Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass? - Part 2

OK, this is Part 2 of “Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?” If you haven’t read the first post you might want to go back and read it http://www.steveinevitable.com/2011/07/who-is-ultimate-movie-bad-ass.html otherwise this one might get a little confusing. I’ll do a quick recap anyway. Last week, 8 contenders, all hungry for the win. Some hungrier than others. Bruce Willis boxed up a storm and sent Sylvester Stallone to the canvas in one round. KO byatch! He progresses to the Semi-Finals. Samuel L. Jackson used his purple light saber on Jackie Chan to advance to the semi-finals. Kung fu proved to be inferior to a Jedi and his saber. Will Smith beat up on old man Harrison Ford who definitely had some fight left in him but just couldn’t seal the deal. The Fresh Prince advanced to the semi-finals. And finally the last matchup was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson VS. Vin Diesel. Don’t matter what “Fast Five” says, it ain’t true. Vin Diesel can’t beat up The Rock. If you went by everything “Fast Five” said, you’d also believe a bus pulling twenty-odd inmates and security guards, traveling 60 miles an hour, being run off the road by cars, crashing and flipping and rolling over like 6 or 7 times wouldn’t kill a single passenger on board. Bullshit! The real deal was The Rock, who I think we’re just supposed to call Dwayne Johnson now, killed Vin Diesel in a matter of seconds. Vinny’s a cool guy and he’s tough no doubt, but I’m sorry! He doesn’t win that fight! Anyway, Dwayne moves on to the Semi-Finals. Now, if you take a look down at the bracket below you’ll see the Semi-Finals matchups.

Over on the left you’ll see we have Dwayne Johnson VS. Will Smith. And on the right we have Bruce Willis VS. Sam Jackson. You might also notice if you are an astute observer that a couple of the lines have changed in the bracket. I corrected them as I realized I made a slight mistake. In the last post the lines traveled from Dwayne’s and Bruce’s spots to one of the finalist spots suggesting the winner of a battle between those two goes to the finals. And same thing with Will and Sam. That however is not the case. The matchups are Dwayne VS. Will and Bruce VS. Sam. They have been corrected now and I apologize for any confusion caused from the switch. This is the right way though. Take a look at March Madness brackets, this is how they lay them out. However, they can’t add the Bruces or Wills or Sams or Dwaynes as they would have unfair advantages over the Purdues and the Gonzagas and the Dukes and the Kentuckys what with their sheer awesomeness. Anyway, enough of that talk. Back to this real bracket which is super important in today’s current events.

First matchup we will see. Will Smith VS. Dwayne Johnson. Will was Agent J from “Men In Black” last round so he cannot do that this round. He chooses to be Hancock from the movie “Hancock”. Tough guess on the movie, right? And Dwayne Johnson, as you know from my rambling on in the first paragraph, was Luke Hobbs from “Fast Five” so he as well cannot choose that character. So, he chooses The Scorpion King from, yup, you guessed it, “The Scorpion King”! Let’s watch this shit unravel. The Scorpion King starts waddling around like scorpions do. Looking all weird and junk and snipping his big claws around trying to intimidate Hancock. Hancock is steady sipping some Hennessee. He downs it in about a minute. The Scorpion King nears closer and closer and starts snipping at Hancock. He catches him with a snip cutting him across his belly. Hancock gets pissed and “Move, Bitch” by Ludacris starts playing from a boombox somewhere. He jumps up and starts flying around. He punches The Scorpion King in the eyebrows a couple times. He gets pissed as he can no longer do his patented move due to the damage. He’s in a permanent frowning state right now. He whips his tail at Hancock and smacks him down to the ground. They’re fighting in a desert by the way so there’s a huge cloud of dust that sprouts up as he hits the ground. Cool, right?

THE SCORPION KING
You welcome to Earth!

HANCOCK
Oh, hell no! I may not be that character right now but you cannot quote me! Not while fighting me! And especially not out of turn!

Technically Will Smith quoted himself out of turn last round but we’re not going to knitpick. Anyway, the music changes to just instrumental and gets really epic as some extra horns are added in. Hancock hops up and delivers a haymaker to the jaw of The Scorpion King. While he’s stunned, Hancock flies around the back end to his tail and rips it clean off his body. He flies back around, The Scorpion King is trying to chase him but is quite disoriented. He’s spinning around and around as Hancock keeps circling him, making him super duper dizzy. He finally stops and The Scorpion King turns enough to face him and then stops spinning. They’re face to face but The Scorpion King can barely focus. He has those little spinny cartoon eyes that look time warps he’s so dizzy! Hancock holds the scorpion tail high over his head...

HANCOCK
Elvis, has left the building!

No, Will that’s still out of turn...
Doesn’t matter. He thrusts it down slamming the stinger of the tail into The Scorpion King’s own head. It’s a crazy sight. The wind kicks up and lightning flashes but the thunder is actually just the sound of Freddy Mercury’s voice hitting a crazy high note. Aurora Borealis pops up out of nowhere and the earth starts to shake. Suddenly, The Scorpion King explodes into a million pieces and everything slowly calms back down. Whoa! That was insane! And guess what? Will Smith is heading to the Finals ladies and gentlemen. Who saw that coming? Anybody? OK, on to the next round.


