Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore Italiano Time

T-Shirt Time!!! Yes, that’s right. That is the famed call of the Jersey Shore boys. Did you hear? They’re back with a third Italy. Oh Italy, are you in store for some shit. Remember all those people you sent over here awhile ago? All the rejects? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about Italy. You had a bunch of residents in your wonderful country, that were stupid, obnoxious, loud and orange. You told them about this amazing opportunity to go to America. It’s the “In” thing you told them. So, a bunch of them came over here on ships and boats and life rafts. They floated over and landed all mainly in New York and New Jersey and they just stayed there. And they started mating. With each other. Then, those super-offspring of yours met other super-offspring of the same nature and mated with them. And the super-duper-offspring was created. Now, we are caught up to current day.

So, you thought you were being clever. Send all the rejects off to another place, tell them they’ll love it. And then you’ll be rid of them. And you were right, they did love it. And for awhile you only had true Italians in Italy. All the faux Italians stayed and partied it up on the east coast of the U.S. As the years went by they produced like I stated before. We are now left with these super-duper-offspring that are starting an epidemic. They’re dumbening our country. Yes, that’s right. Dumbening. So much so that dumbening is being recognized as a real word. They’re designating specific times of the day for t-shirts and cabs. They’re clogging up the gyms and the tanning booths and the laundromats. They’re getting in our pools and leaving behind a trail of oils and gels and who knows what else. And we have to deal with them. First we were just trying to avoid them. Basically that entails staying away from New York and New Jersey. Ever been? They’re seriously cluttering up the places. But now they’re on TV! They’re everywhere! All in our faces, getting in our grills about everything. Talking to us about safe sex! Pshhh! OK, Situation. What do you know about that? You think safe sex is stringing one girl along at the club so that you got a safe bet for sex later in case none of the other girls are digging your style.

We had an entire season of this! Grenades, landmines, Snooki is the shape of a bazooka. It’s war over here! Chaos! They’re taking over! And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they got another season! Where was it, Miami? Jersey Shore in Miami? That doesn’t even make any sense. Those are two different places. Now, everyone’s talking about them. I can’t go a day without hearing about Snooki or The Situation or JWoww or Ronny, Vinny, Pauly (my lord, the three most New-Yorky-Italian names ever!) and all their wacky antics. And the truth is, their antics are not all that wacky. I find these people to be mildly interesting at best. They go out and drink all the time. Every night. They do the gym, tan, laundry every day. It’s the same ritual, same routine, it’s predictable and boring. My grandparents have less routine than that. Even they spice it up a bit more. Come on Jersey Shore! Give us some variety at least! If you’re going to be all up in my shit, I have to be forced to hear about you, do something other than bang chicks and get in fights every night. I’ll go watch James Bond movies if I want to see that. And guess what? His accent is way better than yours!

Speaking of the British accent and Europe...hey Italy! Guess what! It’s your turn now. You have to house these fools. Jersey Shore is coming to Italy! You dumped your rejects on us and now you’re getting the biproduct, super-duper-rejects back. Maybe they already filmed all that and are back here already and they’re just airing it now, but whatever. I live in TV time. So, that means they’re Italy’s problem now. Grazie. You deal with the fist pump. I know I’ll still have to hear people talking about them but just knowing they’re in another country makes me feel a whole lot better. I don’t honestly hate the guys, I just hate everything about them. People try to tell me how cool they are and I just have to disagree. They may be “somewhat” entertaining to watch on TV but if you met them in real life they would suck so bad! They’re such ugly people on the inside (and outside while we’re talking about it). People tell me if I met them in real life I would be excited. I would treat them like celebrities. No I would not. I would maybe not even recognize them. Or maybe I just wouldn’t be at the club they go to so there’s no chance because I don’t attend shit holes like that. Also, I don’t try to talk to dick wads who are hitting on girls and pulling their own shirts up in clubs. I walk past those guys and laugh. Know who I get excited to see? Conan O’Brien. Justin Long. Tobey McGuire. Real celebrities.

Do me a favor, stop calling these people celebrities. Chris Rock is a celebrity because not many people are as funny as him. Snoop Dogg is a celebrity because not many people can bust some funky fresh rhymes as well as him. These people are less than dime a dozen. You can find them anywhere! People who are willing to drink every night and do basically nothing else? Yeah! Trust me! They’re everywhere! And know who else is that common? Generous, kind people willing to donate money to charitable organizations. And here’s the catch, they don’t suck! So what’s good about the Jersey Shore? Nothing people. Stop telling me how awesome they are. Italy, karma can be a bitch! But guess what? You only have them for 6 months. And they might turn out to be good for you all. It’s like going on a diet for awhile and eating a bunch of things you hate. Then, when you’re done on the diet, you appreciate all the regular foods so much more! Who’s going on the Jersey Shore Diet next year? Berlin? London? Tokyo? Let’s just make it somewhere other than the U.S. Our country’s average IQ went up thirty points during the filming of Jersey Shore in Italy. Maybe if we’re given another 6 months of higher intelligence while they’re away we can figure out a way to keep them out!

1 comment:

  1. thatnk you MR. Inevitable! i too dislike these people they are ridiculous! I felt immediatly "stupider" when i saw this show, and actually scratch that i only saw the commercials! I am Surprised that they weren't murdered in Italia, for how they behave. If they were true Italians there parents would have hit them over the head with a wooden spoon for the way they act! i know mine would! they wouldnt look like creamsicles either! haha