Emoticomageddon is coming. It’s true. The emoticons are becoming more and more popular. They’re springing up everywhere. Some people think this is not a big deal. Who cares? I’m happy! Let me show it to you in a text message! :) look if I cocked my head to the side and smiled it would look just like that. Take a picture of your face smiling and send it! Don’t do the emoticon! You don’t realize it but you’re actually destroying the English language, starting with it’s punctuation! It’s like when we started using trees for paper to write things down for people to read them instead of just telling them. Destroying the ecosystem. Thank goodness someone invented the computer. Slowly computers are running the cold-hearted novelists out of business and sinking their nature killing asses into the cold, unforgiving earth they’re absent-mindedly destroying.
I can see this happening with our punctuation. If you insert a colon into an email to introduce a list, as a colon is commonly used for, people are going to start to look at that and wonder why in the hell you inserted someone’s sideways eyes into the middle of your sentence. What’s this mean? You’re peeking at me between sentences? Then, they’re going to get creeped out by your creeper peeking and report you to HR. “Steve’s being creepy in work emails. He keeps staring at me. Always right before introducing a list, I’ve noticed.” Sexual harassment lawsuit. Boom! You are in some heavy shit! And all because you practice proper grammar and the morons who don’t stay high and dry. So, all the smartest people in the world, the ones who can grammartize correctly, are going to lose their jobs due to an increasing amount of suspicious sexual harassment complaints. The only people not jobless will become the idiots. And now we have the idiots running our country! And don’t think it stops there!
The hour is approaching. Emoticons will slowly ruin all our forms of communication. All stemming from the work emails. Then, once the lines of communication go down, the world goes down. Into a shitty, messy hole of sideways faces making dumbass faces. How do we prevent it? Easy. Stop using emoticons. Need a substitution? Go into Paint and draw a Smiley face and anytime you want to use it you attach the file that you have saved on your computer. (If you’ve ever read this blog you’d know Paint is an amazing program because I do all my pictures in it.) Make it your signature at all the ends of your emails. Or just deal with not being able to put a face of some sort in your texts and emails. Maybe if you speak and type correctly people will get that you’re happy. Like, “Hey, I just bought a new TV” doesn’t need a face. No one thinks you’re sad. It’s a TV, jackass. Anyway, the solution is clear. But are we going to follow through with it? I don’t know. We’ll just have to find out. ;)
Ah shit! Old habit...