T-Shirt Time!!! Yes, that’s right. That is the famed call of the Jersey Shore boys. Did you hear? They’re back with a third season...in Italy. Oh Italy, are you in store for some shit. Remember all those people you sent over here awhile ago? All the rejects? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about Italy. You had a bunch of residents in your wonderful country, that were stupid, obnoxious, loud and orange. You told them about this amazing opportunity to go to America. It’s the “In” thing you told them. So, a bunch of them came over here on ships and boats and life rafts. They floated over and landed all mainly in New York and New Jersey and they just stayed there. And they started mating. With each other. Then, those super-offspring of yours met other super-offspring of the same nature and mated with them. And the super-duper-offspring was created. Now, we are caught up to current day.
We had an entire season of this! Grenades, landmines, Snooki is the shape of a bazooka. It’s war over here! Chaos! They’re taking over! And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they got another season! Where was it, Miami? Jersey Shore in Miami? That doesn’t even make any sense. Those are two different places. Now, everyone’s talking about them. I can’t go a day without hearing about Snooki or The Situation or JWoww or Ronny, Vinny, Pauly (my lord, the three most New-Yorky-Italian names ever!) and all their wacky antics. And the truth is, their antics are not all that wacky. I find these people to be mildly interesting at best. They go out and drink all the time. Every night. They do the gym, tan, laundry every day. It’s the same ritual, same routine, it’s predictable and boring. My grandparents have less routine than that. Even they spice it up a bit more. Come on Jersey Shore! Give us some variety at least! If you’re going to be all up in my shit, I have to be forced to hear about you, do something other than bang chicks and get in fights every night. I’ll go watch James Bond movies if I want to see that. And guess what? His accent is way better than yours!
Do me a favor, stop calling these people celebrities. Chris Rock is a celebrity because not many people are as funny as him. Snoop Dogg is a celebrity because not many people can bust some funky fresh rhymes as well as him. These people are less than dime a dozen. You can find them anywhere! People who are willing to drink every night and do basically nothing else? Yeah! Trust me! They’re everywhere! And know who else is that common? Generous, kind people willing to donate money to charitable organizations. And here’s the catch, they don’t suck! So what’s good about the Jersey Shore? Nothing people. Stop telling me how awesome they are. Italy, karma can be a bitch! But guess what? You only have them for 6 months. And they might turn out to be good for you all. It’s like going on a diet for awhile and eating a bunch of things you hate. Then, when you’re done on the diet, you appreciate all the regular foods so much more! Who’s going on the Jersey Shore Diet next year? Berlin? London? Tokyo? Let’s just make it somewhere other than the U.S. Our country’s average IQ went up thirty points during the filming of Jersey Shore in Italy. Maybe if we’re given another 6 months of higher intelligence while they’re away we can figure out a way to keep them out!