Monday, August 29, 2011

Horse Racing

Everyone was super pumped because they found out yesterday that Beyonce is pregnant. Want to know what’s even cooler? My wallet got pregnant yesterday, with cash! The thing’s busting at the fake leather seams! I went to my first ever horse race, so naturally some betting took place. There was 5 races we actually watched. I bet on four of them. The first one I bet on right after we had arrived. Didn’t know what I was doing. Picked two different horses to win, neither had any luck. But as we were sitting down waiting for that race to start and old, wise gentleman sitting behind me asked if I wanted his newspaper. It was what he was using to place his bets. He said he was leaving after this next race. So, I said “Sure” thanked him, and grabbed it.

I thought at the time it must have just been the glare from the sun or something, because the newspaper seemed to light up when I grabbed it. I now know, or assume, it actually glowed a little when he handed it over to me. He told me it was a lucky newspaper. Doesn’t this sound like something out of a movie so far? Wise older man hands lucky object to kid just before disappearing. Oh man, what types of powers does this newspaper have? It felt like it was sort of throbbing in my hand but again I thought nothing of it at the time. Just the usual newspaper activity, right? Now, I think about it and say, “Hey wait a minute. Newspapers don’t throb. They ain’t hearts.” I should have known at the time.

Well, my first bet had already been placed without the newspaper. So, I lost. I suppose I didn’t know how to use the newspaper at that time. I thought, just holding it should bring me luck. Went back to the money-grabbers and placed a bet on the next race. No luck. So, I didn’t bet the next race and decided instead to inspect the newspaper. Turns out there are “experts” that give their opinions on horses and how they race and what not. They even pick winners for the races. I was flipping through pretty fast looking for a sign. Like big bold words that said, “PICK THIS HORSE”. As I was turning one page my buddy Chad Porter said, “Whoa! Go back to that last page. Did you see that guy’s moustache?” So I flip back. Lo and behold, a mega moustache sitting in between this man’s mouth and nose, glorious as a god. I was in awe of this hairy face ornament. I noticed, he looked a lot like Mario. Mario is one of my heroes. Then, I noticed his name was Steve Klein. My name’s Steve. This guy has two great parts about him. I want to see what he has to say.

So, I read up on who he thought would place first and third. I couldn’t find his second place pick. Once the race I didn’t bet on finished I went up and bet on the next. The main event! I picked his first and third place picks and picked my own for second place. Turns out he picked correctly for first and second place and his third place pick was fourth! Had I seen it I would have made more but he totally was lucky! I finally won because I listened to this magnificent moustached man! And while I was betting a decided to bet on the last race we would see. His moustache luck must have been running through my veins because that next pick was golden too. I used a totally secure system. Was with my friend Mallory Manke in line. Looked for the letter M as in her first name’s first letter. Found one jockey with the name Martin also starting with M. Picked him, he won! But I know it only worked because I had just been reading The Klein’s article.

Anyway, I ended up making more than I had bet which is always a win for me. Factoring in my beer and popcorn, I still left with more money than I showed up with. So, free beer and popcorn and some more money, double win. I have to thank, Chad Porter for pointing out the lucky moustache, Mallory Manke for her name starting with the letter M, and of course Mr. Steve Klein for being my favorite horse analyst ever! It was such a fun time! I’m probably going to become one of those people who’s “off at the tracks” all the time. I just want it to be movie-esque like one of my friends asks, “Where’s Steve?” And someone else answers “Off at the tracks” and then they come back with “But it’s my birthday!”, You know? Cool stuff like that. It might even become my second source of income. Which is a sure fire bet. Also, I don’t have to claim that money. So Eff You Taxes! That’s what I’d like to end it on. Eff You Taxes!


  1. Always trust the mustache. I'll bet he named it "Biff"