Sunday, August 7, 2011


Emoticomageddon is coming. It’s true. The emoticons are becoming more and more popular. They’re springing up everywhere. Some people think this is not a big deal. Who cares? I’m happy! Let me show it to you in a text message! :) look if I cocked my head to the side and smiled it would look just like that. Take a picture of your face smiling and send it! Don’t do the emoticon! You don’t realize it but you’re actually destroying the English language, starting with it’s punctuation! It’s like when we started using trees for paper to write things down for people to read them instead of just telling them. Destroying the ecosystem. Thank goodness someone invented the computer. Slowly computers are running the cold-hearted novelists out of business and sinking their nature killing asses into the cold, unforgiving earth they’re absent-mindedly destroying.

You may not realize it, but using the colon : and using an end parenthesis ) to make a smiley face is ruining our own language. Those things are used for punctuation! Certain scenarios call for those symbols and you’re throwing all their meaning out the door. They are soon going to become too overused and thus meaningless. It’s just like when kids found out about that program you could use online, it was basically AIM for the blind. You would type your message into the program and then some responder would call the blind person and relay the message verbally. Then, the blind person would say something to the responder and they would type it to the sightful person. And kids found out about it and would type in dirty things for the person to send to their friends. I couldn’t tell you how many calls I received from a random person I do not know saying dirty things to me like, “You’re ding dong is the reason I even wake up in the morning” or “sword fight with our penises at my place tonight”. We were in middle school. What are you expecting? Something less mature? But see how we made it meaningless? It used to be a helpful too for the blind and those who are friends with the blind, and kids turned it into a prank calling device.

I can see this happening with our punctuation. If you insert a colon into an email to introduce a list, as a colon is commonly used for, people are going to start to look at that and wonder why in the hell you inserted someone’s sideways eyes into the middle of your sentence. What’s this mean? You’re peeking at me between sentences? Then, they’re going to get creeped out by your creeper peeking and report you to HR. “Steve’s being creepy in work emails. He keeps staring at me. Always right before introducing a list, I’ve noticed.” Sexual harassment lawsuit. Boom! You are in some heavy shit! And all because you practice proper grammar and the morons who don’t stay high and dry. So, all the smartest people in the world, the ones who can grammartize correctly, are going to lose their jobs due to an increasing amount of suspicious sexual harassment complaints. The only people not jobless will become the idiots. And now we have the idiots running our country! And don’t think it stops there!

There’s a whole buttload that can go down with the winking smiley face ;) the sad face :( and the kissing face :* but we won’t even go there. Where we will go is mentioning how these emoticons slowly started spilling into our alphabet. Our fucking alphabet?! You kidding me?! The super excited mouth open smiley face :D. So, now you threw capital D into the mix? So, now capital D will lose it’s value. So forget about any sentences you planned on starting with a word beginning with D. It will no longer make any sense. And forget about any of your friends with a name beginning with D because they will no longer have relevance or be important. Think of all the great ones we will lose. Dwight Howard. David Schwimmer. Daniel Craig. Danny McBride. Dunkin Donuts! Forget about the double d. It’s double out. How about sticking the tongue out face? :P. Capital P. Losing you as well. You know both of these will be lost in work emails as well. That’s going to be the main scenario for gigantic mix ups like these. And who do we lose with this? Peter Sarsgaard. Paul Giamatti.  Philadelphia...well whatever, they have the rudest fans ever. Maybe the booing will help our team. Let’s start booing as soon as everyone steps on the field. That’ll work! But what about Paul Rudd?! I am not losing Paul Rudd! That's Bullshit if you think I am!

The hour is approaching. Emoticons will slowly ruin all our forms of communication. All stemming from the work emails. Then, once the lines of communication go down, the world goes down. Into a shitty, messy hole of sideways faces making dumbass faces. How do we prevent it? Easy. Stop using emoticons. Need a substitution? Go into Paint and draw a Smiley face and anytime you want to use it you attach the file that you have saved on your computer. (If you’ve ever read this blog you’d know Paint is an amazing program because I do all my pictures in it.) Make it your signature at all the ends of your emails. Or just deal with not being able to put a face of some sort in your texts and emails. Maybe if you speak and type correctly people will get that you’re happy. Like, “Hey, I just bought a new TV” doesn’t need a face. No one thinks you’re sad. It’s a TV, jackass. Anyway, the solution is clear. But are we going to follow through with it? I don’t know. We’ll just have to find out. ;)

Ah shit! Old habit...


  1. My favorite is when people do the smiley face they emphasize it with more parenthesis. for example :)))))) I've seen that many times. I am now going to take pictures of myself for various faces and just use those when I text someone. So be prepared Mr. SteveInevitable for my face in your text inbox!


  2. I'm very excited. Will it be sideways?
    And doesn't the over emphasized smiley face just look like a smiling fat guy with many chins? That's what I always see when people do that.