Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Football Job


Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a professional football player? All the money and amazingness aside. There are some weird negative aspects to the job. Imagine now, this is your job. You play football for a living. I don’t care if you represent Nike or Adidas or Under Armour or whatever. I say Under Armour because they have the best, most intense commercials. That’s probably the best pick. But we’re not worrying about that. I want to compare this job to regular jobs that I’ve had.

Having worked at a few grocery stores, a restaurant, and now an office, I’ve probably only had like 6 days I could describe as “losing days”. In 10 years of working I’ve had 6 days where I “lost”, things such as terrible fails, complete fuck-ups. One of my first days at a grocery store I was bagging a lady’s groceries and accidentally put the bread on the bottom. It got completely squished. She was pissed and yelled a lot at me. My manager had to talk to me. Then, I got a 10 minute lecture on why bread should not be underneath other things and the properties of bread and why it squishes and does not support weight. No shit Mr. Soucy I wasn’t thinking and fucked up. Also, I was 14. Give me a break. That day was a loss. Another time when I was working at a restaurant, I got so busy one table’s food took about 25 minutes to come out...after they had already ordered it. There was nothing that took incredibly long to make, I just didn’t put the order in right away. They tipped me nothing and absolutely hated me. I think the father even called me a queer under his breath which doesn’t make any sense. I was forgetful, not fruitful. That day was a loss as well.

And there’s been other examples, but not too many. But those days are awful, I felt terrible about those experiences. And I reiterate, about 6 in 10 years. And they still stay with me with vivid detail. Imagine being a quarterback for a professional football team. You could be an amazing team, make the playoffs with a 12-4 record, however you would still have those 4 losses. In that one year! This is not even including other years/seasons. You had 4 days in that year of work where you felt like you completely lost. You squished the lady’s bread. You took too long with the homophobe’s chicken. You done fucked up! And you did each one again! Furthermore, you only had 12 days of work this year in which you left feeling a sense of accomplishment. And you’re good at your job!


How do you deal with that? That many days of work in which you have to go home to the wife or girlfriend or whoever and say, “Honey, I had a bad day at work.” I couldn’t deal with that. I beat myself up for days after the squished bread incident. And I worked at that job for 4 years and can’t remember making a single mistake the rest of my time there. And what if you were on a so-so team? A team that hits .500? 8-8! You had just as many good days as you had bad days? And not just bad days. Days that you messed up. You lost. Every other day is basically a day your manager needs to talk to you about something. That’s grounds for a kick in the ass, no? You must suck at your job.

And here’s where it gets worse! So you fuck up at work, you lose, bad day. Go home and cry yourself to sleep (Who does that? I don’t. Maybe if I’m having an off day. The stars aren’t aligned and the planets have thrown my bitch-tear amount out of wack. Yeah right. Like I believe that bullshit). Now, it’s the next day and everyone is talking about how bad of a job you did. Everyone in the city you live in hates you (Especially if it’s ungrateful Philly). The newspapers are even talking about the big mistakes you made. They’re saying how someone should have handled the work flow in your position. Instances of people who handled it better. Criticizing every move you made. Every item you bagged. Every table’s order you took. And now they’re talking about possible replacements! Seriously? How is someone supposed to do a good job under that much pressure? I couldn’t stand it.

Oh wait, I’d be making millions of dollars a year? And I could get extra money off those Under Armour commercials? Like a second job? A second job that is not very hard at all. Hmmm, maybe it is worth it. I could stand it. Shut up football players, you make a shit ton. I love watching you but fuck. Your job. Damn. You got it made. In addition, I apparently fuck up less than you do. So start doing a better job!

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