!

The employee’s brain liquifies inside his head and pours out of his ears. He collapses to the ground. John picks him up and hurls him across the room at Mike. Mike hops up and throws a karate chop forward through the air, slicing halfway through the dead body. Both halves fall to the ground and Mike quickly advances towards John. John starts towards him and they both throw a punch at each other, connecting on each other’s jaws at the same time. As they hit each other it creates a seismic wave that runs through the entire mall. The vibrations slide through the record store, knocking a record off the shelf and onto a turntable. A quick record scratch is heard and then “Eye Of The Tiger” by Survivor starts playing.

Take note that neither of these two cops have drawn a gun yet. They start trading punches and elbows back and forth. The music continues on. John notices Mike’s clothes. They’re actually really fancy.

Nice clothes. Did you get them with your trust fund money?

This sets Mike off. His pupils turn red and steam billows out of his ears. It’s just like a Looney Tunes cartoon, you can even hear the sound of the train whistle. His veins bubble up and he uses both arms and grabs John. He picks him up over his head. John is not worried at all, in fact he’s smiling. He reaches above him as Mike has lifted him in the air and grabs the grate from the air ducts above them. He rips it clean off and smashes it over Mike’s head. Mike drops John to the floor and staggers back. His head circles around as his eyes roll into the back of his head. The noise of birds tweeting surrounds his head.

Yippee kai yay...

Mother fucker.

Will pulls his pistol out and shoots from the hip while still in a daze. John pulls his pistol out at the same time. He catches the bullet Mike shot in the barrel of his gun and then pulls the trigger firing both his bullet and the previously shot bullet. They both fly out in a flying V shape direction and pierce right through the Fresh Prince’s eyes. The bullets exit out the back of his head. All of Will Smith’s blood starts spewing out the back of his head. It is gold colored. It is then determined that his blood is actually just liquid gold. Which isn’t too surprising. Heart of gold, blood of gold. I mean, what else is your heart going to pump through your body. He is completely drained and lays flat on the ground like a deflated balloon.

He really was the better musician. But I’m the bigger bad ass!

He throws his gun in the air and struts out of the sports store which is not semi-destroyed with all sorts of gunk spilled all over and dead bodies laying about. As Bruce Willis walks out the sun actually descends through the ceiling of the mall just so he can walk into it’s sunset. So, it has been determined, Bruce Willis is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass! For now. Lots of people have given their opinions on who they thought should have been in contention. Since I only included 8 contenders in the first post, here’s what I will do. I will take suggestions from people if they would like to leave their comments after this post. Suggest whoever you think should be in contention. I will hold another competition if I can get at least 8 good suggestions. I need good ones people. And if there’s more than 8 I will pick the 8 I think are best suited. Then, when the winner of that competition has been decided, they will match up against Bruce Willis. But until then, Bruce you hold the crown. Do you even care? Probably not, you probably just want to hide from the real police seeing as how you’ve now killed three different people. And all highly paid celebrities at that. Well, the crown is yours for now. Savor it! It’s a tasty one.


  1. I'm kind of sad Will Smith lost. But I must say he did put up a good fight. And honestly... Bruce Willis is one mean looking mamma jamma

  2. I would like to see a bitch fight between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga LOL!

  3. Is this the same Anonymous as the one who commented yesterday? Do you now see why he held out on being John McClane? I mean, I'll admit I was surprised as well.
    Hmmm, your bitch fight proposition is intriguing...