Sunday, August 21, 2011

If Older Movies Were Made Today



If “Back To The Future” Were Made Today...

When they decided they wanted to make the time machine with some style they would have chosen the Prius. The big problem is once you hit 88 miles per hour, you’re time machine is going to get stuck at that speed. Better hope you didn’t travel to a time period where 911 was not available to call.

If “Men In Black” Were Made Today...

They would have cast Michael Shannon as the bug. He wouldn’t have needed to steal a man’s skin on earth. He wouldn’t have needed make-up. (Most recent picture of Michael Shannon above)

If “Face-Off” Were Made Today...

Nicholas Cage would have to learn about Scientology and John Travolta would have to learn about bankruptcy. Both would be excited as they have not made a decent movie in years.

If “Coming To America” Were Made Today...

Instead of Arsenio Hall to play four characters alongside Eddie Murphy it would be Tyler Perry. However, now three of the four characters played by Tyler Perry are dressed as women instead of just the one. Now, the movie is called “Tyler Perry’s Coming To America”. Also, every white character in the movie is gay and/or super racist and now the whole movie just sucks!

If “Heat” Were Made Today...

It would have the same cast it would just end up being more like “Righteous Kill” a.k.a. “Heat 2: Older And Almost As Deadly”.


If “Rocky” Were Made Today...

Mike Tyson would have edged out Sylvester Stallone for the part what with this newfound acting experience. However, the movie would end up being 15 minutes longer as he would insist there be two scenes of him singing entire songs and 6 minutes of pigeon racing.

If “Footloose” Were Made Today...

Oh wait, they are remaking that movie. But with a hip-hop theme. It’s probably gonna suck! Bullshit!

If “Risky Business” Were Made Today...

The prostitutes Tom Cruise had over his house would all be men. And even at the age of 49 he’d still be trying to hide the whole ordeal from his parents.

If “Boogie Nights” Were Made Today...

Julianne Moore would still be in it and she would still insist on being naked in it even at the age of, what is she, 78? I think it’s in her contract that she must get naked in every movie she does, even if it’s just a one nipple appearance (”The Kids Are All Right”).

If “There’s Something About Mary” Were Made Today...

Brett Favre would not have lost Cameron Diaz in the end because he played for the Packers. He would have lost her because he showed his old dick to many other people. Also, no one would care about losing Cameron Diaz anymore. Not now. (Most recent picture of Cameron Diaz above)

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