And the next round is Bruce Willis VS. Sam Jackson! Wow! This is probably going to be hardcore! These two bad asses have been in several movies together. It will be interesting to see who they pick. Sam Jackson already played as Mace Windu last round so for this round he decided to be Jules Winnfield from “Pulp Fiction”. Oh shoot! Super bad ass! Bruce Willis was in that movie too, as Butch Coolidge. However, he already played as him last round so he can’t summon that bad assery up this round. Which was an interesting choice. I think a lot of people figured he’d be John McClane from “Die Hard” one of his most well-known roles. Well, we’ll see who he picks for this round. And the choice is in! That was a long wait! He has announced he is being Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski from “The Whole Nine Yards”. Interesting. Still hasn’t pulled out the John McClane trick. But The Tulip is a vicious hitman. So, we’ll see how this one turns out. The two walk to the center of their playing field, which is an abandoned office building, and shake hands. They got nothing but respect for each other. Admirable. OK, now they head back to their corners and get ready to kill each other. Jules starts reading the Bible and puts on his walkman. He apparently owns one. He’s bopping his head to the music of Queen. Fitting. The Tulip starts punching the wall in preparation. The two turn, look at each other, nod, and draw guns. The bullets start flying immediately and the two run through the room dodging the heavy fire. They both duck behind desks and fire over the tops of them for awhile. Classic stand off moment. The Tulip pops up at one point, Jules has stopped completely. He thinks he’s out of bullets. But then Jules pops up and they both fire. They both get hit in the right shoulder and fall back. They immediately get back up and face each other and click their triggers several more times except they’re both all out of bullets! They both get up, toss their guns to the sides and charge each other. Everyone reading this should instantly have a boner. Even females! What do they call that? Girection? For girl erection. Jules still has his headphones on. The Tulip reaches him and punches them right off, snatches them out of the air and puts them on his ears all in one swift motion.

THE TULIP
Good music Jules!

JULES
Give me back my mother fucking headphones!

Jules punches The Tulip in the stomach. The Tulip can’t hear Jules because of the headphones.

THE TULIP
What?

JULES
I said, give me back my mother fucking headphones!

Another punch delivered to The Tulip. This time in the chin.

THE TULIP
What?

JULES
Say what again! I dare you! I fucking dare you!

The Tulip instead grapples him and slams him into a nearby wall. They crash through it and land on the other side falling right into an abandoned desk. The desk basically explodes. As all the pieces of the wood desk fly off, they for a brief moment, spell out “AWESOME” in the air. The contents of the drawers had apparently not been emptied and they fall all over the two as they wrestle. The punches keep flying back and forth. Then, Jules realizes the desk that exploded must have been a woman’s because he sees a hair straightener lying on the ground. It is plugged into an outlet oddly enough and is on. The steam is coming right out of it. He wrestles his way on top of The Tulip and grabs the straightener. He jams the prongs around The Tulip’s neck, burning both sides of his neck. He squeezes it tightly, cutting off all air supply to The Tulip’s lungs. The Tulip can’t do anything. He is trying to pull the straightener away from his throat but keeps burning his hands on it. He can’t breathe. He’s practically helpless. His air supply is low. Ironically “Air Supply” just then comes on through the headphones for The Tulip to hear. A mixed CD with some amazing songs, Mr. Winnfield. Amazing. But also terrible because it’s going to work against you. It gives The Tulip motivation and hope. Just as it sings the first lyrics, “I’m lying alone with my head on the phone...” The Tulip is inspired. He grabs the desk phone, the whole big bulky thing, and whips it at Jules’s head. It smashes on his fro-y head and sends him falling backwards, releasing the burning choke on The Tulip’s neck. The Tulip quickly snatches up the straightener. He stands over him for a moment.

THE TULIP
Yippee kai yay mother fucker.

Does no one listen to the guidelines? You’re not supposed to quote out of character! Doesn’t matter. The Tulip drives the straightener straight through Jules’s forehead and out the back of his head. A whole bunch of steam and other junk spills out of his forehead. It’s a nasty sight. Bruce pulls the straightener out of his melon but before he leaves he adds insult to injury and actually straightens Jules Winnfield’s afro. Disrespect now. But it doesn’t matter at this point. Samuel L. Jackson is dead now, sorry Sam. Bruce Willis has won the semi-finals round and will advance to the finals where he will face off against Will Smith!

In case you needed to see the bracket again, there it is above. Will Smith VS. Bruce Willis. Finals. Get your popcorn ready. This should be one of the most epic battles ever. World War 2 vets might shudder in fear at what happens. If they read this. I’m sure they don’t. Well, they’ll have time to catch on to the Inevitable fever, because the finals will not be included in this post. They will be coming soon, so don’t you worry. Just make sure to check back for them. Because they will tell us who is, The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass!

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