Tuesday, August 9, 2011

What's New?

What’s new? What’s new? Did you hear there is a deaf man who recently filed a complaint against Empire Haven Nudist Park? They had a naturist festival which he apparently attended but he’s saying, or writing, that they disregarded his civil rights by not providing a sign language interpreter. Are you serious? Let’s break down why you’re crazy.

1 - They let you in and get naked, which you apparently wanted to do.

2 - You got to see naked people all day. A ton of them. More than you normally see in a day I’m sure.

3 - This is a sight-sensitive day and you’re complaining about hearing issues. Way to see the bad side of everything.

4 - And you got to live 65% of American men’s dreams. Seeing plenty of naked women but not having to listen to a word they say. Whether that’s your American dream or not, at least you lived someone else’s dream. And it’s not like not hearing anything made it worse. What the fuck could nudists possibly have to say? They spend all their time avoiding wearing clothes, they’re cutting themselves off from some of the best conversation topics. Pocket lint, button problems, things stuck in zippers, plaid. Come on. No one wants to talk to a nudist.

Here’s the deal buddy. You obviously wanted to be naked around lots of naked people and this beautiful country allows people to live out almost every weird fantasy they could ever have without any complaints. You’re mad because they didn’t bring a sign language interpreter? You really think that guy would be paying attention to anything? The messages you’d receive from him would go something like, “Boobs. Boobs. Vagina. Ass. Boobs. Ass. Vagina. Sandwiches? Boobs. Boobs. Is that really the line for the bathroom?” Really, you’re not missing much!

What else is new? Kate Gosselin has apparently been begged as of late by her kids to remarry. Really? People still care about this woman? She had a reality show, what, two years ago? Her and Jon and eight kids.

First off - reality shows are the dumbest and most mind-numbingly basic and mundane of all forms of entertainment. No one should have cared about you in the first place.

Secondly - the most fascinating part of that show was that the two of you had eight kids. The eight kids. Not either of the two parents. That’s not exciting.

Third - two years ago! And you’re divorced! Gah! Why does anybody still hold a camera near you? Even at family reunions I wish your own mother wouldn’t take pictures of you, my brain can’t fathom the idea of the paparazzi doing it.

Fourth - why do you kids want you to remarry? I don’t think any of them are over the age of 10 so they have not yet reached the age to have the ability to care for others, probably not their mom either. They don’t want it for you, they want it for them. They want a step dad because neither you nor your ex-husband do a good enough job taking care of them.

Fifth - because of my job I’ve actually seen the show. And after watching how you act...who would want to marry you? Especially with all that baggage. Sorry if it seems mean, but you treated your husband like another five year old. No wonder he left you.

And nobody better call this celebrity bashing because she is not a celebrity. No reality show “star” is a celebrity. This is just dummy bashing. Tip to you Kate. Stop trying to be on TV if you have no talents and life will go much smoother.

What else is new? Lots of football news! Who’s getting super excited for football? Did you hear Ricky Williams signed with the Baltimore Ravens? This is pretty big in the news. Not sure why it’s so much bigger than any other signings or trades or pick ups. Maybe because marijuana is even more illegal in Baltimore and it’s really surprising he chose them. I mean, Washington D.C. is right there. That’s where all the laws come from. Right? And Ricky Williams is going to be right there? How’s he going to get away with.....stuff? Maybe if he proves he’s better when he’s high the President will pass a special law for him. Oh wait, Obama is probably a Bears fan being from Chicago. Never mind. Ricky! Go to Chicago! You’ll be able to get away with more!

Know what else is funny about that? They have been mentioning in the news how he’s failed drug tests in the past. They know this is an issue. They’ve also been mentioning how he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which has apparently been treated with therapy and medication. Really? The guy who has problems with drugs is being treated with drugs? I bet it’s OK if he’s taking these drugs since they’re treating his borderline personality disorder. Hmmm, I wonder if he was “diagnosed” with this just so he would be allowed to take drugs. Borderline personality disorder? So, that’s not even a personality disorder. Borderline? I think I have borderline personality disorder. Personality disorder sort of suggests you have multiple personalities, right? So, what’s the minimum, 2? What’s on the border of 2? 1? I have 1 personality? Can I get some free weed, doctors of America? All a bunch of bullshit. Whatever it ain’t performance enhancing drugs. Doesn’t bother me. I just can’t wait to see the entire Baltimore offense resting on the sidelines drinking water and Gatorade except for Ricky Williams who has a gallon sized bag of Cheet-ohs. Getting orange dust all over his gloves. Those holding calls will be much easier to call on him, just look to see where on the other teams’ jerseys is the orange dust. That’s why they say they’re dangerously cheesy!

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