Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sitcoms Lie To You

There’s a lot of horse shit that happens in the land of TV. Especially in sitcoms I think. Think about all the times you watched something on TV and have had that, “Wait a minute moment” because something isn’t right. It could be anything. Something physical. Something about the history of the characters. Perhaps something about the timeline of events. Let’s explore a few things here.

“Roseanne”. Sure, the show was funny. But she was fat. And so was John Goodman (Dan). How come none of their kids were fat? The equation, I believe, goes a little something like, Fat + Fat = Fat or Fat + Fat = Super Fat. However, all of their kids were skinny. This doesn’t make sense. Anybody remember Punnett Squares in Biology class? Yeah, make one up for the kids in Roseanne based on their parents. They should just be born as little wads of fat probably. I assume the real kids those two would produce would look like little scallops upon birth. Kind of like this...

Gross, but a more true depiction. I think it is anyway. At least they were born with eyes and stick figure arms. I was afraid their bodies would be too fat to even develop those. They might not be quite so golden brown, but would still look just like a scallop due to their "I'm a wad of fat" nature. Serve them up on a plate and sell them overpriced! Roseanne’s kids with a twist of lemon and a hint of basil.

What about “Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air”? This series started off, and I had no problem with the family dynamic. Then, they got rid of the first Aunt Vivian (for apparently being a gigantic type bitch) and replaced her with a new one. She was fine and good and all, until you realized, “Hm, the new Aunt Viv is lighter skinnded.” That’s right, the first Aunt Viv was dark skinnded and it all worked out fine. But now there is a light skinnded mom and a light skinnded dad (Uncle Phil). They have Hillary, light skinnded, Carlton, dark skinnded, and Ashley, dark skinnded. Now, that I am to believe these are the two parents how am I to believe that these two light skinnded parents made two dark skinnded babies. It works, again, how the Punnett Square would show us.

It doesn’t work like paint, where you take two lighter colors and combine them and the overall new color is a bit darker. Even if it did, wouldn’t all their darkness be extracted on the one kid and they wouldn’t be able to produce another? I’d think after one they probably would only be able to produce white babies even. No way those two made TWO dark babies. That’s horse shit! Unless if Geoffrey had something to do with this all...

What about in the shows where people go missing? And it’s completely unexplained! That’s a kind of “What The Hell?!” moment. “Happy Days” originally started with three children. The oldest, a boy, loved basketball. His name was Chuck. He once went upstairs to go to his room and just never came down. No one was worried about that? No one was like, hey where the fuck is our brother or son? Is he ever coming down? Nope. He just stayed up there forever and they lived their lives. Going through school, getting jobs, getting girlfriends, jumping over 14 motorcycles or whatever the hell The Fonze did. No one tried to get this guy to come out of his room. See if he had anything to eat. Nothing. Just left him there. And what about the youngest daughter on “Family Matters”? Remember there was Eddie and Laura and then Judy. The youngest. After awhile she just didn’t exist. She never showed up. She went off to do, God knows what. And no one cared! If you look her up on (Jaimee Foxworth) you’ll see that she went on do films such as, “Booty Talk 20: Super Fine Sistas!” and “My Baby Got Back 29” as Crave. I guess she got into the adult film sequel business. Good to know. Always wondered where she went.

The point here is that sitcoms can be bullshit. Horse shit even! Shit from some type of wild animal, they can be. They try to pull the wool over our eyes all too often. But us hardcore sitcom fans see this happening. We see the smoke and mirrors stunts they’re pulling. And we’re wise to them. I understand genetics and how the missing persons system works. I know there’s loop holes if you’re in Hollywood, but it’s still shit. Human shit I say! Give me something real! Oh wait, what would that be? Reality TV? Never mind. I’ll take a sitcom that lies to me any day!


  1. That was an awesome read. I always wondered what happened to Judy. I forgot that her name was Judy, but I didn't forget that she disappeared from the show.

  2. Well, I am the knower of pointless sitcom trivia. Any other questions...lay em on me!
    And thank you!