Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Icky Bugs

I want to send a message to all the bugs in the world. I have nothing against you all and I do not want to kill any of you. But if I see you in my house and you look like you could hurt me, or are just plain icky, I am going to kill you. Here’s why, I’m sure you have no intentions to hurt me but what if I’m while I’m walking around I bump you or scare you and that prompts you to bite me? I’m going to be pissed I didn’t kill you when I had the chance. What if you get in my bed and I roll over onto you and you bite me? I once again, will be pissed I didn’t kill you when I saw you in the bathroom.

I’m not taking any chances. Some of you could really injure me or kill me with a bite. Some of you give me a large red ugly thing that I don’t like. That’s also a bummer. Not as intense as dying, but I’d prefer to not have one. So, if I see you crawling around on the wall or the floor, you’re dead bug meat. Which I hear is a great source of protein. Confusing seeing as how you all are so small.

Here’s a good way to not get killed by me. Don’t come in my house! Stay outside! That’s your home anyway. No one invited you to come in here. And are you paying rent here? Doesn’t seem like it. I don’t know what right you think you have staying in my place when you don’t pay a dime. And you’re a threat! If you’re going to be threatening at least lighten my financial load a bit.

Is there a better way for me to send a message to you bugs? How about this? Every time I kill a bug, I don’t flush it down the toilet. Instead I hang it by my roof, with red X’s painted over it’s eyes. Maybe eventually I will get some family members or some influential members of your society and it will really hit home. Oh man, he killed Douggy. He was working on the first spider house that actually had a roof. Well, Douggy the Buggy is dead and hanging from my roof! Does that tell you to stay away? Come here, and this is what happens!

I swear, I don’t want to cause you any harm but you’re starting to leave me no choice. If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I’m way bigger than all of you and can probably take a bunch of you down before any of you harm me. Equipped with a shoe, some tissues, and air freshener, I’m one bad mamma jamma.

Did you not know about the air freshener trick? It really comes in handy sometimes. Sometimes the bug or spider runs away from you to a spot where you can’t get it. Like under your dresser. But you know the bastard is there and you want to kill him before you go to bed so that he doesn’t try to get you while you’re asleep. So, you gas him out. Spraying a bunch of air freshener directly at them will force them out of hiding. Get them out from underneath the furniture. Also, the over exposure and inhalation of the giant gas cloud usually makes them dizzy. They stagger out and are slow and confused. This should give you ample time to get a good shoe squash in. And now your room smells just delightful!

Watch the fuck out bugs!

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